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The Surprisingly Large Cost of Telling Small Lies

boss.blogs.nytimes.com

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Re: The Surprisingly Large Cost of Telling Small Lies

#11

Post by agumonkey »

ebiester wrote: post #10
Magi604 wrote: post #5

This reminds me of the idea of Radical Honesty. Here's a good feature on it: http://www.esquire.com/features/honesty0707

I never liked this, because there is a way to tell someone the truth with grace. The canonical example: "Does this make me look fat?" The answer is "That cut doesn't flatter you." It's honest, but it isn't harsh. Further, instead of encouraging vulnerability, it masks vulnerability behind an aggressive facade. I'd prefer Brene Brown's approach to honesty, myself.

I always balance full truth with consequences, no need to claim everything you think is true if it breaks everybody down (unless it's for their own good).

Re: The Surprisingly Large Cost of Telling Small Lies

#12

Post by danieltillett »

The real problem with lying (apart from the obvious moral one) is the risk you might start to actually believe your own lies. Once you can't tell what is true and what is not then you are on track to mess-up big time.

All the times I have been really side-swiped by someone it is when they have told themselves so many lies that they can no longer act in their own best interest.

Re: The Surprisingly Large Cost of Telling Small Lies

#14

Post by danieltillett »

ebiester wrote: post #10
Magi604 wrote: post #5

This reminds me of the idea of Radical Honesty. Here's a good feature on it: http://www.esquire.com/features/honesty0707

I never liked this, because there is a way to tell someone the truth with grace. The canonical example: "Does this make me look fat?" The answer is "That cut doesn't flatter you." It's honest, but it isn't harsh. Further, instead of encouraging vulnerability, it masks vulnerability behind an aggressive facade. I'd prefer Brene Brown's approach to honesty, myself.

Exactly - speak the truth, but don't go out of your way hurt people.

Re: The Surprisingly Large Cost of Telling Small Lies

#16

Post by nnq »

I always thought that lies seem so "costly" (as in brainpower sucking, stress etc.) because I never learned to lie well. And I always thought that instead of teaching my children to be honest I will teach them to lie well from very young age, so that when they have to lie as adults it will take them very little energy and they will do it very well. Training your "lying" muscles just like a professional athlete trains his muscles.

...but this theory of lying being bad because it detaches us from present reality sounds like it has something to it. Or maybe someone with very well trained "lying muscles" can lie a lot and still be 99.9% focused on the present and aware of the real reality?

Re: The Surprisingly Large Cost of Telling Small Lies

#17

Post by girvo »

I cannot agree with this more. I don't know when it was, maybe a few years ago now, that a wise man I met pointed out that brutal, total honesty makes life easier to live for yourself. He was right, overall -- I'm still not 100% perfect, but I took it to heart and tell the truth even when it will hurt me, or is difficult. This has a flow on effect in my life, where I am more motivated to do the right thing from the start: that way, I don't have to lie :)

Re: The Surprisingly Large Cost of Telling Small Lies

#18

Post by bittercynic »

There have been times when I was completely honest and transparent even in the face of short term costs specifically because I knew it would help build my reputation for honesty. I assume I'm not the only one who's done this, so I wouldn't take it as a sign that a person is 100% trustworthy.

On the other hand, a pattern of honesty probably is the best indicator of an honest person.

Re: The Surprisingly Large Cost of Telling Small Lies

#19

Post by cornholio »

girvo wrote: post #17

I cannot agree with this more. I don't know when it was, maybe a few years ago now, that a wise man I met pointed out that brutal, total honesty makes life easier to live for yourself. He was right, overall -- I'm still not 100% perfect, but I took it to heart and tell the truth even when it will hurt me, or is difficult. This has a flow on effect in my life, where I am more motivated to do the right thing from the s…

> total honesty makes life easier to live for yourself

That may all be true, but let's not forget we are talking about a successful life, not an easy one. And I don't expect success to be easy to come by.

The secret to a successful life is to never lie to yourself, to get people to trust you (for example, convincingly claim that you never lie), and then lie them intelligently so that they never figure it out or when they do they can't do anything about it anymore.

This is fiendishly complex trick to pull and requires some sociopathic inclinations, so it should not surprise us that many successful business leaders are indeed sociopaths. We are not talking about famous singers or athletes who succeed based on their talent. In the business world, the talent is convincing people better than the competition and that, unless you have built the perfect company with the perfect product and the perfect employees, requires lying.

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