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How to communicate when trust is low without digging yourself into a deeper hole

charity.wtf

101–110 of 304 posts

Re: How to communicate when trust is low without digging yourself into a deeper hole

#101
post #21
post #20

Earlier quoted context omitted.

That's a cultural thing. In many cultures exclamation points come across as demands/accusations, not emphasis.

That's fair, I'm writing from a West-Coast-USA-tech-company perspective. An exclamation point from a partner at a law firm... probably hits a little different! But in more informal communication, I think exclamation points are good because they help convey tone and energy in a way that is often lacking. It helps break up a message that can otherwise feel flat and cold.

As a data point, the last email we got from our closing attorney was a single sentence ending in a period. Much like this one.

The same message ending in an exclamation point would have been substantially less nerve-wracking :grimacing:

Re: How to communicate when trust is low without digging yourself into a deeper hole

#102
post #99
post #90

Earlier quoted context omitted.

That’s a good perspective to bring! One question, though: do you think it would make the rest of your comment materially worse communication if you added just one excessively positive but non-load-bearing sentence at the beginning? Maybe something like “That’s a good perspective to bring!” Maybe that’s not the way you communicate most sincerely, the way it is for me and others. Maybe I sound insincere to you right no…

Interesting! If we can be honest with one another though, your comment reads to me as not just insincere, but condescending. This might be cultural more than ..'genderal' - I was hearing echoes of 'thank you so much! You're so welcome!' familiar from even the most mundane interactions in the US. (It's quite jarring when you say 'thanks', for having been sold something in a shop say, expecting to leave it at that, to…

In principle, I agree -- no one is entitled to one communication style or another, and we should all respect each others' preferences.

But the problem is that the flow between those personas is not bidirectional.

Again, generalizing a lot here, but let's call them Cold and Warm personas.

If a Cold receives a Warm message, generally speaking the worst they might feel is that the other person is being inauthentic. In my experience, what usually happens is that they just filter out all the niceties as extraneous and get on with their day. As time goes on, they won't necessarily change their communications or relationship with that person -- after all, they're still getting what they need from them.

On the other hand, if a Warm receives a Cold message -- if they notice a pattern of receiving Cold messages -- they might take that as standoffishness or outright hostility. Even if it's not that negative, the Warm simply won't build as much trust as they otherwise might. They aren't getting what they need.

So in this scenario, if everyone communicates as they naturally would, Colds don't notice anything wrong, while Warms feel like they're actively missing out on something important to them.

I would also note that, again in my experience, most people who describe themselves as Cold communicators ("I don't want fluff, just communicate directly with me") actually really appreciate people who communicate with lots of social niceties. They respond to them more quickly, they're willing to explain misconceptions, and so on. They just don't think it's because of communication style.

Re: How to communicate when trust is low without digging yourself into a deeper hole

#103
post #24

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Very timely for me as well, have been having tough time with my partner especially about how unfriendly and critical I sound, even though my intentions are for general improvement and well being around home.

There is little less welcome than unsolicited "advice", especially coming from the person and place that are supposed to be the refuge from all the shit going on in the world.

A long-term partner probably knows you better than anyone. No one likes getting called out on their stuff, if you want to grow as a person or as a couple you’re going to move past that initial discomfort, reflect on it and then decide if it’s valid enough feedback to try to integrate it.

Re: How to communicate when trust is low without digging yourself into a deeper hole

#104
I use "communication snippets" or "fillers"

for example

> Person A: “Hey, do you have any idea why this number is low? It’s a mystery … nobody I’ve talked to yet seems to know.”

is really long

I just say

> curious; why is that number low?

other prefixes I use are:

1. adding to the discussion

2. for discussion

3. low pri, no need to respond

4. neutral

5. nonactionable

6. sharing opinion

https://www.notion.so/aizatto/communication-snippets-fillers...

Re: How to communicate when trust is low without digging yourself into a deeper hole

#105
post #60

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> In my experience, men, engineers, and especially engineers who are men tend to think of this as unnecessary fluff. They often decline to add these little social niceties because to them, they sound inauthentic. I really hate to make such a clichéd and usually flawed argument, but can you imagine the reverse going down well? And if the male cohort (to continue this stereotype/generalisation/simplification) don't lik…

Emoticons are useful on more friendly settings, this is useful on both friendly and professional settings. Using both are good. If you want to make discussion feels like a friendly situation, using emoticon can emphasis the emotion.

It was the reasoning I objected to rather than the specific advice, and I may have misread/misunderstood but I thought it was tied just to exclamation marks anyway, not emoticons.

Re: How to communicate when trust is low without digging yourself into a deeper hole

#106
"That's not a character flaw or anything! You have every right to feel that way. I do think it is just categorically wrong, though." Do you have any idea how asinine that statement is? Let me translate it into English: "I respect your opinion, but actually I don't. You should communicate the way I prefer, not the way you prefer, because my feelings matter and yours don't".

Don't tell me that's not what you said, because it absolutely is. Is it really that shocking that you don't always get much more respect than you give?

Re: How to communicate when trust is low without digging yourself into a deeper hole

#107
post #99
post #90

Earlier quoted context omitted.

That’s a good perspective to bring! One question, though: do you think it would make the rest of your comment materially worse communication if you added just one excessively positive but non-load-bearing sentence at the beginning? Maybe something like “That’s a good perspective to bring!” Maybe that’s not the way you communicate most sincerely, the way it is for me and others. Maybe I sound insincere to you right no…

Interesting! If we can be honest with one another though, your comment reads to me as not just insincere, but condescending. This might be cultural more than ..'genderal' - I was hearing echoes of 'thank you so much! You're so welcome!' familiar from even the most mundane interactions in the US. (It's quite jarring when you say 'thanks', for having been sold something in a shop say, expecting to leave it at that, to…

Yeah, I totally get that. And I absolutely knew going in that suggesting you write exactly the same thing I wrote in that exact comment couldn’t help but sound condescending.

But in complete honesty, hedging around it any more than that would have felt insincere to me. And in exchange I got sincere feedback! So really, I’m just doing things your way, and I’ve seen the benefit of it :)

With that said, for your future reference: if you hadn’t said “Interesting!” first, I wouldn’t be engaging charitably right now— I’d be debating whether to engage at all. Based on the next sentence I’m guessing you meant it more as a way to call my sincerity bluff, but I’m telling you it fucking works. Might be an idea to keep around?

To your parenthetical: One other thing to keep in mind is that those employees (I’ve been one) have to talk to terse, grumpy people all day long, and even if it’s not reciprocated, that can be a way to carve out a little moment of real human kindness. I’d keep some weight on the possibility that, sometimes, for a moment, they do just genuinely hope you have a good rest of the day.

I know there’s probably no way I can now convince you that I genuinely hope you have a good rest of the day, so, uh… take care?

Re: How to communicate when trust is low without digging yourself into a deeper hole

#108
post #99
post #90

Earlier quoted context omitted.

That’s a good perspective to bring! One question, though: do you think it would make the rest of your comment materially worse communication if you added just one excessively positive but non-load-bearing sentence at the beginning? Maybe something like “That’s a good perspective to bring!” Maybe that’s not the way you communicate most sincerely, the way it is for me and others. Maybe I sound insincere to you right no…

Interesting! If we can be honest with one another though, your comment reads to me as not just insincere, but condescending. This might be cultural more than ..'genderal' - I was hearing echoes of 'thank you so much! You're so welcome!' familiar from even the most mundane interactions in the US. (It's quite jarring when you say 'thanks', for having been sold something in a shop say, expecting to leave it at that, to…

I understand your point about the (theoretical) equal split between styles, so why close one or the other.

But I think you've landed on choosing your own way, when really you should try and match the vocal tone of the other person. After all the point of communicating is to get the other person receptive to your point.

And this goes both ways, I think overly perky and chipper people need to understand introverts and low-energy communicators, and match their tone as well.

Re: How to communicate when trust is low without digging yourself into a deeper hole

#109

This is all well and good advice. But sometimes you have to work with people who demonstrate traits of Narcissism Personality Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder. E.g. someone who never accepts responsibility or someone frequently demonstrating emotional lability. I am not sure the best course of action in these situations.

Unfortunately, these diagnoses seem to get flung around by people quite unqualified to do so. My guess is that context and timing matters a lot and that these conditions are quite rare.

Re: How to communicate when trust is low without digging yourself into a deeper hole

#110

Something I think is missing from this list: make a sacrifice for the sake of the other person. If trust has been damaged, it might take more than just talk to repair it. You may need to give the other person part of what they want as a gesture of good will. I've seen this go a long way in certain situations. Of course, this comes with some caveats. For example, if there's a power imbalance in a damaged relationship,…

You are correct.

Words are cheap, and trust is expensive to repair, if it can be repaired at all.

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