Ask HN: Where are all the parties? • Hacker News Board

Re: Ask HN: Where are all the parties?

#101

Post by cyanbane » Fri, Jan 20, 2023, 2:53 PM UTC

I felt like there was a downward trend in parties before COVID hit for me. This would be me in my late 30s. In our 20s I feel like we still went to a lot of parties and tried to at least "drop by" when we could. But then we had kids and it became a lot harder - but we still try to make the important things ( bdays, graduations, etc ). This was the micro ( and just where I was in life ) now, with COVID I feel like a) there are not as many parties - just kind of like a covid hangover on social gatherings and b) it is much easier to say "no" without social repercussions. One thing I don't like is that now children don't get invited to a lot of other children's birthday parties, where as I remember that was a huge deal growing up for me. You always knew which friend had a birthday coming up and it was a huge deal. Now I feel like most kids in our social circle are fine with just 2 or 3 close friends over to the house for a small gathering. It just seems like the era of big, social parties has dwindled locally/micro.

I really enjoyed this thread as it really is neat to see how other people perceive something I have noticed, but not really acknowledged.

Re: Ask HN: Where are all the parties?

#102

Post by edding4500 » Fri, Jan 20, 2023, 2:55 PM UTC

mingusrude wrote: post #27

We had a party this summer, my wife turned 50 and we wanted to host a party in our house for all our friends. We thought it would be a blast but there were problems. First problem, we don't really have that many friends. Back in the day, it felt natural to invite anyone you remotely knew but today, not so much. So, only those that we had some kind of deeper relationship got on the list, in total maybe 30 people or so…

I am currently reading '30 lessons for living' by Karl Pillemer and one chapter is about aging fearlessly and well. Most elderly realized in hindsight that they imagined being old as a terrible thing. They feared getting older by the age of 40 because they felt what you describe: life seems to get more serious and more boring. Friends don't want to party like they used to do. One of the advices of the chapter was the following: 4. Stay connected. Take seriously the threat of social isolation in middle age and beyond, and make conscious efforts beginning in middle age to stay connected through new learning opportunities and relationships.

I am currently trying to adapt that to my own situation. 31yo post 2 years of Corona isolation. I just signed up for volunteer work and a rowing club and life feels fun again :)

Re: Ask HN: Where are all the parties?

#103

Post by bennyelv » Fri, Jan 20, 2023, 2:57 PM UTC

majikaja wrote: post #63

bennyelv wrote: post #58

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'm much the same, in a DINK situation and going hard at life experiences but everyone our age has had children and their lives revolve around looking after them. It's just not very interesting, and nobody has time for fun outside of that. One of my best friends (female) was in the Royal Marines, travelled to Antarctica etc when she was a late teenager/early 20s but now all she does is bring up her children, visit th…

Perhaps dropping to a single income would make kids a more tolerable experience.

Assuming you mean that your expectations grow and shrink with your means: The person in question is married, husband makes a solid wage, and she would be doing exactly the same if it wasn't for children.

It was a conscious decision/plan to do the kids thing.

I wouldn't focus on this specific example however, that wasn't my intention. My point is that people give up so much in order to raise children. One of the major reasons why people of child rearing age aren't going to parties and having as much fun as they used to is because they're now raising children, so they can't. They don't have as wide a range of interesting things going on in their lives because raising children is an all or nothing type of affair.

Re: Ask HN: Where are all the parties?

#104

Post by baus » Fri, Jan 20, 2023, 2:59 PM UTC

I'm almost 50. Parties change. The last party I had in November was a few couples drinking wine, eating charcuterie, and listening to Jazz records. Not a bad way to spend a night in my opinion.

I still like like to be social, so I took up vinyl DJing! That kindda tempers my urge for parties: https://baus.net/miami-vinyl-dj/

Re: Ask HN: Where are all the parties?

#105

Post by CalRobert » Fri, Jan 20, 2023, 3:00 PM UTC

Well, there's https://twitter.com/defconparties of course.

I just spent a good amount of time talking to a therapist (first time) about how painfully lonely I am. I moved to the countryside because the city was too unaffordable but friends I used to see a couple times a month are now a couple times a year. And I just had my 40th where my wife invited one of her friends (another couple with kids) and it was nice, but it wasn't "my" friends, if that makes sense.

My days are wake up - get kids ready for school - work - come home and basically work nonstop dealing with kids (I love them but fuck they're a lot of work), pass out, maybe text an old friend or two, most of whom also had kids recently.

I suppose after your 30's anymore life is just lonely. Maybe it'll pick up again in a decade or so when I'm not getting summoned to wipe a kid's butt or screamed at because I used the wrong cup or plate but it doesn't really feel like it.

I'm hoping to at least move to a walkable city again. Leaving was a huge mistake I bitterly regret.

Re: Ask HN: Where are all the parties?

#106

Post by czbond » Fri, Jan 20, 2023, 3:02 PM UTC

My view - adults are generally boring. Something about busy schedules and responsibility ;)

Go to a concert. Buy some overpriced beer - the party happens. (my experience with rock concerts only)

I've never enjoyed parties at people's house (too few people, too intimate) - but very large groups I enjoy. All of my neighbors are the opposite (prefer intimate at home gatherings) which I always skip.

Re: Ask HN: Where are all the parties?

#107

Post by amelius » Fri, Jan 20, 2023, 3:02 PM UTC

SunlightEdge wrote: post #46

I'm in my early 40s. My way of having parties is through salsa/bachata events around London. There is always something on and most people are very friendly. I also drop in on Improvisation sessions in and around London - full of friendly people. And before Covid I used to do workshops around Europe too. Again can get invited to lots of parties that way. I think I could probably rock this out for another 10-15 years e…

+1 The best part about this is that you don't have to get drunk to have a good night.

Re: Ask HN: Where are all the parties?

#108

Post by nickthegreek » Fri, Jan 20, 2023, 3:03 PM UTC

I use to be.... a pretty big party guy. But eventually I kind "aged out" of that scene. I recognized a few years back that I was missing the hanging out. But I still didn't want to go back to the club life. So I reached out to a few old friends to see if anyone was interested in playing d&d. Now, for years, my wife and I host a game every Friday and Sunday. It's helped fill the niche in an old man kinda way.

Re: Ask HN: Where are all the parties?

#109

Post by CalRobert » Fri, Jan 20, 2023, 3:04 PM UTC

AlecSchueler wrote: post #38

jascination wrote: post #32

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This was a really thoughtful response, thanks for sharing it. As a 35 year old who's just had his first kids this makes me sad to read, it really feels like I'm past the age of good parties now. Pre-covid we were having raucous times every weekend and now there's too much responsibility to imagine that again. And I'm probably getting towards the age where it'd be a bit sad to still do that anyway. FWIW one place I've…

> ...care little about age in the party scene is Madrid. Plenty of nights you're just as likely to be partying with 60 year olds as 25 year olds. Same in Ireland. Funnily enough the party scene there also includes many Spaniards of all ages, as well as an overrepresentation of Greeks and Italians. Wherever I go in Europe, if I go to a party I know it's likely I'll meet someone from one of those four countries there.

Where in Ireland? And to be fair there's loads of Spanish and Brazilian students here (they tell me it's a good place to practice English, or was before the housing crisis), which does help keep the place lively

I don't go out a lot but in fairness I remember back in the day seeing plenty of post-60 people up late and out and about.

Re: Ask HN: Where are all the parties?

#110

Post by maho » Fri, Jan 20, 2023, 3:04 PM UTC

For me it is a combination of age, having kids, having moved around, and general deterioration of the social fabric. Especially church-related events are mostly absent in my social circle.

But boy am I glad that I took the decision to join a "Studentenverbindung" (fraternity) in my university days! Three times per semester we put on suits, sit around a long table, drink beer, and sing nonsensical songs. This has been going on without fail for 140 years -- well, almost without fail, there were gaps during ww1, ww2, and covid. I go to about 1/3 of these events. I meet my old university friends, their families, and a bunch of young students. I expect to continue doing this for many years to come.