I reject the premise that any communication can be "violent". If someone's conversation manual begins with the expansion of violence to cover speech, the philosophy behind this manual is likely so alien to me that I won't get anything out of it. I favor direct and specific communication that doesn't obfuscate or insult anyone's intelligence.
Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication
101–110 of 355 posts
Re: Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication
#102Nonviolent communication comes up on HN every few months and it's always the same praises and criticisms. I've been on the receiving end of NVC quite a few times in my career, and every single time it comes off as patronizing bullshit. I'd rather people yell at me than couch everything in, "I feel X" or "Would you be willing to Y". When important things must be done well, do you think this sort of language is used? O…
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Re: Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication
#103Nonviolent communication comes up on HN every few months and it's always the same praises and criticisms. I've been on the receiving end of NVC quite a few times in my career, and every single time it comes off as patronizing bullshit. I'd rather people yell at me than couch everything in, "I feel X" or "Would you be willing to Y". When important things must be done well, do you think this sort of language is used? O…
As a math student considering a teaching career, I recently took a course on math education taught by a retired high school math teacher. One of the things she placed a heavy emphasis on was our questioning techniques and classroom management strategies. Every single one of the non-violent communication strategies you listed from the article were specifically singled out as things we should never say when asking ques…
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Re: Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication
#104the requests all sound very passive aggressive to me. eg, “ would you be willing to only eat the food that you buy?”
I get the feeling you really need to know about the folks you are talking to if you intend to use that phrasing. The oddity of that sentence probably would escalate any situation far beyond just saying: "Don't eat the food that isn't yours" with certain groups of people. I lived in one place that the indirectness would be seen as weakness and not respected at all.
^I echo this sentiment. Someone coming into my work culture with NVC would get politely dismissed in public, and absolutely SAVAGED behind closed doors.
Re: Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication
#105Nonviolent communication comes up on HN every few months and it's always the same praises and criticisms. I've been on the receiving end of NVC quite a few times in my career, and every single time it comes off as patronizing bullshit. I'd rather people yell at me than couch everything in, "I feel X" or "Would you be willing to Y". When important things must be done well, do you think this sort of language is used? O…
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Re: Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication
#106Nonviolent communication comes up on HN every few months and it's always the same praises and criticisms. I've been on the receiving end of NVC quite a few times in my career, and every single time it comes off as patronizing bullshit. I'd rather people yell at me than couch everything in, "I feel X" or "Would you be willing to Y". When important things must be done well, do you think this sort of language is used? O…
> Brilliant marketing move though, calling it "nonviolent communication", implying that any other form of communication is violent.
On one hand, effective marketing, on the other hand, extreme irony.
Re: Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication
#107Huh, my fiancée and I developed a system years ago that approximates this approach by replacing statements with what we call “food codes”. For example: “Applesauce” is equivalent to “I can’t hear you”, or “speak up” or “stop mumbling”. “Applesauce Factory” means “I can’t hear you because you are too far away or something noisy is making it hard to hear you” - very convenient verbal shorthand for when it’s too noisy t…
Fantastic! I'm so happy that's working for you.
One of things that's missing in this is that the parties involved actually intend to work together. As is clear from the various threads of discussion to this post, people react based on their underlying (dis)trust of the intent of the other party. That's why this is experienced by many folks emotionally as "passive-aggressive" manipulation.
Re: Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication
#108If you're in software development, especially on a development team, these ideas about nonviolent communication (NVC) may be able to help you and your team. The approach is: observe facts -> note feelings -> uncover desires -> make requests. For software development, I recommend a NVC approach called "Crucial Conversations". I summarize it on my repo. https://github.com/joelparkerhenderson/crucial_conversations
This book is amazing, it changed my perspective on communication completely when I first read it.
Re: Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication
#109Nonviolent communication comes up on HN every few months and it's always the same praises and criticisms. I've been on the receiving end of NVC quite a few times in my career, and every single time it comes off as patronizing bullshit. I'd rather people yell at me than couch everything in, "I feel X" or "Would you be willing to Y". When important things must be done well, do you think this sort of language is used? O…
It's possible that if you're talking to someone who's really good at NVC, it might not register as NVC at all. There might be a selection effect here. (Though I guess I could also be pulling a "no true Scotsman".)
Re: Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication
#110Kevin Hale, at startupschool 2019, spoke in length on How to Work Together [0]. Key points aside from non-violent communication were, everyone fights, but when you fight, stay away from these four horsemen [1]: 1. Criticism : Involves bringing in variety or unrelated issues to the discussion / argument. Focus on the one thing that needs resolution. 2. Contempt : Argumentum ad hominem. Intention to insult, making thin…
These are, like NVC, tools to help when people are generally intending to work together. I.e., it presumes non-toxic participation.
Alas, in, for example, big company "politics" manipulating the system to further oneself typically subverts such processes and creates broken/toxic cultures.