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Ask HN: Why is machine learning easier to learn than basic social skills?

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101–110 of 182 posts

Re: Ask HN: Why is machine learning easier to learn than basic social skills?

#101
> It's like everyone else has a degree in all these unwritten rules that I'm just supposed to know.

They do. While you were learning whatever you spent the last 18 years learning, they were learning the social hierarchy game. Most people, even here, don’t like breaking the taboo of acknowledging that we’re an hierarchical species, which is why there are so many seemingly unwritten rules. Robert Cialdini and Robert Greene are a couple good authors to look at. The latter basically makes his living writing down unwritten rules.

My guess is you don’t have much of a problem getting along with other young men who share your interests. I’m probably wrong, but I’m hearing “how do I get a girlfriend?” That’s a complex subject and many books have been written on the subject going back millennia[1]. As with most everything, one good way to learn is to make friends with someone who is successful at it and watch and learn. Essentially it boils down to practicing the art of persuasion, which assuredly can be learned. Practice, practice, practice. Learn to thrive on rejection and take it with a grin.

Oh, and don’t be annoying. Learn the social cues people give for annoyance and the moment you see them stop whatever annoying thing you were doing. If your mere presence is annoying then as others have suggested, work on your hygiene and appearance first.

[1] http://faculty.sgc.edu/rkelley/ars%20amatoria.pdf

Re: Ask HN: Why is machine learning easier to learn than basic social skills?

#103
It is not, for most people. If you are autistic, have Asperger's syndrome like Elon Musk, or have other mental issues, then no matter how much you work, you will be always subpar compared to others on this area, but probably are much better on other areas like research.

I don't like talking about "social skills" because it looks like having friends is an academic matter or something. It is not, it is about letting yourself go around people you trust not about writing down what to say or do.

Most people in the US don't have friends by the way. When you are used to places like Spain, Italy or Africa it shocks you how isolated and individualistic they are living alone without public places so they don't really need to interact with anyone. They take their cars and drive from home to work.

They have an average of 0.5 friends per person or something like that so if you want to learn having more friends you could change your environment for something that forces you to interact with lots of people for a while.

Re: Ask HN: Why is machine learning easier to learn than basic social skills?

#104
The book/audiobook “How to win friends and influence people” while it has a title I don’t like is actually a guide for solving your exact issue and is especially useful for people that tend to gravitate to tech.

I’m self taught and spent many years agoraphobic as a teen so it was really helpful to get the basics and understand the mechanics.

A few startups in and just putting myself in social situations it started to feel a lot more natural and understandable.

I think a lot of social things really clicked around 4 years ago went I went into management and got to see both sides of lots of things and just really dig in with people and have them open up about the challenges they’re facing.

Also just getting to late twenties and now mid thirties and having always been open about the social things I don’t understand in the movement I can feel normal in most social situations.

With that said though, while happily married for 6 years, I still only hang out with friends a handfull of times a year and most of my social life the last 10 has been whatever social things the startup made possible from taco tuesdays to lunch time chat and off sites and slack and video games and coffee runs at the office.

Tldr: - some things can be understood but not directly related to - some things take time (years) to internalize but will come with time and practice - other things are just part of who you are and just embrace it and be open about it. You’d be surprised how many other people relate to different facets of social quirkiness even if they appear normal on the surface.

Re: Ask HN: Why is machine learning easier to learn than basic social skills?

#107
post #79

You know bud, if you’re interested, let’s be hackers and hack this social skill test. Can you give me a specific situation (or several) where you feel your social skills are lacking?? Let’s start off by testing your theory. I’m old enough to have known a lot of really wonderful people who think their social skills suck when they actually don’t - they’re just interested in completely different, non typical things. Fro…

> Instead, try approaching people who are speaking in groups of two.

I would advise to check body language first. If the duo are facing each other head-on, don't interject. If they're turned slightly outwards, like they're observing the crowd whilst talking, go for it.

I've had a couple of intense conversations broken up like this by someone standing there awkwardly, but then you also don't want to make them feel bad by telling your conversation partner "I'll finish the story later Hi!", etc.

Re: Ask HN: Why is machine learning easier to learn than basic social skills?

#108
post #104

The book/audiobook “How to win friends and influence people” while it has a title I don’t like is actually a guide for solving your exact issue and is especially useful for people that tend to gravitate to tech. I’m self taught and spent many years agoraphobic as a teen so it was really helpful to get the basics and understand the mechanics. A few startups in and just putting myself in social situations it started to…

Also pro tip: Find a partner who’s an extrovert and has natural social abilities. It’s made things a lot easier and pushed me out of my comfort zone socially in ways that made my life a lot better and more interesting.

Reading through the other replies it looks like a lot of people diagnosing neurodivergence. Maybe that’s true, I guess I might be on the spectrum somewhere if I think about it, but I’m not sure knowing that really helps in any practical for solving for just social misunderstanding.

Lean into situations, don’t be afraid to make mistakes, make light of it and be open and people will gravitate to it and help get by.

But also remember the goal is to find what you like and live like that, while being able to get by in a world designed for social butterflies and extroverts.

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