>rather, it's the weaker statement that there isn't any one single line that all the points lie on
... of course there's no single line that all the points lie on. They've been defined to be non-collinear.
Edit: can't reply because of HN's stupid rate-limit mechanism, but to this:
>So the theorem proves that no matter which way you arrange any finite set of points, except for all on the same line, then you can always find a line with exactly two points.
Of course you can. It's absolutely implied by the problem definition. My 9 year old could do this, given a ruler and a pencil, with 100% success rate. I absolutely do not believe this is a novel "theorem"