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Why people shouldn’t love you for who you are

sean-johnson.com

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Re: Why people shouldn’t love you for who you are

#11

Post by sakopov »

> The next time you find yourself wishing someone loved you for who you are, check yourself. It’s likely you’re trying to justify something about yourself that isn’t that great. Have the courage to examine yourself thoughtfully, to humbly receive feedback from those close to you, to recognize it’s most likely changeable, and to have the conviction to make change happen.

Well, if your partner tells you you're farting too often than that's one thing. If someone wants to change something about you that you and others around you have grown to appreciate then you should be asking yourself if you're with the right person.

Being a servant is dangerous unless both parties agree on this approach in a relationship. I've lost count of how many times I've seen two people together where one changed to accommodate the other partner and ended up being a perpetual ass-kisser, leaving everything and everyone behind while under constant control of his/her significant other. The other person may never be happy and this can end very bad for both parties involved.

When people are genuinely looking for someone they're not looking for someone to change. They're looking for someone who can complete them. They're looking for their opposite in some aspects. The right person won't try to change you. They'll embrace that you're different.

Re: Why people shouldn’t love you for who you are

#12

Post by kstenerud »

This post, like many contrarian posts, tackles the "problem" by swinging the pendulum all the way to the other side.

It's up to you to decide which parts of you you're not willing to compromise on, and stick to your guns on those parts.

Sure, if you find that too many people dislike you, do a little soul searching and perhaps change your stance, but don't allow yourself to be boxed in by other peoples' expectations of you. They're human just like you are, and their expectations can be just as unrealistic and unfair as yours.

Ultimately, YOU decide how you live your life. How much of that you allow other people to influence is your own concern, as are the consequences. Just don't go whining about it when things don't go your way.

Re: Why people shouldn’t love you for who you are

#13

Post by mattm »

jilebedev wrote: post #9
guylhem wrote: post #3

The conclusion, "People have a right to expect more from you" seems dead wrong to me, and I don't really see any answer to the question asked by the title. If you are want some better answers, read instead this little gem ESR posted on Google+ a little while ago: http://www.cracked.com/blog/6-harsh-truths-that-will-make-yo... Let's say that the person you love the most has just been shot. He or she is lying in the st…

That's a lot of words from both authors to say: nobody actually cares about "you". They only care about what they can get from you. That can be horrifically depressing or pragmatic and inspiring: the emotional reaction is irrelevant, it is the truth.

I wouldn't go so far as to say "nobody." There can be a small number of people that genuinely care about you. Most people won't. But that's what makes that small number of people special.

Re: Why people shouldn’t love you for who you are

#14

Post by mtrimpe »

GiraffeNecktie wrote: post #4

It's important to distinguish two, seemingly contradictory positions: 1 People won't love me for who I am. In fact, it's the job of the rest of the world to show me where I need to improve. But, on the other hand ... 2 I should love people for who they are. It's not my business to make people over. My job is to make myself over. There's more than enough work to be done there. Working on other people's supposed failin…

So it's like Postel's principle (be liberal in what you accept no strict in what you emit) for relations?

Re: Why people shouldn’t love you for who you are

#15

Post by yarou »

kstenerud wrote: post #12

This post, like many contrarian posts, tackles the "problem" by swinging the pendulum all the way to the other side. It's up to you to decide which parts of you you're not willing to compromise on, and stick to your guns on those parts. Sure, if you find that too many people dislike you, do a little soul searching and perhaps change your stance, but don't allow yourself to be boxed in by other peoples' expectations o…

While I agree with most of your points, I have to disagree with your last one. It is only a half-truth to say you decide how you live your life; there are many factors, such as socioeconomic status, where you live, etc...things you cannot in certain circumstances control that determine how you MUST live your life.

Re: Why people shouldn’t love you for who you are

#17

Post by [deleted] »

mattm wrote: post #13
jilebedev wrote: post #9

Earlier quoted context omitted.

That's a lot of words from both authors to say: nobody actually cares about "you". They only care about what they can get from you. That can be horrifically depressing or pragmatic and inspiring: the emotional reaction is irrelevant, it is the truth.

I wouldn't go so far as to say "nobody." There can be a small number of people that genuinely care about you. Most people won't. But that's what makes that small number of people special.

[deleted]

Re: Why people shouldn’t love you for who you are

#18

Post by graeme »

cousin_it wrote: post #6
guylhem wrote: post #3

The conclusion, "People have a right to expect more from you" seems dead wrong to me, and I don't really see any answer to the question asked by the title. If you are want some better answers, read instead this little gem ESR posted on Google+ a little while ago: http://www.cracked.com/blog/6-harsh-truths-that-will-make-yo... Let's say that the person you love the most has just been shot. He or she is lying in the st…

That's a great article, thanks for the link! > If your dream girl or guy had a hidden camera that followed you around for a month, would they be impressed with what they saw? Now I want to try walking around imagining that my dream girl is watching me :-)

That's actually really good advice. I believe Seneca had something simliar, acting as if the better version of yourself were watching.

Unfortunately, following through on those ideas probably requires closing this Hacker News tab....

Re: Why people shouldn’t love you for who you are

#19

Post by eddorre »

I wouldn't put too much stock into what this guy says; he's not a mental health professional.

The problem with geeks nowadays is that we are conditioned to think logically about problems and find solutions to them. Unfortunately, this gives us the perception that our logic can solve all problems as if they were puzzles.

This leads geeks to give advice out of their domain. Armed with a little bit of knowlege, we give advice as if we understand the problem fully and completely.

I think that this akin to an astrophysicist adivising people how to build and scale a Rails app just because he read a Rails introduction book.

But don't listen to me, I'm a geek speaking outside of my domain. If you're having interpersonal issues at work/home or struggling in general, I urge you to seek a professional in these matters.

Re: Why people shouldn’t love you for who you are

#20

Post by xijuan »

The truth is that personality stays relatively stable over time. The author seems to believe that people are born as blank slates and thus we can easily change our behaviour and personality..The reality is that we are not born as blank slates. We are born with many innate qualities (i.e., temperament, intelligence). I do agree that we can change some of our habits. But there are aspects of ourselves that we simply can't change. For myself, I think it is anxiety and depression. It is part of me. I can do things to minimize it but I will still be prone to it. I think my future partner really just has to accept this imperfect aspect of me.. I feel sorry that he will have to deal it with me.. But in turn, I will also accept his imperfections. Isn't relationship more about tolerance and compromise?
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