Tell HN: Turned 44 today and I'm lost • Hacker News Board

Re: Tell HN: Turned 44 today and I'm lost

#101

Post by vl » Thu, Apr 14, 2022, 5:02 PM UTC

It’s just a burnout, happens to everyone with the same career.

You need to take time off (just pay for health insurance) and concentrate on health and sport, sleep, hobbies and other not-work-related projects that were lucking due to demand of work. You will fill better very quickly, and maybe will have desire to work again in two-three years. You will know when it comes - you will be excited about some new project. For now concentrate on essentials ^^^.

(I’m at the end of my burnout cycle, so it gets way better eventually)

Re: Tell HN: Turned 44 today and I'm lost

#102

Post by user_7832 » Thu, Apr 14, 2022, 5:02 PM UTC

miltonlaxer wrote: post #51

I spent too many years ruthlessly perusing my career and passion for coding. Sure, I have a bunch of a money and my dream job but now what? I spent the last 8 years with a girl that I was certain I was going to marry. She cheated on me last month and I hit rock bottom. I didn't want to code anymore, I didn't even want to play games or get out of bed. I started working out, eating healthy, and improving myself however…

> Oh and I wouldn't touch Ketamine... Go trip on acid or do some ecstasy...

Uhh, I wouldn't recommend any of those substances that casually, especially if someone's not mentally at a good state. ESPECIALLY ecstasy - it can easily be neurotoxic if you don't know what you're doing, and leave you with permanent brain damage or death.

Also quick addendum - I'm not at all saying that these substances can't be amazing and helpful in the right situation... That last part is key. If you are well aware of the various risks (hyperthermia leading to death, serotonin syndrome due to interactions with SSRIs/MAOIs, "Suicide Tuesdays") etc then you may be better read and aware, but if these terms are foreign then please don't try such "hard" substances (MDMA is a stimulant after all).

Oh, and all this is not accounting for the risk of getting car/fentanyl cut in your tablet.

Re: Tell HN: Turned 44 today and I'm lost

#103

Post by newaccount2021 » Thu, Apr 14, 2022, 5:02 PM UTC

_Microft wrote: post #83

troglodynellc wrote: post #27

Drop the therapy and start lifting weights. I'm not kidding. If the problem is that you feel things are gonna be a slow decline from here, then fight it . Make that your new goal, even if you know it to be a losing battle. It will focus your mind on demonstrable milestones like hitting new deadlift personal best. Even if you do something else, at the very least recognize that you've gotten to the point where you don'…

> Drop the therapy NEVER, EVER, suggest dropping therapy to someone with depression.

No post body was provided.

Re: Tell HN: Turned 44 today and I'm lost

#104

Post by thaumaturgy » Thu, Apr 14, 2022, 5:02 PM UTC

Wow, we're about the same age, but by most metrics, you've been so much more successful than I have.

FWIW I've long believed that many people should progress into a mentoring role at some point in their life. I've had that role several times in several different niches, and I love it, and it's extremely fulfilling. You could easily spend 20 years helping to raise and influence future generations.

If you aren't finding a suitable mentoring opportunity at your current role, I'd recommend looking at volunteer organizations. It can take a while to find a good fit, so don't give up if the first one doesn't work out for whatever reason. But, in general, I've found volunteer organizations to be full of passionate, youthful (if not young) people who are really energizing to be around. I ended up volunteering a lot with search and rescue because it fit well with my other interests, but there are myriad volunteer organizations looking for good people from all kinds of backgrounds.

Re: Tell HN: Turned 44 today and I'm lost

#105

Post by bumby » Thu, Apr 14, 2022, 5:02 PM UTC

I have found that when I feel lost, it's usually an indicator that I'm missing one leg of a three-legged stool:

1) Mastery: I need some skill that I feel like I can work at and improve; ideally at a level just at the edge of my competence to continually stretch myself

2) Autonomy: I need to feel like I have the ability to direct my efforts to a certain degree. With your financial resources, I would think you have this one covered.

3) Purpose: The work needs to provide meaning and align with my personal values.

Note that these don't need to be defined by a vocation. I personally don't think there's anything wrong with using a vocation to fund whatever activity/activities meet the above. Ironically, that helps give even a dead-end job some purpose.

Re: Tell HN: Turned 44 today and I'm lost

#106

Post by ProAm » Thu, Apr 14, 2022, 5:02 PM UTC

Do you volunteer at all? Teach or coach? It's time to start helping others, service and time is not only extremely rewarding, its always challenging as for there are always new people that learn in different ways. You've achieved and mastered business, time to climb a new mountain.

Re: Tell HN: Turned 44 today and I'm lost

#107

Post by candiddevmike » Thu, Apr 14, 2022, 5:02 PM UTC

wnolens wrote: post #44

Turned 34 today and feel similar, minus a loving partner and millions in the bank. The only way I keep going is to keep an intellectual and creative pursuit at all times. Currently I'm trying to build a deep understanding of public healthcare system since it's relevant to my life experience, and also learning a new instrument. That seems to get my mind on more important things than how I feel. Otherwise I just try to…

I hit 34 recently too, if you ever want to talk about pursuits and interests outside of of $DAYJOB hit me up. I'm trying to rediscover the ancient art of pen pals in the age of social media.

Re: Tell HN: Turned 44 today and I'm lost

#108

Post by throwawayboise » Thu, Apr 14, 2022, 5:02 PM UTC

howmayiannoyyou wrote: post #28

Not reading that you have kids. If not, that can redirect focus off yourself to something more worthy IF you can maintain SOS as a parent: S = Selflessness. 0 = Objectivity. S = Self-awareness. We tend to feel lost when were aren't challenged or we're hyper focused on ourselves. We tend to feel a level of contentment when we are helping/mentoring others, interacting socially in a positive way, or learning. Hope that…

44 is pretty old to start having kids, IMO, and I would not advise having kids as a way to try to fix your own mental health at any age.

Re: Tell HN: Turned 44 today and I'm lost

#109

Post by benlivengood » Thu, Apr 14, 2022, 5:02 PM UTC

I've found a lot of joy in dance. It takes a couple months of lessons to get passably good at it, but the combination of music, human connection, and physical activity is a good combination. I can recommend Contra Dance as a good introduction and it's where I started. Accepting communities willing to invest in new dancers (e.g. actually dancing with newcomers as part of the culture, rather than letting them stand on the sidelines, free lessons before the dance starts, etc.), often live music, good snacks (pre-covid).

Re: Tell HN: Turned 44 today and I'm lost

#110

Post by vvvcccvvv » Thu, Apr 14, 2022, 5:02 PM UTC

troglodynellc wrote: post #27

Drop the therapy and start lifting weights. I'm not kidding. If the problem is that you feel things are gonna be a slow decline from here, then fight it . Make that your new goal, even if you know it to be a losing battle. It will focus your mind on demonstrable milestones like hitting new deadlift personal best. Even if you do something else, at the very least recognize that you've gotten to the point where you don'…

No no no. Never tell someone you do not know to stop going to therapy. Please be careful