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The electric fence stopped working years ago

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Re: The electric fence stopped working years ago

#101

Post by blueflow »

glitchcrab wrote: post #98
block_dagger wrote: post #96

The article asks when the reader was annoyed by someone checking in and it answers, “never.” Not so for me, I truly dislike people checking in on me, including my family members. It makes me uncomfortable. I’m an introvert, and my condition is my own business. Now and then is okay but not frequently. I also don’t answer calls on my birthday. It’s MY birthday after all, it’s a day for just me.

Do you not think that maybe those people care about you and would like to know how you are? I appreciate that you have your boundaries, but it doesn't sound like you're considering their point of view. Or maybe you are but it isn't conveyed in the post well.

I'm a different person, but maybe: Their family is where they got zapped. And that fence is probably still working.

Same for me...

Re: The electric fence stopped working years ago

#102

Post by samrus »

protonbob wrote: post #49

> The fence isn't there. It never was. It's just the memory of some childhood rejection, some social rule someone made up, some fear that caring more makes you matter less. Chesterton's Fence would say that maybe there is a reason and you should tread carefully. Sometimes a relationship died because it should have. Maybe you feel uncomfortable messaging someone because they have given nonverbals that they don't like…

I dont like chesterton's fence. I think we should revalidate these structures. In a low risk situation of course, but still prod at them a little. Its very dangerous to lose intitutional memory because of a dogma of never questioning things

Re: The electric fence stopped working years ago

#103

Post by jhbadger »

samrus wrote: post #102
protonbob wrote: post #49

> The fence isn't there. It never was. It's just the memory of some childhood rejection, some social rule someone made up, some fear that caring more makes you matter less. Chesterton's Fence would say that maybe there is a reason and you should tread carefully. Sometimes a relationship died because it should have. Maybe you feel uncomfortable messaging someone because they have given nonverbals that they don't like…

I dont like chesterton's fence. I think we should revalidate these structures. In a low risk situation of course, but still prod at them a little. Its very dangerous to lose intitutional memory because of a dogma of never questioning things

To be fair, in the analogy Chesterton wasn't saying we shouldn't question things but rather that we should understand why things are the way they are before assuming that we can change them for the better, and a lot of tragedy in the world comes from people who think we can just tear everything down and make it better without consequences.

Re: The electric fence stopped working years ago

#104

Post by animal531 »

ChrisMarshallNY wrote: post #56
stroz wrote: post #47

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Wow, this is incredible. You just proved that connection is 90% attitude, 10% history. You became friends because you acted like friends. Sometimes not knowing the "rules" is the superpower.

That's the secret with kids. The "rules" don't really start, until we get older. I grew up overseas (from where I am now -for some of you, it's probably home). Most of my playmates were drastically different from me.

I've seen videos where adults try to act like children and even there where they're trying really hard they'll get it hilariously wrong.

A great example is that little children have no protocol, they won't walk up to someone and say things like hi, how are you, how's the weather, etc.

Instead they'll just walk up and either stay mute, or just talk directly about what's currently happening, without any introduction or pre-amble.

Re: The electric fence stopped working years ago

#105

Post by madaxe_again »

btilly wrote: post #3

For most of us, certainly including me, a lot of those electric fences are alive and well. They are powered by thoughts associated with pain. Anything that triggers those thoughts, triggers that pain. We are not even aware of how our thinking has been constrained. We just avoid the possibility of triggering the thought. A person constrained by such a fence is very obvious from the outside. We see the irrational ratio…

You only have to be zapped a few times to be shy of it.

I tried reaching out to a bunch of folks from where I used to live a few years back, and got unanimously ghosted, until eventually someone responded telling me I was a vile piece of shit for what I did to X, who it transpired in my absence had brewed up a full on horror story about me, involving battery acid and violence - entirely fictitious, but apparently people thought little enough of me to believe it.

Now, I’m content enough to not go lick the fence voluntarily.

Re: The electric fence stopped working years ago

#106

Post by kayodelycaon »

chankstein38 wrote: post #27

I don't initiate conversation most of the time, not because of some kind of perception of weakness but because I don't really have time to hold conversations with every random person that I know. I like knowing they're there but I don't really feel the need to socialize with them or make smalltalk on a regular basis. If there's something I want to talk about I'll reach out but only if I know the conversation won't go…

I don’t initiate much conversation with most of my friends. I love my friends and have many of them but I can’t keep up with everyone’s lives.

I keep up with a few people who are easy to contact.

One group of friends have a discord server and twice a week voice calls I can drop into. This works great.

I also have older people in my life who actually do phone calls. So when I go out for a walk, I might call one of them.

Anyone who has expectations of me will be disappointed. I pop up where I can and my friends are happy to see me. They know I care and we always pick up where we left off.

Re: The electric fence stopped working years ago

#108

Post by dbuxton »

I once lived in Moscow on a compound with an adopted rescue dog. The compound had a shock collar and invisible fence setup.

Moscow’s street dogs are renowned for their intelligence. I have seen street dogs taking the escalators on the Metro. This dog worked out not just that the beeping + discomfort was worth the freedom, but also that he could wear out the battery faster by going up to the very edge of the fence - where the chirps became an uninterrupted beeeeep - and as soon as the beeping stopped, whoosh he was gone.

Re: The electric fence stopped working years ago

#109

Post by integralid »

derefr wrote: post #39
losteric wrote: post #37

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> The qualifications, the "what have you been up to?"s -- such mind-numbingly boring conventions. Who wants to go through a "catchup" interview before talking about what's interesting If I think about someone, that's exactly what's on my mind and most interesting. What else would you talk about?

Since we're talking about people you used to be closer with — presumably the same kind of stuff you would have talked to them about "back in the day", when you were already continuously aware of what they've been up to because you were up to it alongside them / constantly making plans with them / hearing what they were doing from shared other friends / etc.

I'm thinking how it would work. What should I talk about - programming frameworks and techniques I don't care about anymore? Rock bands I don't listen to? Shared friends I don't know now? Current school/uni things? Magic the gathering cards? Anime? Rock climbing? I don't know about anything I have in common with my old friends. But maybe, just maybe, it we catch up we can talk about kids or best back pain medicine. Or rock climbing, because that's one of the few things I still do.

Re: The electric fence stopped working years ago

#110

Post by integralid »

dataflow wrote: post #76
lordnacho wrote: post #8

This is right. People ask my how on earth I know what every one of my high school classmates is up to, when we were the last class of the millennium. Along with a number of old teachers and other randoms from years ago. I just stopped having a filter. When I think of someone, I just fire off a message. The message doesn't have any warnings on it like "oh I know it's been a while" or "you might not remember me". I wri…

> The message doesn't have any warnings on it like "oh I know it's been a while" or "you might not remember me". I write to everyone as if we are best buddies who just had lunch last week. People I've known since the age of 4, to people I've known for four days. [...] If you just pretend you are best buddies, people play along and they end up quite comfortable quite quickly. This can't be serious? My messages to my '…

I don't get why are you downvoted, because I feel similarly and I don't get it too. My only explanation is maybe other people communicate with friends wastly different than we do?
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