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Getting Out of a Rut

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Re: Getting Out of a Rut

#101

Post by ITB »

jcpst wrote: post #96
orblivion wrote: post #59

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I really appreciate this because it's effectively the same advice as the "it's on you, stop complaining, stop feeling sorry for yourself, etc" stuff, except it's not at all condescending or demeaning, and it has more specific useful steps. I'm no longer in the rut I was in mid-to-late pandemic but this seems like a useful attitude for other areas in which I feel stuck.

> I'm no longer in the rut I was in mid-to-late pandemic I don’t want to get too meta, or say you’re wrong, but there’s a lot of us that are very much right in the middle of this pandemic. And it contributes to the rut. If you live in a household that is collectively protecting a loved one who is immunocompromised, this pandemic hasn’t gone anywhere in the past two and a half years. Shoot- even if you just don’t want…

COVID is never going to be over. So at some point it becomes your decision to move on with your life. And if you decide to continue being protective of a vulnerable loved one, then it’s not the pandemic— it’s the burden of caring for a loved one that many others have to deal with outside of COVID. This is not to disavow your personal difficulties. It’s just that I struggle to understand what else we can do as a society to fight a pandemic that is now endemic. I don’t think there is anything else left.

Re: Getting Out of a Rut

#103

Post by uptownfunk »

I think the nice thing is you’ve already taken the first step:

1) understand what is truly meaningful to you

In other words, on your death bed, did you do what you wanted to do?

Once you’ve figured that out, then you can start orienting your life towards those things.

Start with one small atomic change per week.

If you keep that up, imagine how great your life will be. Vs if not, where will you go to?

You have a son, so that motivation is there. Kids will test your patience, and patience defines parenting, just like commitment defines a relationship.

So you need to be at your best.

Changing your life for the better is one of the hardest things you can do, so start small, give yourself time, and celebrate each win.

I think in no time you can be ready to be feeling amazing and ready to be an amazing parent.

Re: Getting Out of a Rut

#104

Post by vidyesh »

dQw4w9WgXcQ wrote: post #39

As someone in a "rut" recently, one of the things I realized was I needed to stop telling myself the story that I'm in a rut, because describing it as a "rut" focuses on a lot of externals I can't control. When you get a flat tire you can catastrophically repeat over and over to yourself that "I've got a flat!" and point at it and run circles around the car and wonder what you're going to do and "omg I've got a flat…

I don't think the problem is how you narrate it to yourself. I agree you have to stop saying you are in some kind of rut at some point to start acting to get out of it but the reason why that difficult to do when you are in a rut is because unlike in case of "I've got a flat", the end result is not in sight.

Changing a flat has been done a million times so it a known blueprint you can follow, its easier to do such things even when you don't feel like doing it as it requires very little (mental)energy to do something you are instructed to do without the burden of responsibility, consequences and the certain nature of conclusion from it.

Whereas when it comes to your own life, vague steps are given and each of your action leads to some consequence which you have to tackle. You could face uncertainty in every step. You can lay down the steps other people take to get out of rut but you can be certain your path and your journey will be different from theirs which is scary and likely to add more stress.

So your point of claiming your power and focus is the real key imo, you gain that which gives you to confidence and the will power to handle uncertainty even when you are scared.

I apologize if this came out very confusing as I feel I could write a blog post about it with my scattered thoughts so its hard to condense my thought process into a smaller message.

Re: Getting Out of a Rut

#105

Post by vidyesh »

soheil wrote: post #70
vidyesh wrote: post #57

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> simply just live in the 21st century with all of it's stresses All the listicles which talk about ways to replenish your energy talk about various healthy habits, and mostly psychological things which isn't possible in anyone who is struggling in this century or rich enough to delegate tasks and pass on the stressors. If we cannot effectively replenish energy or manage our energy, I wonder where does it leave us? A…

I think the key is delegation as you point out. Having to do things that are awful and have zero contribution should be avoided. For example calling a customer service line and jumping through 5 really stupid automated prompts to talk to a human being who you can barely understand is one of them.

Basically the 'Eisenhower Matrix', I tried it and really struggle with the Delegation and Elimination task.

Re: Getting Out of a Rut

#106

Post by hsn915 »

fy20 wrote: post #97
hsn915 wrote: post #10

Cleanup your room. Cleanup your appearance (hair, beard, cloths, etc). Taking care of yourself reaffirms to your brain that you value yourself, and will get you moving again in the right direction. If I may "guess" what's going on: You are becoming a father but you weren't planning on it, or the mother is not the right person for you, but you feel obligated and so you have no choice? First of all, you always have a c…

I would not suggest trying to change your job or start a business when you first become a father. The first few months or so it's easy to leave everything to the mother, as the baby is basically just feeding and sleeping and pooping. It seems that you don't need to do much, so can take life easy and take on new projects. Wrong. This is when you need to do the most. if you have family living nearby who can look after…

That's exactly why you should remove sources of stress.

If you are financially somewhat comfortable (I assume most people in tech are so, more or less), it's better to go independent.

The first few months you will be so busy and stressed out not only from the baby but from the wife too, specially given the possibility that OP is not on good terms with the mother of the child (not even sure if "wife").

Imagine being bossed around not only by your boss at your job that you are apathetic towards, but also by your wife, and obviously by the baby?

Resentment will grow.

Better be in control of at least one thing: your career.

Re: Getting Out of a Rut

#107

Post by angrais »

HWR_14 wrote: post #89
angrais wrote: post #87

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Make a bed means to move the duvet/top sheet so it covers the whole bed. Reasons that you'd want to do this: hygiene (air doesn't get where you sleep - both a good and bad thing), and design (looks as it should).

Why on earth would it by hygienic to trap the sweat in the bed as opposed to letting things air dry? Air itself isn't unhygienic. Meanwhile, design is a circular argument. It only "looks as it should" if you think you should make the bed.

For reference, I thought of those points of the fly so perhaps you or others can think of positive and negative points too.

I agree with you, which is why I personally fold down the top half of my bedding.

As for design/looks I likely described this wrong. Bedding is designed to be made full on the bed. It's not a circular argument. The design is best when the bed is made as you can see whatever design is on the pillows, sheet, etc.

Another reason: it's a small accomplishment that could be a good motivator for your day (especially if you're depressed).

Re: Getting Out of a Rut

#108

Post by seventhtiger »

vidyesh wrote: post #18
Comevius wrote: post #16

Welcome to depression. You are burned out and fighting for a dopamine hit, hence the overindulgence. From time to time you become motivated to change, which too becomes a source of dopamine, dreaming about doing it, but never following through, because you never have the energy, and motivation is just as fleeting as the high you get from porn, games and food is. The first thing you can do for yourself is changing you…

I am a victim of bursts of motivation and then suddenly I have zero energy to keep up with what I have been doing which was good for me. And then I slowly slip into the bad habits I thought I had gotten rid off and then motivation comes back and the vicious circle continues. I read about how important energy is, how energy management is key to everything. And the best way I read is to manage energy and not crash by t…

I am too. The most interesting take I heard is that motivation is not the spark gets you going. It's one more impulse that a depressed impulsive person has. I give in to the impulse until I get all the dopamine I was gonna get out of it, then I impulsively abandon it just like I took it up.

So the intuitive idea that you start with a burst of motivation and then you maintain it with discipline is wrong. Motivation is exactly the kind of impulsive distraction that destroys discipline.

Starting with discipline means rejecting random motivation when it comes, just like you might want to reject candy or lighting up a joint. Starting with discipline means you make the commitment first, and you fight to stick to it without any of the motivational high.

From that lens, I started seeing "get my life together" thoughts at 1am to be as bad as the worst impulses I struggle with.

https://youtu.be/TImmiAS1USQ

Re: Getting Out of a Rut

#109

Post by vidyesh »

seventhtiger wrote: post #108
vidyesh wrote: post #18

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I am a victim of bursts of motivation and then suddenly I have zero energy to keep up with what I have been doing which was good for me. And then I slowly slip into the bad habits I thought I had gotten rid off and then motivation comes back and the vicious circle continues. I read about how important energy is, how energy management is key to everything. And the best way I read is to manage energy and not crash by t…

I am too. The most interesting take I heard is that motivation is not the spark gets you going. It's one more impulse that a depressed impulsive person has. I give in to the impulse until I get all the dopamine I was gonna get out of it, then I impulsively abandon it just like I took it up. So the intuitive idea that you start with a burst of motivation and then you maintain it with discipline is wrong. Motivation is…

Thanks for sharing the video. Very interesting points they bring up, our brain is efficient and resists change so it needs to be trained to thrive in adversity and the concept of seeking quick solutions than rather work for the change.

I also am very interested and very skeptical of the idea of limiting my action and not let it consume my energy. I thrive in flow state, so the idea of not giving into the flow state but instead cap it to few hours feels a little strange to me.

Re: Getting Out of a Rut

#110

Post by jcpst »

ITB wrote: post #101
jcpst wrote: post #96

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I'm no longer in the rut I was in mid-to-late pandemic I don’t want to get too meta, or say you’re wrong, but there’s a lot of us that are very much right in the middle of this pandemic. And it contributes to the rut. If you live in a household that is collectively protecting a loved one who is immunocompromised, this pandemic hasn’t gone anywhere in the past two and a half years. Shoot- even if you just don’t want…

COVID is never going to be over. So at some point it becomes your decision to move on with your life. And if you decide to continue being protective of a vulnerable loved one, then it’s not the pandemic— it’s the burden of caring for a loved one that many others have to deal with outside of COVID. This is not to disavow your personal difficulties. It’s just that I struggle to understand what else we can do as a socie…

Still a pandemic, not an endemic. No scientific body has declared we have moved past the pandemic.

Now our health care systems are at the edge of their breaking point, people disregard spreading it through the community. We’re likely hitting another wave soon. Not good.

In the US, we have had a sustained 400-500 dying a day. The 4th leading cause of death, on average. That’s a huge deal for something that didn’t exist a few years ago, but no one cares.

Then there’s an economy that is being hit hard by millions of people with long covid symptoms that can’t work anymore. We don’t have an answer for that yet. But who cares.

But the sad part is I think you’re probably right. At least in the US, we are rugged individualists. Public health takes a back seat to that, because it would mean changing one’s one behavior for the good of many. So yeah, what else is there to do as a society.

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