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Overcoming the friendship recession

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Re: Overcoming the friendship recession

#101

Post by paradox460 »

everdrive wrote: post #90
Zealotux wrote: post #25

I live in Barcelona, and during last year’s blackout I wandered through the city. As I passed by the Baix Guinardó gardens, I came across something that felt like a "A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte" brought to life: the park was full of families socialising the old way, children running everywhere, the whole place buzzing with chatter and energy. Later that day, walking home through darkened stree…

>but I went to sleep that night wondering how on earth we get ourselves out of this. I'm sure HN will suggest another layer of technology will fix all of this.

Technology and/or regulation

Re: Overcoming the friendship recession

#102

Post by paradox460 »

righthand wrote: post #15
drzaiusx11 wrote: post #10

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Spam phone calls have become so horrendously common here in the US (multiple a day) that I just keep my mobile on do not disturb 24/7 with exceptions for those in my core contact group. Maybe I'll miss a call or two that actually had substance, but I'd rather be slightly more isolated than constantly annoyed. Find me on various online platforms with text chat, voice or video if you really want to reach me. Or don't.

Ridiculous how that ticked up in frequency (at least for me) after the last Potus election.

For me it's been down the last couple years, compared to a surge under the previous president. That means he's responsible, right? Or it could be I bought a house and financial institutions leak phone numbers like a colander

Re: Overcoming the friendship recession

#103

Post by garciansmith »

pino83 wrote: post #82
GJim wrote: post #49

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Disappointing somebody has seen fit to "drive-by" downvote your post that simply describes your truthful personal observations. Presumably they don't want to engage in discussion, which is precisely what this topic is about!

Well, quite often I think this way but resist to say so. This time it's even more obvious, though: They all know that I'm right. Everybody knows. That's not the point why they downvote.

Or perhaps people down voted because absolute statements on social relationships are often not absolute at all. Or maybe they even have a personal experience that is contrary to your statement. I say this as a childless person whose closest friend has a child and a significant other whose two closest friends have children. And yes, I would describe all those friendships as deep.

Re: Overcoming the friendship recession

#104

Post by Barrin92 »

johnnyanmac wrote: post #78
hrdwdmrbl wrote: post #2

Unfortunately many people now strongly dislike receiving unexpected phone calls. You may (i have) genuinely upset some people by calling them. Yes, I’m rolling my eyes too, but that’s how they feel

For my demographic (late millenial), calls imply urgency. Like, if I see a call from a friend out of the blue I'm worried something dire happened. Texting is fine. We can schedule a call or meetup from there. But life as is is already so spontaneous, I don't need even more stuff to come up.

>But life as is is already so spontaneous

Is it? I think the exact opposite is true. Most people's life is a walking calendar. these days if someone can't "schedule" something they're losing their minds. Life was spontaneous when people didn't monitor every second of their day, when someone walked up to your house and asked you a question to your face, there wasn't a "I'll reply in ten minutes when I'm comfortable" button.

We're living in a comfort obsessed society where, when you can't run away and plan your reply, people have a panic attack. Dating for young people is terrible because it's about as spontaneous as a legal appointment.

Re: Overcoming the friendship recession

#105

Post by cal_dent »

obscurette wrote: post #58
nharada wrote: post #38

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I’m curious if you think viewpoints have also gotten more extreme in this period. It feels like the gap in political ideologies has widened a lot since I was younger.

The gaps in views are certainly widening in societies in general, but my point wasn't exactly that. It was more about differences which always existed. When I was young I was often dumped into large family gatherings which lasted days (birthdays of (grand)grandparents, funerals, weddings etc). I had to practice handling cousins etc who might had very different family backgrounds than me since very early age. We had t…

I agree with where you're coming from. I think its the continuing rise of individualism to a degree; sports team mentality politics/the internet/phones/social media have likely accelerated it but feels to me we'd been moving that way even prior to that. There's probably something there, too, about how more wealth gives people an out to not have to engage with broader society in a way where lower wealth or less unequal distribution of wealth doesn't.

Margaret Thatcher got quite a lot of stick for her quote about how there is no society and its just individual people that look out for themselves first and foremost before anything. But I'd say there's more truth to that than I'd want to believe. What stops that from being true to my mind is people being very intentional about creating a society by engaging with others.

I'm always interested in people's stories about adult friendships or loneliness crisis etc. and what I tend to see is that when people start being intentional about engaging, it usually ends up with them finding new friends. It's just easy to sleepwalk, with everything going on, into not engaging. Newish parents are very apt example of this

Re: Overcoming the friendship recession

#106

Post by cal_dent »

Zealotux wrote: post #25

I live in Barcelona, and during last year’s blackout I wandered through the city. As I passed by the Baix Guinardó gardens, I came across something that felt like a "A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte" brought to life: the park was full of families socialising the old way, children running everywhere, the whole place buzzing with chatter and energy. Later that day, walking home through darkened stree…

This is an interesting post (and also a very well written one!). It touches on something that does slightly irk me about the wider friendship/loneliness conversation that it feels we've been having for a decades now.

Its the "we" in "how on earth we get ourselves out of this." The bluntness of the "we" conflates it into a bigger problem than it is. If you walk past many parks & gardens across cities you'll find that same picture of families socialising in the old way without a blackout, but also people glued to their phones too.

People who are intentional of having classic socialising are still doing it, people who choose not to either through their own intention or, i suspect and hope, in a very ambient non-intentional way are the ones who may need to get out of it. Yes there are more of the latter now than before but the former groups are still a huge part of society. And if they can do it even with the same distractions and phones and access to social media etc. why can't others?

Re: Overcoming the friendship recession

#107

Post by righthand »

paradox460 wrote: post #102
righthand wrote: post #15

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Ridiculous how that ticked up in frequency (at least for me) after the last Potus election.

For me it's been down the last couple years, compared to a surge under the previous president. That means he's responsible, right? Or it could be I bought a house and financial institutions leak phone numbers like a colander

It cooled under Biden for me, but who am I to say. I wouldn’t be surprised if current admin stop prosecuting against the spam callers. Some times these outfits are connected to politicians. Have you seen the 3-part documentary, Telemarketers?

Re: Overcoming the friendship recession

#108

Post by righthand »

germinalphrase wrote: post #69
righthand wrote: post #68

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Nah, just call them randomly and leave a message. I’m not going to have a whole social protocol for sending a phone call. If they don’t answer or call back it’s a lost cause communicating with them. I once dated someone who “didn’t just leave the house for any old outing” and it became exhausting trying to figure out the protocol for what qualified as a worthwhile outing. It was easier to just dump the person instead…

You’re overthinking my recommendation. It’s a one-time comment to set expectations. Nothing more.

You’re underthinking my counter-reccomendation. What you’re proposing “respond or don’t” is already a given if you send the preemptive message or not. Therefor a waste of time because you could just be initiating the relationship instead. People aren’t more likely to respond because you send them a “i wanna talk” message.

Re: Overcoming the friendship recession

#109

Post by righthand »

johnnyanmac wrote: post #75
righthand wrote: post #68

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Nah, just call them randomly and leave a message. I’m not going to have a whole social protocol for sending a phone call. If they don’t answer or call back it’s a lost cause communicating with them. I once dated someone who “didn’t just leave the house for any old outing” and it became exhausting trying to figure out the protocol for what qualified as a worthwhile outing. It was easier to just dump the person instead…

>If they don’t answer or call back it’s a lost cause communicating with them. I mean, people are busy and schedules don't always align. Seems like the onus is on you if you expect another friend to answer whenever you feel like calling. Even with my parents we will check with each other via text before we call (being on a time zone difference doesn't help)

Then call them again! It doesn’t have to be a one time lottery.

Re: Overcoming the friendship recession

#110

Post by onetokeoverthe »

Zealotux wrote: post #25

I live in Barcelona, and during last year’s blackout I wandered through the city. As I passed by the Baix Guinardó gardens, I came across something that felt like a "A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte" brought to life: the park was full of families socialising the old way, children running everywhere, the whole place buzzing with chatter and energy. Later that day, walking home through darkened stree…

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