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Write a note to your spouse every day

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Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#101

Post by watwut »

throw03172019 wrote: post #92
the_gipsy wrote: post #29

> I’m a husband who is 30. I also have 4 kids, ages 6 and under. I’m the sole-provider for the family (though my wife works harder). Between the job, the kids, and extrafamilial obligations, there’s not a lot of time for communication with my wife. We’re on the go from sun-up to sun-down, and at the end of the day we drop into bed exhausted to get just enough sleep for the next day. Very often in the past, a week or…

Now imagine doing that with two minimum wage jobs. That is true hell.

That is impossible. Kids this small require childcare and minimum vage job does not pay for one. With such small salaries, one of them has to be home.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#102

Post by rock_artist »

This is interesting read/advice.

Yet, what I've really missed is the spouse feedback.

The writing focused on "his" expectations and "his" conclusions.

I'm not underestimating this.

Though it would be nice to write this as a duo or share a separate post by your spouse.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#103

Post by watwut »

Gigachad wrote: post #66
zwirbl wrote: post #50

Earlier quoted context omitted.

What's bad about divorce laws? People's view on divorce and divorce laws of the past seems to be much more awful

Being in a relationship opens yourself up to a huge amount of financial risk which can last a very long time after the breakup/divorce. In most countries you are exposed to this risk even if you don't marry as you automatically enter a de facto which is pretty legally similar to a full marriage. This all made sense when you had a man working and a woman at home looking after the house and kids, but in a modern societ…

Employed spouses don't get alimony. There can be child support. Even where alimony exists, they tend to be time limited and awarded only when marriage was long.

The alimony issue happens when you look for stay at home wife have stay at home wife for yours and that marriage breaks. Incidentally, those women tend to be more afraid to leave even if marriage is bad while employed women are more likely to initiate divorce - cause they are more confident of their ability to be single.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#104

Post by irrational »

marriedforever wrote: post #24
xupybd wrote: post #19

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Marriage takes work, lots of work. The reward in my experience is totally worth it. You have to lay down part of your life for the new life that you experience with your spouse and children. The individual you once were is now part of a family and no longer exists as an individual. You serve your family and they serve you back. For me the amount I give of myself is much less than I receive back from the marriage / fa…

> The reward in my experience is totally worth it. What is the reward?

You've never had a best friend?

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#105

Post by erfgh »

the_gipsy wrote: post #29

> I’m a husband who is 30. I also have 4 kids, ages 6 and under. I’m the sole-provider for the family (though my wife works harder). Between the job, the kids, and extrafamilial obligations, there’s not a lot of time for communication with my wife. We’re on the go from sun-up to sun-down, and at the end of the day we drop into bed exhausted to get just enough sleep for the next day. Very often in the past, a week or…

I have two kids under 6 and while it was very hard for about a year or so I realized that I am a lot happier than I was before I had kids, even though I do an order of magnitude more chores. Then I realized that this is the reason I am happier --- I work; and I don't mean I work for an employer, I work for my family, my children, my house. This is what makes me happy.

There is an ancient Greek saying: Not working is the root of all evil.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#106

Post by exitb »

skrebbel wrote: post #83
NotTameAntelope wrote: post #23

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Eh, it doesn’t feel like work for me. I really enjoy my partner, she enjoys me, and I don’t think we have to do very much “work” to maintain that. If I started writing literal daily notes to my wife, she’d be very concerned something was wrong. Then she’d ask why I’m wasting my time writing a note when I could have done… literally annoying else more productive lol

No kids I take it?

These are separate things, I suppose. One can live a very challenging life, including the usual (or unusual...) kids trouble, and still find comfort in the relationship with their spouse.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#108

Post by irrational »

zwirbl wrote: post #79
lbrito wrote: post #62

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yes, needless to say an unmarried couple is not what I was referring to. I'm saying that for a long time people have known that not everyone is cut out for marriage, and that it has never really been seen as "the only path". I don't understand your other remarks.

So it's "the only path" if in a relationship, with the alternatives being living in sin or not having a relationship. That is really very traditional Catholicism

I think they may be referring to the celibate life of a priest/monk/nun. Maybe.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#109

Post by bergenty »

cleandreams wrote: post #49

Wow, so much negativity. I think this is great advice. The key is being genuine and appreciative. Take care of your neediness in other ways. If you don't know how to listen, writing lots of notes can be just another way of monopolizing the conversation. Use the note as a way to maintain the intimacy you already have. Ps my marriage lasted happily for 37 years until the untimely death of my beloved wife.

I guess I just don’t care about any of this. I can tell if my wife (or girlfriend) loves me or not based on body language and actions. These sorts of things have no significance to me, words mean very little. I’m all about action— body language, your tone when speaking, a respectful demeanor, being gracious and pleasant, smiling a lot, keeping the peace - are the only things that matter in my opinion.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#110

Post by irrational »

0x008 wrote: post #44

Is it just me or does anybody else think having to “do” something to want to talk to each other is weird? I feel like the trust between these two was very broken at this point. Usually when both parties have a healthy emotional well being and they like each other (and have kids also, so they have a lot in common I guess?) it would only be normal to want to talk with each other. Looks more like a symptom of fatigue or…

OP didn't say they don't want to talk to their spouse and I definitely didn't read anything here that suggested broken trust, emotional discomfort, etc. Maybe you are reading your own experiences into this? They were clearly saying that their life was happy, but extremely busy, so writing is a way to connect when they aren't able to do so in person as often as they would like.
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