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Always Invite Anna

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Re: Always Invite Anna

#101

Post by Ancapistani »

n4bz0r wrote: post #27
Ancapistani wrote: post #23

I'll add to this: it's usually not only OK, but appreciated when you're explicit about this. I'm not a very social person by nature, and it has taken years -- decades, actually -- for me to get to the point where I feel comfortable in professional situations. One of the strategies I've developed to cope with this is to just be completely honest and upfront about my intentions. This has backfired a couple of times whe…

> This has backfired a couple of times Mind telling more about that?

In short, there are some things that are risky to tell your boss. The biggest one is if you’re unhappy.

A good boss will try to work with you to resolve the issue, and help you transition to another role or company if that isn’t possible. A bad one will undermine you, violate your confidences by reporting the concern up the chain, or even outright fire you. I’ve had the all of the above happen, though it’s been a while. I think I’ve gotten better at judging people, but it’s also possible that I’ve just had a lucky streak.

Re: Always Invite Anna

#102

Post by ttoinou »

nicbou wrote: post #100

If people keep declining invitations, I take the hint. Otherwise I feel like I'm pestering them. From my perspective, Anna is indistinguishable from someone who doesn't like me/the group/our plans that much. Organizers also put themselves out there when they suggest and idea and invite people. Being repeatedly shot down feels bad too. The core of my friend circles is the people who keep showing up. They're receptive…

Maybe the difference is at least Anna is taking time to answer politely ?

Nowadays, people just ignore / ghost you and don’t even take the time to answer

Re: Always Invite Anna

#103

Post by PeterStuer »

Most people do not understand passive socialization. They think 'social' always involves acting, that it means doing things or talking. For many, just 'being' is covering a social need. This can be just sitting together or like in the story just being made to feel included without the need to go beyond that.

Re: Always Invite Anna

#104

Post by 63stack »

majkinetor wrote: post #50

Everybody, who thinks this is OK, should think again - what if Anna genuinely didn't like parties, you at parties, music at parties or whatever else. Re-invating in that case is disrespectful, intrusive and even rude as all interactions need to be feedback controlled. Sure, any generalization will lack the subtle cues of context but its safe to say that this was an exceptional situation rather than representative. Pe…

>Everybody, who thinks this is OK, should think again - what if Anna genuinely didn't like parties, you at parties, music at parties or whatever else. Re-invating in that case is disrespectful, intrusive and even rude as all interactions need to be feedback controlled

Anna has a mouth she can use to speak up, instead of relying on others ability to read (possibly unexpressed) social cues.

Also what world do you live in where an invitation to somewhere from your friend group can be seen as disrespectful, intrusive, or rude? Talk about disconnect from reality.

Re: Always Invite Anna

#105

Post by wvh »

Never underestimate people's capacity for feeling left out, especially those that don't know how to show it. Loneliness and emotional disconnect are main drivers of depression and suicide. I agree with Alexei: always make an effort to invite everyone.

Re: Always Invite Anna

#106

Post by wvh »

waysa wrote: post #89

This is especially valuable for friends who struggle with depression. They almost never feel like going out because depression sucks out all their energy. But they'll appreciate the invite and that they're not forgotten. It's harder this way for them to isolate and go deeper down the spiral. One rule that helped me fight my depression was to accept invites no matter what. Go to the loud bar I don't like? I'm in. Cake…

Excellent point. As somebody with experience of major depression, even when you don't get taken up on your offer, always make sure people have an alternative to suicide. Put something in their calendar, even if you're sure they won't show up.

This is one main reason loneliness is a silent killer: nothing gets put into the calendar.

Re: Always Invite Anna

#107

Post by globular-toast »

nicbou wrote: post #100

If people keep declining invitations, I take the hint. Otherwise I feel like I'm pestering them. From my perspective, Anna is indistinguishable from someone who doesn't like me/the group/our plans that much. Organizers also put themselves out there when they suggest and idea and invite people. Being repeatedly shot down feels bad too. The core of my friend circles is the people who keep showing up. They're receptive…

One of the most difficult things in relationships is when each person thinks they are "doing the right thing" for the other, but it comes across as completely the opposite.

It reminds me of a relationship I had once which didn't work out for many reasons, but one thing in particular stood out: how we each expected to ask and receive help.

She would expect me to see that she needed help and just jump in. When no help was forthcoming she would just get more and more frustrated and annoyed that I wasn't helping. She treated me how she wanted to be treated: if she thought I needed help she'd just jump in and try to help.

But I was also treating her how I wanted to be treated. I don't like it when people just jump in and help. I want to figure things out for myself and if I want help I'll ask for it. So by each treating each other how we wanted to be treated we just annoyed each other constantly. It turns out the "golden rule" doesn't actually work; you can't just assume people are the same as you.

The invitation thing is similar. Some people will take "no" as a rejection. They know that if they say no then it means no, so they assume the same for others. But sometimes no really means "not this time, but please ask again". I have heard some people being really explicit when saying "no", like "sorry, I can't make it this time but I really want to join you so please invite me next time".

Re: Always Invite Anna

#108

Post by watwut »

dexterdog wrote: post #49
efsavage wrote: post #36

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I overheard two very outgoing co-workers once, where one asked the other if he was having his holiday party. "It was last weekend", he said. "Oh, I didn't get an invite" "That's because you never come" She looked shocked, I think she genuinely didn't know what to say. After an awkward silence she said, "but I liked to be invited" "I'll happily invite you next year if you promise to come" She smiled politely and walke…

It's probably just ego on the one side. That person likes to be invited to feel like they are the more valuable person in the relationship. If I were the other person I would make sure that invitation is never extended.

> That person likes to be invited to feel like they are the more valuable person in the relationship

Or it was just a comment without any major feelings of dominance attached to it. Some people interpret everything as a status fight, but most dont.

Re: Always Invite Anna

#110

Post by Zenbit_UX »

snapcaster wrote: post #82
squigz wrote: post #55

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'm so glad I don't understand and thus can't play these games with people. It sounds tiring.

What part don't you understand? I'm sure you engage with other forms of social status and signaling and this one seems pretty straightforward

I believe they were implying they don’t get social cues due to neurodivergence, likely autism. Hilariously you’re also not picking up on their social cues and implications, which is likewise telling.
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