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The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

nytimes.com

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Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#101

Post by kafkaesque »

vipervpn wrote: post #98
kafkaesque wrote: post #44

This rings very true. In fact, I turned 29 eleven months ago and I moved here (to another country, albeit culturally similar) eight months ago. I have zero friends. My coworkers are vastly different from me. I work with two people the most; one is a younger guy who goes clubbing and is interested in getting laid, and the other is a 40-something woman who is most likely menopausal and hates everything in her life. I'm…

I despise cars too (which definitely makes me an oddball since I'm Canadian and live in a mid-sized city), so I sympathize with you. North America is obsessed with cars, and has caused a lot of pollution and havoc on the landscape. But I digress. I just wanted to let you know there are others that feel the same way.

Thanks. I moved from Vancouver. A couple people I talk to love to point out my 'Canadianisms'.

When I first moved here, people were surprised I wasn't into cars and told me, "Don't worry, give it a few months!" And I just smiled and said, "I don't know!"

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#102

Post by barking »

nhashem wrote: post #52

Just going to share a little anecdote here. I moved to Los Angeles in 2004. The next year I organized a softball team, mostly coworkers at the time. There are six of us that have been playing since we started, going on seven years now, even though we've almost all since changed jobs. Even though it's "just softball" (and our league is about as uncompetitive as possible without being totally beer-league), we've all ma…

This makes sense to me even though I am not involved in anything similar, wish I was though

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#103

Post by ralfd »

corin_ wrote: post #46
tsotha wrote: post #39

I knew a guy who made a boatload of money off of the dotcom bubble. He kept doubling down and doubling down, then at right about the peak he told himself "I have as much money as I'll ever need if I cash out now. There's no reason to take any more risks." In other words, he timed it perfectly (based on his own situation - he wasn't genius and he would freely admit that) So here he was, a multimillionaire who'd spent…

Obviously there are people who can't do this (Zuckerburg, and plenty of much smaller examples too) but I don't see why, if you have the choice, you'd let people know how rich you are. Of course, unless you live the life of someone much poorer people can always guess ("hey, nice house you've got there..."), but people who talk about how rich they are, or show off with the money... just seems stupid to me.

Speaking of Zuckerberg: I find it a good move to avoid gold-diggering that he married his college sweetheart.

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#104

Post by tsotha »

larrys wrote: post #66
tsotha wrote: post #39

I knew a guy who made a boatload of money off of the dotcom bubble. He kept doubling down and doubling down, then at right about the peak he told himself "I have as much money as I'll ever need if I cash out now. There's no reason to take any more risks." In other words, he timed it perfectly (based on his own situation - he wasn't genius and he would freely admit that) So here he was, a multimillionaire who'd spent…

"So there were always people around. There were always women willing to sleep with him. But they were there for the money and he couldn't delude himself into thinking otherwise." For some reason people seem to think that someone wanting to be around because of a person's fame or money is less pure than other reasons because it's not real. Generally when people want to be around someone it's because they give them som…

>For some reason people seem to think that someone wanting to be around because of a person's fame or money is less pure than other reasons because it's not real.

There's a big difference between a person's intrinsic properties and his money. You like your friends; you like the rich guy's money.

And when you're around someone for his money you're playing a part. It's a job. You're not going to tell him what you really think about anything. That's pathological.

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#105

Post by vijayr »

crusso wrote: post #12
majormajor wrote: post #2

You don't even need to me approaching middle age. I'm in my 20s and moved halfway across the country recently, and am continually amazed at how hard it is to make good friends of the same gender. Given all the websites/events/groups dedicated to meeting people to date I've found it far easier than ever to get dates, but more difficult to make friends. It's a weird reversal. There's probably an opportunity for a littl…

I've found it far easier than ever to get dates, but more difficult to make friends That's interesting and kind of profound. I guess when you're arranging dates on match.com, the intention is clear. You're out to meet someone for a relationship. It's the goal. A meetup to discuss Ruby on Rails or something is all about the subject of the meetup. Most are there just to talk about Rails and get help with a bug, not to…

I've found it far easier than ever to get dates, but more difficult to make friends

People have ridiculously high standards for friendships than dates. This sounds weird, even writing it, but I've found it to be true again and again. Many many people would have no problems dating absolute jerks, but wouldn't hang out for 15 minutes with a genuinely nice person (of the same gender). May be people are just desperate to hang out with people of opposite gender? I dunno.

There's probably an opportunity for a little business there,

I doubt that. How could you do this as a business? Arrange volunteer activities/"friend dates"/hang-outs with the primary aim of making friends? Make a website like lookingforfriends.com (just made up the name)? Most people just can't be bothered to spend 5 minutes getting to know another person, unless there is something in it for them (that is why it is easier to get dates, than friends). It just boils down to, people are just plain selfish, at least most of them.

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#106

Post by chewxy »

While I echo the sentiments of many people here, I don't think that it should be difficult to make friends with people. Granted, we being full blown adults have lives that probably doesn't involve roaming around in clubs and meeting people.

I mean, I had problems making friends. I even started a website to throw dinner parties for strangers (http://strangersfordinner.com), but it turns out it was the willingness to make friends that... made friends.

Since starting the site, I've been to more meetups and dinner parties than I could care to count. I recently introspected and realized that it wasn't the tool, rather it was my own willingness to be more social that caused it.

That said, I still think I am pretty much a loner. So, yea still working on it

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#107

Post by michaelochurch »

Social life after college is broken. This isn't a complaint. I'm OK with things as they are, but probably because I'm pretty introverted and also because, after years of getting used to cynical networking being the norm, I'm as much a part of the problem as anyone else.

We have too much income and social stratification in this country. It's starting to become unreasonable and lead to unexpected adults, including the impoverishment of social life. We have a society based on climbing and positioning and maintaining ground, and that causes a lot of these problems. People don't realize that when they live in gated communities, they've essentially taken up a mentality that confines them to isolation, because once you start to conclude that most people are undesirable and need to kept away, you become cynical and just starting rejecting people for ludicrous reasons, until you end up alone because no one (not even you, if you evaluated yourself honestly) can meet your high standards.

Socially, college was better because a 3.2 English major and a 3.9 math major could eat at the same table and attend the same activities. I didn't even know most of my friends' GPAs. It didn't matter. That enabled a certain diversity of thought that doesn't exist in the adult world.

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#108

Post by fecklessyouth »

CHURCH, CHURCH, CHURCH.

There's none of the financial worries, pecking orders, or time constraints of workplace friendships, plus more of the freedom. You do it, supposedly, once a week, or more. There's no pressure to make small talk because you're there for another purpose as well, so if you get uncomfortable, you can just leave. As you get more involved, you start joining committees, planning events, coaching teams, going on retreats, leading the local Boy Scout troop, participating in Bible studies, etc and are able to bond with adults there. As long as you're set on your denomination, there's no reason to leave while you're still in the geographical area. Your kids can encourage interaction with other parents, and if they stop being friends, they'll probably still be forced together through sports/school/service events. And you're operating on the same general life philosophy as all of them--supposedly.

When my parents moved, their "friends list" literally became a subsection of the church directory.

Church literally fills every requirement in the article, since it's a very social event with a purpose besides being social for its own sake. I'm amazed the author didn't mention it. Well, not too amazed, since there's nothing more socially unsexier than church groups. I know most people here aren't too warm on religion but it sure knows how to built community.

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#109

Post by larrys »

tsotha wrote: post #104
larrys wrote: post #66

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"So there were always people around. There were always women willing to sleep with him. But they were there for the money and he couldn't delude himself into thinking otherwise." For some reason people seem to think that someone wanting to be around because of a person's fame or money is less pure than other reasons because it's not real. Generally when people want to be around someone it's because they give them som…

>For some reason people seem to think that someone wanting to be around because of a person's fame or money is less pure than other reasons because it's not real. There's a big difference between a person's intrinsic properties and his money. You like your friends; you like the rich guy's money. And when you're around someone for his money you're playing a part. It's a job. You're not going to tell him what you reall…

"You like your friends; you like the rich guy's money."

Oh?

So you think that there aren't a large number of rich people that are interesting and have achieved something which is the reason they are rich? And it would be great to spend some time with them?

Steve Jobs was rich and had power and fame. So the only reason anyone would want to be around Steve is because of the money, the power and the fame? Or Larry Ellison? Or Warren Buffet? Or even Paul Graham? He's doing ok and I'm sure he would be interesting to be around even for people who have no interest in the startup scene and nothing to gain by knowing Paul.

But even if someone was born into money for that matter then as a result of having money they also could be interesting and nice to be around for exactly that reason. Or at least entertaining (the Kennedy's come to mind..)

Re: The Challenge of Making Friends as an Adult

#110

Post by prawn »

pnathan wrote: post #88
Timothee wrote: post #26

It's definitely challenging. One part is actually meeting people with whom you click. Unless you go to a lot of meetups and similar events, overall, you won't be meeting that many new people besides co-workers. And meetups tend to have a theme other than just having fun, whereas that's what most college activities are about. So you meet people in a serious context, and you need to bring the fun with you.* So, you fir…

> But as you grow older, you also lose a lot of that casualness that you had before: you don't just invite them over after work to play video games. Now that you're a "grown-up", it's "a dinner". And since you're a grown-up, your home has better be somewhat clean, and you can't just serve pizza. What was a spontaneous interaction before is now a whole event that needs planning, some cleaning, some cooking, etc. (unti…

Aren't quiet pubs/bars for that? Or say you've had a busy week but how about takeaway and some trashy TV in the background? Been meaning to try some local restaurant, you guys want to see if it's any good?
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