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Re: undefined

#11

Post by sokoloff »

In a stable and good relationship, my work is dramatically better in quality, even if the quantity of hours spent on work is slightly lower than when I'm single and not bothering to "chase".

During past bad relationships, or phases when I was "racking up a number", my work was definitely impaired.

How did I prevent it? I suppose I didn't, but I mostly just worried about being a decent human being to people I know, and not sweating whether casual sweating was immoral.

Side note: once you get to about 30, I don't think anyone talks in terms of your number, and your ability to find a "quality woman" (itself an error-prone reduction of many dimensions to one) will not be changed by even a few score of scores. I sense that your philosophy may lean towards the Christian from your finding consensual casual sex immoral, so your fitness function for quality woman might be way different from mine, and the women who rate highly over that function might actually care about your "number". IMO, if you're still single at 30, no one ought to shocked that your number is well into double digits.

Re: undefined

#12

Post by neuromanta »

Forming a good relationship is also hacking - it needs creativity, thinking out of the box (with the head of the opposite sex), and it's challenging. It also needs some transcendent, higher thinking, just like every hacking. And it's extremely rewarding. If you can find yourself a real partner, who is not just your sex partner (like I could), it improves your creativity greatly. It makes you feel more balanced, more focused. If you have the right partner for it, who can live together with your habits - and of course, if you take your time to look after the relationship.

Re: undefined

#13

Post by randomwalker »

I've been in a friends-with-benefits situation for the better part of a year. I wasn't the one who suggested it, and I was initially reluctant, but it's been pretty awesome. This is very different from unattached casual sex, mind you. We're very good friends, we care about each other and so forth. But we've been able to keep this up long term with no romantic attachment at all. Technically we're both free to see other people, but since we're both busy and pretty satisfied with the arrangement that hasn't happened I guess.

I agree with another commenter that a relationship would increase your productivity, but it's a little more subtle than that. When you start dating someone, initially it's going to be a huge time sink, but once you get over that hump and you're in a stable relationship it's probably going to leave you better off than being single. But you have to accept that a significant initial effort is needed into building the relationship and also accept the risk of breaking up and having to deal with getting over them, and so on. Nevertheless, I'd rather be in a committed relationship; but if work productivity is the only criterion, my current situation works great.

So here's my "solution": find someone who's as busy with work as you are, and find a way to be in a low-key, long-term relationship. Long-term is important; trying to find someone to sleep with every once in a while is probably the most time-wasting strategy of all. (Never tried it.)

Re: undefined

#14

Post by patrickg-zill »

Welcome to the messy, illogical thing called life. No one has exactly the "right" answer.

I would point out that a good relationship should enhance your life rather than diminish it. Maybe you are dating the wrong kind or pursuing the wrong kind?

Re: undefined

#15

Post by ALee »

Relationships and productivity/creativity are not directly correlated. The amount of time spent in the relationship (much like the time spent with a family) is important because ti decreases the amount of time available to the startup.

Relationships are like startups when they first start out. You need to give it time initially and then spend time to maintain them. It depends on the person, but some people can do fine with a romantic relationship during a startup (many YC companies have that), while others require more high-touch relationships.

My personal opinion is you need to prioritize and find out what matters, and make something work with that in mind.

Re: undefined

#16

Post by adammarkey »

shdon wrote: post #5

The initial phase of being in love or going through a breakup, I can't concentrate and my work suffers. When a relationship is working, it has a positive influence on my well-being and that in turn positively affects my creativity and productivity.

Love is like a TCP connection.

Startup and teardown are expensive, but once you're past that, you're in the butter-zone.

Re: undefined

#17

Post by mechanical_fish »

I don't think this subject can be generalized about. Every person is different, every one of that person's partners are different, and you're a different person today then you were six months ago. That is a lot of variation. Some people's relationships are literally torture. Others can carry on two or three happy relationships at the same time and still get things done.

All you can do is follow your nose. Local optimization is your friend. If you think to yourself "gosh, my plan to live like a celibate monk is making me cranky and depressed", perhaps you need to change something in your life. (Get out of the office!) It doesn't matter whether or not (e.g.) other people are happier and more productive as celibate monks, or whether there is some Grand Unified Theory of Productivity that prescribes monkhood. Those people are not you, and that theory may not apply to you. Even the best theories of human behavior can only describe averages, and it's unlikely that you are average in every respect. Just because the average human walks on two legs doesn't mean that one-legged humans can't walk.

Re: undefined

#18

Post by time_management »

patrickg-zill wrote: post #14

Welcome to the messy, illogical thing called life. No one has exactly the "right" answer. I would point out that a good relationship should enhance your life rather than diminish it. Maybe you are dating the wrong kind or pursuing the wrong kind?

I live in the US, so finding the "right kind" of woman is difficult. 85 percent (or more) of them are too selfish to have any long-term potential. The saying comes to mind about how, in the US, it's very easy to find a great job and very hard to find a decent woman, as opposed to the other way around in most of the world.

If I decide that getting married and having kids is a serious priority of mine, I'm probably going to spend a couple years living overseas.

Re: undefined

#19

Post by cia_plant »

"quality women are pretty much universally opposed to casual sex and would look down upon it if I racked up a number when young, so that sort of behavior would limit my options in the long term."

Where do you live, Utah? I don't know any women who are opposed to casual sex. Maybe you need to meet more people, and broaden your worldview. It's also self-destructive to limit what you're doing now for the sake of what you assume you'll want to have done in the future.

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