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Social anxiety isn't about being liked

chrislakin.blog

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Re: Social anxiety isn't about being liked

#101

Post by Trasmatta »

WalterSear wrote: post #82
Trasmatta wrote: post #57

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yeah, I don't do this at all, and I don't like being friends with those that do

By definition, if you don't like to experience it; don't like to witness it, it's not 'ribbing': it's bullying. It's crucial that the person being ribbed is part of the joke, and should be obvious. It's very common for people to engage in the bullying, thinking that they are just ribbing; perhaps, never having experienced the safety that is required for ribbing.

There's also the common experience of a bully who always retreats to the defense of "I'm just ribbing you, why are you so defensive?" anytime they're challenged. Making the victim feel like they're the problem.

Re: Social anxiety isn't about being liked

#102

Post by raffael_de »

BurningFrog wrote: post #12
cortesoft wrote: post #3

I hadn’t heard the word countersignaling before, but it matches something I had observed many years ago. My closest groups of friends always make so much fun of each other. We make negative comments about the worst traits about each other, the things that we are most self-conscious about… yet every time my friends make fun of me for something I worry about, I actually feel better and more comfortable with myself. Whe…

Perhaps this is controversial, but I think this is a mostly male way of expressing affection. Women observing this sometimes conclude that men are horribly cruel to each other.

It's also women ... here's the proof: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7xS9Y_mjTjc

Re: Social anxiety isn't about being liked

#103

Post by mock-possum »

poemxo wrote: post #98

As someone with apparent social anxiety, I don't really care about being disliked either. Being left alone is the overriding priority by far, it is not an aversion to being disliked, although being disliked is not the best since it's still attention. If someone came to me and tried to mentor me about unlearning my discomfort with being disliked, I would feel like I'm being manipulated and I would make sure to avoid t…

Yeah same here. I like people, I like me - what I don’t like is the expectation that I essentially perform improv for others when I don’t want to. The problem is being observed, and expected to perform. It feels bad. Being left alone, with no risk of social interaction, feels really really good. It’s a literal relief from the constant energy expenditure that is acting out socializing.

I’d prefer to avoid being disliked - or at any rate, disliked without good reason - but as you say, that’s mostly because then I’d be wasting even more of my time managing interactions with (or more likely avoiding interactions with) those who dislike me. My god what a waste of energy, how I abhor it.

Re: Social anxiety isn't about being liked

#104

Post by astral_drama »

BurningFrog wrote: post #12
cortesoft wrote: post #3

I hadn’t heard the word countersignaling before, but it matches something I had observed many years ago. My closest groups of friends always make so much fun of each other. We make negative comments about the worst traits about each other, the things that we are most self-conscious about… yet every time my friends make fun of me for something I worry about, I actually feel better and more comfortable with myself. Whe…

Perhaps this is controversial, but I think this is a mostly male way of expressing affection. Women observing this sometimes conclude that men are horribly cruel to each other.

I don’t find it very gendered, my sister and I used to do this often, like young wolf pups, we’d jostle and play for the upper hand.

I have women friends who will play like this with me. It can reveal insights that neither of us were clear on without the other bringing it to light.

Of course it can be one sided too, and it turns into bullying. I think context matters and even if you’re being bullied, it’s still revealing if you are able to see beyond the emotion. You’re not your looks, your body, your mind, your bank account, your friend group, etc… Your worth is beyond these things. I hope you find that someday!

Re: Social anxiety isn't about being liked

#106

Post by tomhowsalterego »

abxyz wrote: post #47

The problem with using clinical phrases to describe normal behavior is demonstrated in this post. "Social anxiety" has a specific clinical meaning that is not covered by this post. The post is actually discussing a very natural and rational nervousness that normal people have in social situations. The post is providing a way of thinking about that nervousness that can help reduce it, for the nervous person's benefit,…

He (and it’s a he, of course) says this on a forum full of people who have convinced themselves they’re neurodivergent.

inb4 we live in a society etc

Re: Social anxiety isn't about being liked

#107

Post by BurningFrog »

dkarl wrote: post #95
BurningFrog wrote: post #12

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Perhaps this is controversial, but I think this is a mostly male way of expressing affection. Women observing this sometimes conclude that men are horribly cruel to each other.

It's two different kinds of logic. The stereotypically male way makes sense to me: you take the weapons that could be used against someone and make them harmless. If you're fat, your friends call you fat, and you're like, hey, they know I'm fat, it's established that I'm fat, and they're my friends anyway! Being fat is fine! It takes all the fear out of it. In my perception, the stereotypically female way is, if you'…

"Men bond by saying nasty things they don’t mean. Women bond by saying nice things they don’t mean."

I think there is some truth to this old saying. If so, it would make sense that both sides find the way of the other side a bit off-putting.

Re: Social anxiety isn't about being liked

#108

Post by [deleted] »

BurningFrog wrote: post #12
cortesoft wrote: post #3

I hadn’t heard the word countersignaling before, but it matches something I had observed many years ago. My closest groups of friends always make so much fun of each other. We make negative comments about the worst traits about each other, the things that we are most self-conscious about… yet every time my friends make fun of me for something I worry about, I actually feel better and more comfortable with myself. Whe…

Perhaps this is controversial, but I think this is a mostly male way of expressing affection. Women observing this sometimes conclude that men are horribly cruel to each other.

[deleted]

Re: Social anxiety isn't about being liked

#109

Post by MangoToupe »

BurningFrog wrote: post #12
cortesoft wrote: post #3

I hadn’t heard the word countersignaling before, but it matches something I had observed many years ago. My closest groups of friends always make so much fun of each other. We make negative comments about the worst traits about each other, the things that we are most self-conscious about… yet every time my friends make fun of me for something I worry about, I actually feel better and more comfortable with myself. Whe…

Perhaps this is controversial, but I think this is a mostly male way of expressing affection. Women observing this sometimes conclude that men are horribly cruel to each other.

It can certainly be a barrier to male-male relationships if you didn't grow up around this behavior.

Re: Social anxiety isn't about being liked

#110

Post by dkarl »

BurningFrog wrote: post #107
dkarl wrote: post #95

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It's two different kinds of logic. The stereotypically male way makes sense to me: you take the weapons that could be used against someone and make them harmless. If you're fat, your friends call you fat, and you're like, hey, they know I'm fat, it's established that I'm fat, and they're my friends anyway! Being fat is fine! It takes all the fear out of it. In my perception, the stereotypically female way is, if you'…

"Men bond by saying nasty things they don’t mean. Women bond by saying nice things they don’t mean." I think there is some truth to this old saying. If so, it would make sense that both sides find the way of the other side a bit off-putting.

Eh... if you're fat, and your friends call you fat, they mean it. You're fat.

They just don't mean for it to hurt, and that's the wholesome part. Every time they call you fat, they're showing you that it's okay with them that you're fat.

If you're fat, and your friends tell you you're not fat, then to me that implies that the truth is too awful to say, but for your sake they'll pretend you're a different person. Which to me seems like it really underscores that it's not actually okay to be the way you are.

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