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Thank HN: Five months ago, I was feeling like a loser, now I am opposite

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Re: Thank HN: Five months ago, I was feeling like a loser, now I am opposite

#101

Post by s1artibartfast »

em-bee wrote: post #95
s1artibartfast wrote: post #90

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Why do you continually assume they don't talk with their partner??? You seem stuck on this point

sorry, i read your post to fast, and missed the part where you say that the wife may have suggested to ask here. the reason i am stuck on this is because from my experience and from what marriage counselors have told me, the majority of relationship problems come from lack of communication. OP considering divorce doesn't sound like there was any sensible communication between them at the time.

Thank you for rereading and for sharing.

My experience differs. In my experience, multiple marriage and personal counselors have been very clear that there are personal problems and relationship problems. Personal problems can cause relationship problems, and often times a spouse can only lend support as individuals work through their personal problem.

It can be unhealthy and destructive to expect your spouse or relationship to solve a personal problem.

People can have other types of problems besides relationship problems.

Re: Thank HN: Five months ago, I was feeling like a loser, now I am opposite

#102

Post by philliphaydon »

brailsafe wrote: post #46
philliphaydon wrote: post #40

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I would rather get paid less and enjoy my job than wake and not want to get out of bed. But that’s just me. Only live once so want to enjoy life.

It's easier to make that decision if you've already made a bunch of money. Pretty hard to do that if you have no money.

So I’ve worked ~18 years and never at a stupidly high salary in the US.

Re: Thank HN: Five months ago, I was feeling like a loser, now I am opposite

#103

Post by TedDoesntTalk »

uoaei wrote: post #98
TedDoesntTalk wrote: post #94

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Someone else can’t make you feel happy with your career Someone else can’t make you happy.

But they can sure as hell make you unhappy! And it's up to you to keep that in mind.

Why would they be able to make you unhappy but not be able to make you happy? How can they affect one but not both?

Re: Thank HN: Five months ago, I was feeling like a loser, now I am opposite

#104

Post by ac2022 »

sacrosancty wrote: post #19

Just a suggestion, but if your relationship with your wife depends on your personal circumstances and mood, then it sounds not very strong. Might be worth taking advantage of this good period to do some relationship strengthening exercises while you can so that when the next downturn happens, you can both understand each other's and your own feelings better. I'm not talking about random activities like going to the b…

Thanks, we are.

But I highly doubt there are many people who can prevent their internal mental state from affecting their relationships.

I was not able to see her point of view when I felt like a loser. Once I decided that I will get a new job, we were better able to communicate and figure out our next steps.

Re: Thank HN: Five months ago, I was feeling like a loser, now I am opposite

#105

Post by dcow »

s1artibartfast wrote: post #89
dcow wrote: post #71

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Considering how grateful OP is for the advice shared by the community here previously, my impression is they're open to the continued advice. It's hardly unsolicited. I don't consider it rude when people are trying to be genuinely helpful. If you consider that rude you might be overly sensitive yourself and missing the bigger context. It's not happening here, but: I really really don't understand people who get offen…

In not especially offended, but it does rub me the wrong way when people make negative assumptions about others, then offer their advice. To me it comes off as condescension, not actually help. If they wanted to help or cared, they would seek to understand first. Unsolicited and more importantly uninformed advice shows a disregard for the recipient. It reminds me of legal advice threads where people give terrible adv…

> For my part, I want to use that freedom to tell people that it is unproductive and generally considered rude to make unsolicited, uncharitable, and uninformed assumptions about the marriages of others. Moreso, because I think are giving out factually bad advice.

Perhaps you should respond to the factually bad parts, because that's actually debatable. Leading with "that's rude" is a personal sentiment and all it takes to rebut that is a "no, it's really not".

Re: Thank HN: Five months ago, I was feeling like a loser, now I am opposite

#106

Post by ac2022 »

qzw wrote: post #18

Congrats on fixing the job issue. Now that times are better, might want to consider working on improving communications with the wife, so that the next time you go through a rough patch it won't go as far as divorce.

Thank you and yes we are working on it.

BTW I thought about divorce but never said that word to my wife. Those thoughts luckily were very brief.

Re: Thank HN: Five months ago, I was feeling like a loser, now I am opposite

#107

Post by ac2022 »

UncleEntity wrote: post #51

So… did your wife get the big house she wanted?

Sort of, yes. We have signed the contract and should be closing in the fall :)

The house is a bit more expensive than I would like but we can afford it. And we could have afford it before too, but I probably subconsciously thought that I don't deserve it.

Re: Thank HN: Five months ago, I was feeling like a loser, now I am opposite

#109

Post by ac2022 »

pavlov wrote: post #22
thecleaner wrote: post #6

Hey congratulations ! Keep at the Leetcode thing though. You already turned your situation but why not go for another thing in your arsenal ?

From the OP: “spent all my free time doing LeetCode. [..] LeetCode was hard and pointless” For someone recovering from burnout, it doesn’t seem a good idea to recommend that they return to an activity that felt pointless.

True, I have taken break from LeetCode but not for too long. I will probably restart it in couple of weeks. Going forward, I always want to be interview ready.

Re: Thank HN: Five months ago, I was feeling like a loser, now I am opposite

#110

Post by deebosong »

theGeatZhopa wrote: post #41
_carbyau_ wrote: post #31

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Lines you won't see on a gravestone: "I wish I had worked more." "I wish I had a less meaningful relationship with my wife."

… I wish I was little bit taller I wish I was a baller I wish I had a girl who looked good, I would call her I wish I had a rabbit in a hat with a bat, And a six four Impala

I wish I was like, six foot nine

So I can get with Leoshi

She don't know me

but yo she's really fine...

You know I see her all the time everywhere I go

but even in my dreams I can scheme my way to make her mine...

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