Why Loneliness Matters in the Social Age

Related but an off-shoot question, people who are "settled down," in your late 20's/30's/40's/50's/60's, have families and various obligations, how do you deal with loneliness?

As someone who is on the precipice of turning 30 (27 currently), speaking strictly for myself - I've found that loneliness for me and my older peers is different from the angst of adolescence a la Holden. Tbh, younger people tend to think in more black and white terms and very ambitious but most haven't gone through the "test" of one's vulnerability and limitation. Unfortunately, we also live in a marketing society that sells products and dreams on the Fear of Missing Out (FOMO) that exploit the impressionable young people (e.g., the "MTV" high school memories with the "Coke" concert experience with friends; the "Ivy League" class room experience, the "Liberal Arts" self-exploration, the "Sexy-Times" with la-femme-de-Zooey Deschanel and "Peter Thiel/Steve Jobs entrepreneur" iconoclasm).

Whereas I was a jack-ass when I was 21, thinking I was special and therefore deserved and expected external tokens of accomplishments at every stage in my life (I was crestfallen at age 21 after being rejected by YC because I couldn't post a smug post on FB to snub all of my classmates and friends; and most importantly, have that as a validation to my insecure self-worth; a loneliness stemming out of FOMO). My loneliness nowadays is more centered around the splintering of between mine and my friends and acquaintances' goals and vision.

Some of my friends are still going at it with early twenties vision of grad school, startups and traveling, albeit with some bruises and splints. Some of my friends have fully "embraced" adulthood, complete with jumbo mortgage loans and X month into pregnancy and parenting books and diapers. Friendships/liasons have changed from one-on-one interaction to couples or single "dating" another couple or single. But most alarmingly, how much less I care and am affected by my peers' ideas and vision because how much I've fully embraced my own vulnerabilities/personality and focused fully to vest on my own ideas.

People who have past their 20's, how do you deal with loneliness? Do you focus on your family or really close friends after twenties, or do you focus on pursuing your own ideas with a community of likely-minded people, or do you come up with some kind of philosophical reconciliation?

A whole lot of what you said resonates with my experience. The whole workplace being the place where you find genuinely honest "friends" seems to be a paradox. But its really true. Socializing on the other hand is a hit and miss thing. Its like random sampling. You may get a bunch of honest friends but a whole lot of the people at gatherings are busy doing their own piece in the grander social dance. On a sidenote, social networks as they exist are flawed. But there are certain micro-interactions out of the realm of a regular social network that sometimes have more meaning. Take for example your comment. Striking the same chord at the least makes me feel its not just me :) I have been lucky enough to have interacted virtually with a bunch of people online (irc,quora, HN) which has turned into fruitful friendships. There is no pressure of constant communication but whenever we interact, it starts from the point where we left last time. Its almost like a breath of fresh air. So i wouldn't outrightly saw virtual interactions are futile. BTW that SMS bit is so true. you hit a nerve there :)

Thank you for the very interesting post. You are quite right that these things are tremendously complicated - after all, as you say, even figuring out a 'normal' amount of happiness people should feel leads one immediately down a dozen philosophical and ethical rabbit holes.

I don't have the logical background to explore this space without a great deal of feeling my way in the dark, and I certainly don't have any medical insight into the matter. But I remain quite mystified by the original article - it seems so clear-cut that, although what the author experienced was feelings of loneliness, they weren't caused by solitude or isolation, and therefore debating whether the modern world causes solitude and isolation is thoroughly beside the point.

Also worth a read is 'A Pattern Language: Towns, Buildings, Construction' if you're interested in an architectural look at how humans might live together better.

I am a bit confused about terms. It seems like the discussion is about two related but separate things.

First, there is lonelyness, the social state. This involves not talking to people, not going to meet new people, and not talking about things you find meaningful with those people. This is a set of actions: it is either done by choice (not a problem) or due to some other underlying problem, like a lack of time/effort, depression, fear of social vulnerability, anxiety, or a lack of interpersonal skills. The reason we call these things underlying is because they represent tangible actions that can be taken by the victim of loneliness or someone else to fix the problem

Then there is loneliness the emotion, which might exist separate of the actual lack of socialization described above... existential loneliness perhaps... but most often is cause by the above.