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How I Blew My Marriage
11–20 of 39 posts
Re: How I Blew My Marriage
#12I would add this:
Have a short memory for negative stuff and a really long memory for positive things. Some people have a tendency to do the reverse, and it is really toxic to relationships.
Re: How I Blew My Marriage
#13Never argue in front of the kids You know, I have some experience with this. I had a friend in college that had parents that never once argued in front of him. Not once. This guy was completely unable to resolve any conflicts. You know what? People learn conflict resolution by watching others, and that goes for kids. To give more details about my friend, he was a really nice guy, but he avoided confrontation like the…
This is really insightful. My parents never (knowingly) argued in front of me either (a few times I heard angry voices in the other room). And when I was younger I definitely avoided confrontation. Hmmm...
Re: How I Blew My Marriage
#14I found this a curiously cold, superficial approach to loving another person.
A relationship isn't a software program, or a car. You can't apply discrete rules, algorithms or workflows and assume it'll stay in tip-top condition. You can't debug it, either. Not in a discretely logical way.
This other person who is your more-than-equal, who still gives you butterflies, and who you respect so much that you've entered into a partnership with them with both your lives? Treat them like that. Be open, be responsive to their emotional needs, and be communicative about yours. Like any partnership, don't enter into it lightly; it's okay to take your time. Take them for who they are, and make sure they're taking you for who you are. Turn a blind eye to nothing, but be sure of your priorities. And don't take any of it for granted.
Re: How I Blew My Marriage
#15Never argue in front of the kids You know, I have some experience with this. I had a friend in college that had parents that never once argued in front of him. Not once. This guy was completely unable to resolve any conflicts. You know what? People learn conflict resolution by watching others, and that goes for kids. To give more details about my friend, he was a really nice guy, but he avoided confrontation like the…
This is really insightful. My parents never (knowingly) argued in front of me either (a few times I heard angry voices in the other room). And when I was younger I definitely avoided confrontation. Hmmm...
Fwiw, my parents argued in front of me all the time, and I also avoided confrontation when I was younger. I think there's a spectrum, and it's important to teach kids how to deal with confrontation productively.
Re: How I Blew My Marriage
#16This site somehow brings my Firefox 16.0.1 on Ubuntu to its knees -- 100% CPU usage, window goes dark -- every time I try to view it. It literally raised the temperature in the room trying to render it.
Re: How I Blew My Marriage
#17I found this a curiously cold, superficial approach to loving another person. A relationship isn't a software program, or a car. You can't apply discrete rules, algorithms or workflows and assume it'll stay in tip-top condition. You can't debug it, either. Not in a discretely logical way. This other person who is your more-than-equal, who still gives you butterflies, and who you respect so much that you've entered in…
A relationship isn't a software program, or a car. You can't apply discrete rules, algorithms or workflows and assume it'll stay in tip-top condition. You can't debug it, either. Not in a discretely logical way.
It's also not a completely irrational thing. You can apply some general patterns and usually observe positive results.
Re: How I Blew My Marriage
#18I found this a curiously cold, superficial approach to loving another person. A relationship isn't a software program, or a car. You can't apply discrete rules, algorithms or workflows and assume it'll stay in tip-top condition. You can't debug it, either. Not in a discretely logical way. This other person who is your more-than-equal, who still gives you butterflies, and who you respect so much that you've entered in…
None of what you said is wrong, but TFA has some very simple suggestions that anyone can follow that do have the ability to have a significantly positive impact on most marriages.
Re: How I Blew My Marriage
#19Never argue in front of the kids You know, I have some experience with this. I had a friend in college that had parents that never once argued in front of him. Not once. This guy was completely unable to resolve any conflicts. You know what? People learn conflict resolution by watching others, and that goes for kids. To give more details about my friend, he was a really nice guy, but he avoided confrontation like the…
If you argue in front of your kids, in a way that respects each other and eventually comes to a fair and agreeable result, then your kid will learn valuable conflict resolution skills. On the other hand, if you shout at each other in front of the kids until one of you throws their hands in the air and stomps off, and nothing is resolved and everyone is angry, then your kid will only learn the fine art of temper tantrums. And, as you say, if you do nothing in front of your kids, they will be utterly unequipped to do anything.
As my wrestling coach used to say, practice doesn't make perfect, perfect practice makes perfect. The same holds true for kids and their acquiring habits from their parents: they will pick up the habits you demonstrate in front of them, for better or worse.
Also, this sort of stuff is exactly why I am absolutely terrified of having kids.
Re: How I Blew My Marriage
#20Never argue in front of the kids You know, I have some experience with this. I had a friend in college that had parents that never once argued in front of him. Not once. This guy was completely unable to resolve any conflicts. You know what? People learn conflict resolution by watching others, and that goes for kids. To give more details about my friend, he was a really nice guy, but he avoided confrontation like the…
> People learn conflict resolution by watching others, and that goes for kids.
As someone that grew up watching my parents fight constantly in front of me, I still react to confrontation the same way as your friend. Their fighting frightened me because he was physical, so when I get into [really] overheated situations, I shut down instead because that seems safer to me than risking pressing forward.
In situations where I saw friends' parents fight, it was awkward and equally unsettling.