Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

How to stop being boring

joanwestenberg.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

101–110 of 116 posts

Re: How to stop being boring

#101

Post by xboxnolifes »

otikik wrote: post #38

> This happens gradually. In middle school, you learn that certain enthusiasms are embarrassing. In high school, you learn which opinions are acceptable in your social group. In college, you refine your persona further. By the time you're an adult, you've become so skilled at reading rooms and ajusting accordingly that you don't even notice you're doing it. You've automated your own inauthenticity. What the author is…

It can be a symptom of that... but it's also what basically every single person does to some degree. Not doing it at all is also a sign of mental issues. Just different varieties.

Re: How to stop being boring

#102

Post by karmakaze »

recursivedoubts wrote: post #57

How about we go the other direction: how to stop being bored by other people. Most people are fascinating if you engage with them in good will and solidarity. That doesn't mean you have to like them or support every opinion they hold or behavior they exhibit, but just take them as they are and figure out what they are interested in. I have been surprised to find that many "boring" people are, instead, shy and are muc…

Actually this is the best advice I've heard to not being boring yourself. If you are earnestly interested in the other person's interests, wants, dreams, what have you, they will find you interesting.

This post is slightly different about not being bland/non-weird, which is another thing--be yourself out loud.

I know I do edit what I say to new people that I meet, because they probably actually aren't interested in my several deep but narrow interests--I can tell by my Youtube feed. I am unapologetically weird and totally fine with progressive disclosure. I suppose if we have common interests but they act similarly it would be a missed opportunity--I should give more signals, the equivalent of wearing my fave band T-shirt, like mentioning things regularly in casual small talk.

If anything I've edited my own life down for simplicity and focus: family, friends, some aspects of work, and a handful of lasting interests. If you don't care what other people think, a lot of things just become unimportant.

Re: How to stop being boring

#103

Post by CuriouslyC »

LiquidSky wrote: post #84
CuriouslyC wrote: post #77

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Maybe if you do it very very wrong. I suppose you're imagining some swaggering jerk putting her down and acting self important, that's your mistake.

No, it's very much yours and the way you phrased it. Perhaps you didn't mean it this way, but you sound like some kind of "pickup artist" type giving advice on "negging" women.

Since I didn't mention how to do anything, seems like he was projecting his biases on my words. Pretty sad that "be someone worth talking to" and "don't project neediness" are somehow owned by the manosphere now. No wonder people are marrying chatbots.

Re: How to stop being boring

#104

Post by soulofmischief »

SkyeCA wrote: post #98
soulofmischief wrote: post #68

Earlier quoted context omitted.

No, I'm just not going to progressively disclose my nature. I'm just going to be myself, regardless of how others in my environment might react. I can field the small talk, several of my friends have commented on my ability to break the ice quickly with strangers. But after a minute or two, the conversation is either over or we're moving onto more interesting discussions. Come to one of the conservative towns I grew…

You don't sound like someone I'd like to speak with even if we might agree on things. You writing has a very aggressive tone to it for no reason. I'll be honest if someone tries to get into politics and other such things very soon after I start speaking to them it really puts me off. I might not disengage right away, but I'll probably never choose to speak with them again.

I think both of you are projecting an aggression tone onto my words. Poe's law, maybe.

It shouldn't offend you that I don't personally enjoy continued small talk and prefer to form deeper connections at the risk of losing superficial connections, by not engaging in drawn-out progressive disclosure.

You're making assumptions about our compatibility without knowing much about me at all. But, this was my point: Now I know that we don't need to continue the discussion and we can both spend our energy elsewhere.

Re: How to stop being boring

#105

Post by paulcole »

knollimar wrote: post #59
paulcole wrote: post #50

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Do you think that the people who dance like no one is watching or who love like they’ve never been hurt are on average happier or unhappier than the average person? Are they happier or unhappier than the people who dance like everyone is watching or who love like they’ve always been hurt?

I feel like these are risks with a large penalty if it goes wrong but on average probably higher, no? Dancing more so than love

What is the large penalty for these risks?

Re: How to stop being boring

#106

Post by zug_zug »

soulofmischief wrote: post #104
SkyeCA wrote: post #98

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You don't sound like someone I'd like to speak with even if we might agree on things. You writing has a very aggressive tone to it for no reason. I'll be honest if someone tries to get into politics and other such things very soon after I start speaking to them it really puts me off. I might not disengage right away, but I'll probably never choose to speak with them again.

I think both of you are projecting an aggression tone onto my words. Poe's law, maybe. It shouldn't offend you that I don't personally enjoy continued small talk and prefer to form deeper connections at the risk of losing superficial connections, by not engaging in drawn-out progressive disclosure. You're making assumptions about our compatibility without knowing much about me at all. But, this was my point: Now I kn…

As a neutral 3rd-party who wants to help you speed-run your self-growth (because I like your energy):

- Yeah you come across as aggro. That's okay, sounds like you went through some stuff.

- Sounds like you've identified you grew up in a weird situation. That sounds bad, sucks you had to go through that.

- But it also sounds like there's a piece of you that's trying to overcorrect. I understand, it's common among us nerds -- you grow up in a situation where you aren't as appreciated as you should be and you try to turn off that feeling entirely somehow. Unfortunately these types of attempts to hack our own feelings are usually worse than the problems in the first place. Usually the best course is to slowly try to remind yourself (over years) "That was a bad situation, it was bad luck, it meant nothing, and it's not the norm. I don't need to fundamentally change to not have that happen again."

Re: How to stop being boring

#107

Post by mierz00 »

pavel_lishin wrote: post #49

I've been talking to my therapist about something similar - masking, as someone else in the comments mentioned. And one thing that I've been thinking about as a result is that I don't owe anyone my authentic self. Asking me to reveal more things about myself is asking a hell of a lot, actually. So maybe I'm boring on purpose, because I don't want to get into an argument with a random parent on the playground, or a ra…

Marginally related, I feel the same way about honesty, especially in a work context.

I’ve always prided myself in being an honest but considerate person.

A recent experience with a colleague who weaponised my honesty in an attempt to manipulate me has left a foul taste in my mouth. Luckily their contract ended and the problem resolved itself.

But I remember distinctly feeling that I will be professional and polite but I do not automatically owe anyone my honesty.

Re: How to stop being boring

#108

Post by soulofmischief »

zug_zug wrote: post #106
soulofmischief wrote: post #104

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think both of you are projecting an aggression tone onto my words. Poe's law, maybe. It shouldn't offend you that I don't personally enjoy continued small talk and prefer to form deeper connections at the risk of losing superficial connections, by not engaging in drawn-out progressive disclosure. You're making assumptions about our compatibility without knowing much about me at all. But, this was my point: Now I kn…

As a neutral 3rd-party who wants to help you speed-run your self-growth (because I like your energy): - Yeah you come across as aggro. That's okay, sounds like you went through some stuff. - Sounds like you've identified you grew up in a weird situation. That sounds bad, sucks you had to go through that. - But it also sounds like there's a piece of you that's trying to overcorrect. I understand, it's common among us…

I do appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts. I still believe that you and the two other commenters here are misreading or misinterpreting me.

That's a lesson for me to choose my words more carefully, but only to avoid misinterpretation in an online forum; everything I said, I 100% stand by, and it's honestly unsurprising that a comment about being provocative and to-the-point, not always progressively self-disclosing, has made some people uncomfortable.

> Unfortunately these types of attempts to hack our own feelings are usually worse than the problems in the first place

I want to stress that I mean this in the most constructive, positive way possible, but it feels like your comment projects a bit onto me in an attempt to find common ground. I welcome the attempt but I do want to point out that I don't try to "hack my feelings", and I don't organize my life and behaviors under some fear that my childhood is somehow going to happen again. I am very in touch with my feelings, I value emotional intelligence and reflection. I don't pathologically worry about others appreciating me.

I brought up my past to show how such a perspective might form, but the perspective is not some kind of defense mechanism. It is a playbook for how to live my life in a way that aligns with my ideals and goals, and it's one of the only good things to have come out of my childhood. I cherish my perspective and how it's allowed me to help both myself and others.

Re: How to stop being boring

#109

Post by knollimar »

paulcole wrote: post #105
knollimar wrote: post #59

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I feel like these are risks with a large penalty if it goes wrong but on average probably higher, no? Dancing more so than love

What is the large penalty for these risks?

I meant in comparison to the reward. Loving recklessly isn't much more deeply and could make you hurt significantly. Dancing confidently isn't rewarded compared to bimeinf embarrassed for dancing badlt.

Re: How to stop being boring

#110

Post by zug_zug »

soulofmischief wrote: post #108
zug_zug wrote: post #106

Earlier quoted context omitted.

As a neutral 3rd-party who wants to help you speed-run your self-growth (because I like your energy): - Yeah you come across as aggro. That's okay, sounds like you went through some stuff. - Sounds like you've identified you grew up in a weird situation. That sounds bad, sucks you had to go through that. - But it also sounds like there's a piece of you that's trying to overcorrect. I understand, it's common among us…

I do appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts. I still believe that you and the two other commenters here are misreading or misinterpreting me. That's a lesson for me to choose my words more carefully, but only to avoid misinterpretation in an online forum; everything I said, I 100% stand by, and it's honestly unsurprising that a comment about being provocative and to-the-point, not always progressively…

Well the reason I said it sounds like you were trying to "hack" feelings was that you mentioned you came up with your own social "algorithm" for testing people you meet that could make them uncomfortable. It's been my observation that most attempts to optimize conversation backfire.

But I'm not really trying to convince you, I don't have a horse in this race. If you want maybe ask an AI and see what it thinks, they are great neutral tool for being a judge on human tone or being a social mirror.

Post reply on HN