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Married to someone with anxiety

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Re: Married to someone with anxiety

#101

Post by maxxxxx »

jacalata wrote: post #88
draw_down wrote: post #74

God bless you both but I could never do this. Life is hard enough without your partner making things that should be easy difficult. I was with someone like this for years in my 20s and it eventually became unbearable. At some level, "I have anxiety" starts to feel like an excuse, not that the person can control it exactly, but we all have the ability to tell which of the thoughts occur to us are good ones worth liste…

> Life is hard enough without your partner making things that should be easy difficult. Would you make the same argument about a partner with cancer, or Alzheimer's, or multiple sclerosis?

I think we should allow people to express that living with somebody who has serious problems is very hard.

Re: Married to someone with anxiety

#102

Post by afro88 »

sp00ls wrote: post #75
benibela wrote: post #36

I have holes in a few of my clothes. Today I went to a shop selling needles/yarn/wool/.., so I could fix them. I arrived at the shop, was too anxious to enter and left again. Guess the holes will have to stay.

I have done something similar. Go to the mall because I need clothes, walk in the door, do a lap around the store, walk out and go home. I know it is ridiculous but in my head it just feels like everyone is watching me, judging me based on what I am looking at. So I just don't even look at anything. I know that isn't true when I'm sitting at home but the second I arrive the anxiety kicks into high gear. It is very fr…

It gets easier. But unfortunately it's not just a matter of putting yourself in the situations more (you'll just get accustomed to how you feel so it won't get you down as much, but you'll still feel anxious and leave).

2 things helped me a lot: mindfulness (I read "A New Earth", YMMV) and the book "Learned Optimism". I can't recommend that book enough. Doesn't sound like it has anything to do with anxiety, but it really does. Anxiety can come from a pessimistic outlook - the stories you make up for the things that go on around you that you don't have all the information on. For example, you say "it just feels like everyone is watching me". This most likely triggers thoughts like "everyone thinks I'm uncool" or "I must look so out of place" or "I'm so unattractive" etc. which makes you anxious about staying there, so you leave. And there begins the spiral or rabbit hole to debilitating anxiety, depression or feelings of worthlessness.

"Learned Optimism" is all about changing the stories you tell yourself about these situations, to nip those thoughts in the bud. There's a definite pattern to them, and it can be broken quite easily. I won't do it justice to try and explain it here, it's really best to read the book from the start and let it do the talking. Oh and check out this out: https://github.com/raganwald/presentations/blob/master/optim...

Re: Married to someone with anxiety

#103

Post by sp00ls »

afro88 wrote: post #102
sp00ls wrote: post #75

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I have done something similar. Go to the mall because I need clothes, walk in the door, do a lap around the store, walk out and go home. I know it is ridiculous but in my head it just feels like everyone is watching me, judging me based on what I am looking at. So I just don't even look at anything. I know that isn't true when I'm sitting at home but the second I arrive the anxiety kicks into high gear. It is very fr…

It gets easier. But unfortunately it's not just a matter of putting yourself in the situations more (you'll just get accustomed to how you feel so it won't get you down as much, but you'll still feel anxious and leave). 2 things helped me a lot: mindfulness (I read "A New Earth", YMMV) and the book "Learned Optimism". I can't recommend that book enough. Doesn't sound like it has anything to do with anxiety, but it re…

I think you hit the nail on the head about the outlook and made up stories stuff. Those do sound almost exactly like what I experience. Thank you for the comment, I'll check out the suggestions you made.

Re: Married to someone with anxiety

#104

Post by jacalata »

maxxxxx wrote: post #101
jacalata wrote: post #88

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Life is hard enough without your partner making things that should be easy difficult. Would you make the same argument about a partner with cancer, or Alzheimer's, or multiple sclerosis?

I think we should allow people to express that living with somebody who has serious problems is very hard.

Sure. I'm curious if he would extrapolate from his experience with mental illness to physical illness. I have a friend with cancer now and it is very very hard work for his partner.

Re: Married to someone with anxiety

#105

Post by benibela »

sp00ls wrote: post #75
benibela wrote: post #36

I have holes in a few of my clothes. Today I went to a shop selling needles/yarn/wool/.., so I could fix them. I arrived at the shop, was too anxious to enter and left again. Guess the holes will have to stay.

I have done something similar. Go to the mall because I need clothes, walk in the door, do a lap around the store, walk out and go home. I know it is ridiculous but in my head it just feels like everyone is watching me, judging me based on what I am looking at. So I just don't even look at anything. I know that isn't true when I'm sitting at home but the second I arrive the anxiety kicks into high gear. It is very fr…

On the other hand, I would have a hard time leaving the shop without buying something.

They might think you want to steal something and watch you closely. That makes it even more stressful

Re: Married to someone with anxiety

#106

Post by washadjeffmad »

Sgt_Apone wrote: post #56
brookside wrote: post #12

Earlier quoted context omitted.

But a depressed person often is a negative person, and moods can spread. Think about working for a boss who is miserable and passes that feeling down onto people who work for her. If that boss goes to to a psychiatrist/therapist because she is having trouble getting along with the people in her life, that psychiatrist/therapist will likely say she depressed, never diagnose her as being a "negative person" which is al…

>But a depressed person often is a negative person, and moods can spread. That's pretty stereotypical. The happiest people on the outside can hide some pretty dark clouds on the inside; especially in a work environment where outward appearances are important. In fact, I would suggest that the majority that are depressed don't show any outwards signs to working colleagues.

I'm in the Robin Williams category of depressives. I know how desperate and tiring it is fighting off those causeless bouts, and so I try to make life as enriching as I can for people around me.

It's my way of compensating for every relentless, hammering, baseless urge to die that I've survived alone over the years. It took a long time for me to get that people don't typically understand that it's more like hiding that you have cancer than not being able to cheer up. You can hide the symptoms of both, you don't ask for either of them, and they might both kill you, but somehow you're responsible when you get depression but not cancer.

Re: Married to someone with anxiety

#107

Post by b1tr0t »

OK - I'll bite. I haven't seen anyone mention medications here but personally I use propranolol.

Life. Changing.

For the first while I took it every day as prescribed for my ET. 20mg. And as I experienced the first pill (effects kick in about 40 minutes after), I had this realization "wait a minute, this is what it must feel like to be a normal person"! That light bulb in itself was incredible. Before that, I hadn't realized life could feel that good. I'd always wondered how people could do the things they could do ... and suddenly I didn't just realize but got to experience what it was like to be someone who DIDN'T have constant anxiety.

I cut back my dosage looking for minimum effective dose. Most days for me it's 0 (that's right, I don't take anymore on most days). My anxiety level has decreased because now I know -what it feels like not to be anxious-, plus, if I do feel anxious I have a solution at hand which lowers anxiety.

For a particularly stressful day I might take 5mg. (For me now a particularly stressful day means standing in front of a room of hundreds of people and presenting after 2 hours sleep.) At these infrequent low dosages, I don't experience any negative side-effects.

Worth sharing general personal details. I'm a 37 year old male in reasonably good health, I exercise vigorously twice a week and get a healthy amount of walking and biking in almost every day. I discovered propranolol by accident - it was prescribed for an essential tremor (ET), it was only after that I discovered the "off-label" anti-anxiety side-effects of beta blockers.

It's worth mentioning that I did experience negative side-effects when I was taking 20mg daily. If you can avoid taking it daily, that's going to be better for you in the long run.

* Reduced sex drive * Life just seems more "flat" I don't laugh as much, get as giddy. My partner described me as seeming "disconnected". * Cold limbs & numb tongue

Re: Married to someone with anxiety

#108

Post by [deleted] »

freehunter wrote: post #91
valuablevalve wrote: post #61

After a 10 year fight induced from stress, I can positively say that I'm free from it, just reading a page like this would have floored me 5 years ago. Some stuff I learned: - Stop* with coffee, for some reason tea does not the same thing to my body, coffee is like gasoline on the anxiety fire, I cant stress this point enough. - Stop* with nicotine, (almost) same as coffee - Stop* drinking, you need to stay strong 7…

>Start walking, at least 8km... dont walk when its dark outside, you need the sunlight. An 8km walk at a brisk walking pace is a little under an hour and a half (average 10k running times is about an hour). I get out of work at 5pm, and it's officially dark by 5:30pm. I agree with a lot of what you're saying, but this one is literally impossible for anyone in the northern latitudes (New York, Chicago, Seattle, London…

[deleted]

Re: Married to someone with anxiety

#109

Post by graycat »

everyone wrote: post #96

Social anxiety seems to be really common for anxious people. I'm quite anxious, but I have no social anxiety. I have medical anxiety, like hypochondria. I was able to fix this by being really logical about it. Ie. if I was anxious I was having a stroke or something I would list the symptoms (fainting, paralysis, blurred vision, extreme nausea etc.) and tick off the ones I had (I invariably didnt have any of them, so…

Fine, except when you do actually get some symptoms for some serious medical problem, it gets important to get to an appropriate physician who usually, easily can do a much more accurate diagnosis.

E.g., as a child I had middle ear infections from congestion. So, recently I had some congestion and wondered if I was on the way to an ear infection. Okay, on a visit to a general practice physician for something else, I mentioned the ear issue, and right away the physician (A) too my temperature and (B) looked into my ear. Fast diagnosis: I was fine.

And an appropriate physician has a huge list of much more powerful diagnostic tests.

Net: If you have some symptoms at the level of loss of sleep, lack of appetite, tired feeling, sore joint, etc., don't worry and, instead, go to an appropriate physician and get checked out.

If you still worry, then take notes with dates and continue monitoring and checking until get some resolution. The continuing notes may help you and/or the physician.

Re: Married to someone with anxiety

#110

Post by alexashka »

rublev wrote: post #31
alexashka wrote: post #23

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Everyone adjusts to somebody else - it's not gross at all :) That's just every human relationship I've ever heard of. It sounds like you're inside your head a lot - I'd suggest finding extremely simple activities you enjoy - like going for a walk 2x/day. When you don't walk around outside and get some sun - you won't feel so good. I've relatively recently moved from a busy downtown corner to a quiet place by a huge p…

Yeah man thanks. >People talk to other people because they're bored, you don't have to be good at anything to have someone pass the time by talking to you. That's difficult to believe because it doesn't match up to my reality. I usually find I don't have much to talk to anyone about unless we're doing something like making music or exercising or whatever, which is impossible in my current state. I agree about the sun…

Sounds like this is a temporary hurdle for you - the living arrangement you have.

Regarding not having much to talk about - the more you are in your head, the more true this is :)

Conversations can be about information exchange, and that's where your current comfort level is it sounds like - because it's head-heavy.

There's another way of relating, which's emotion-based - but then if you're a dark cloud of 'life sucks', then of course you stick to intellectual conversations.

Most people put up an emotional wall but you don't have to - a buddy I know went to Japan for a few months, he came back a different person. Not only did he get out of his head while he was there, but now he had an intellectual topic to chat with strangers about - travelling and japan. It got him started on a path toward being able to relate emotionally.

The intellectual stuff gets old - the emotional keeps on giving. My path was making friends with a dude who liked to go out and have a drink, I found that once I got out of the house at least once a week, within a few months I had experiences to talk about, the 'hey have you been to X? My buddy's thinking of doing Y' - it snowballs, but you need to do a little work on yourself and your self esteem, to realize people gravitate towards positive energy and novel experiences - you do too, once you let go of some of the negative barriers you have.

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