How Studying Body Language Changed the Way I Socialize • Hacker News Board

Re: How Studying Body Language Changed the Way I Socialize

#11

Post by personlurking » Tue, Oct 09, 2012, 3:45 AM UTC

the_cat_kittles wrote: post #5

corporalagumbo wrote: post #3

"I feel like Neo at the end of The Matrix now." As much as I hate to admit it, I can identify with this. Becoming socially literate for me too has felt and continues to feel almost like a superpower. That "Wow! I can't believe I can do this!" feeling is a bit of a rush. I think what the author is describing is something of a growing trend. It has become relatively easy to make it through to adulthood with very low so…

I have had a growing hypothesis that my social intelligence with acquaintances and big groups (as opposed to close friends) is actually very bad. As is probably the case with most of us here, I didn't suspect this because my intelligence in all other arenas is excellent. I think I was further insulated from the problem because I was in small schools through high school, and never really felt socially deficient as a r…

"As is probably the case with most of us here, I didn't suspect this because my intelligence in all other arenas is excellent."

I'd like to branch off from this comment a bit. What happens when your intelligence, like wealth (a comparison I recently started making), creates a gap between yourself and others? What happens when you want to talk about really interesting things ('go to a fancy restaurant') but others basically clam up ('can't afford it')?

Over the last decade and a half, my personal 'wealth' has been created from finding and maintaining varying interests. Most people I talk to don't seem to have any. They work/play, spend/earn, watch tv, listen to music and go out with friends to bars/clubs. And when you ask them about their interests, they rattle off the list I just made. I suppose it has to do with the idea that education is something you're forced to deal with and 'luckily' it's over after college.

Finding those (IRL) who have interests or who believe in lifelong learning is like finding a needle in a haystack.

Re: How Studying Body Language Changed the Way I Socialize

#12

Post by corporalagumbo » Tue, Oct 09, 2012, 4:00 AM UTC

saraid216 wrote: post #8

corporalagumbo wrote: post #7

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The interesting thing for me reading this article was, when I got to the section where he discusses comments on his post, I couldn't help but think, "Damn, the internet would be so BORING if everyone was that nice all the time." What would be the fun of an internet where everyone is so positive and generous all the time? Maybe I'm just addicted to intellectual sparring. Who knows.

Intellectual sparring doesn't necessitate being not nice.

True, but a sharp debate can be quite delicious.

Re: How Studying Body Language Changed the Way I Socialize

#13

Post by psweber » Tue, Oct 09, 2012, 4:04 AM UTC

corporalagumbo wrote: post #3

"I feel like Neo at the end of The Matrix now." As much as I hate to admit it, I can identify with this. Becoming socially literate for me too has felt and continues to feel almost like a superpower. That "Wow! I can't believe I can do this!" feeling is a bit of a rush. I think what the author is describing is something of a growing trend. It has become relatively easy to make it through to adulthood with very low so…

Comments like this make Hacker News pretty great.

Re: How Studying Body Language Changed the Way I Socialize

#14

Post by the_cat_kittles » Tue, Oct 09, 2012, 4:08 AM UTC

personlurking wrote: post #11

the_cat_kittles wrote: post #5

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I have had a growing hypothesis that my social intelligence with acquaintances and big groups (as opposed to close friends) is actually very bad. As is probably the case with most of us here, I didn't suspect this because my intelligence in all other arenas is excellent. I think I was further insulated from the problem because I was in small schools through high school, and never really felt socially deficient as a r…

"As is probably the case with most of us here, I didn't suspect this because my intelligence in all other arenas is excellent." I'd like to branch off from this comment a bit. What happens when your intelligence, like wealth (a comparison I recently started making), creates a gap between yourself and others? What happens when you want to talk about really interesting things ('go to a fancy restaurant') but others bas…

I've often made excuses to myself along the lines of "there are just fewer people I get along with because I'm gifted" or something like that. But I can't buy those completely, because there are plenty of people smarter than me who don't seem to have that problem.

Edit: You might reframe what friends are for? Common interests are really important, but not an absolute necessity.

Re: How Studying Body Language Changed the Way I Socialize

#15

Post by the_cat_kittles » Tue, Oct 09, 2012, 4:11 AM UTC

corporalagumbo wrote: post #10

the_cat_kittles wrote: post #5

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I have had a growing hypothesis that my social intelligence with acquaintances and big groups (as opposed to close friends) is actually very bad. As is probably the case with most of us here, I didn't suspect this because my intelligence in all other arenas is excellent. I think I was further insulated from the problem because I was in small schools through high school, and never really felt socially deficient as a r…

Not knowing much about your situation, here are some general tips that may or may not be useful. Also, recommending again Daniel Goleman's work for developing basic social literacy. 1) Be happy about the size of your social circle. Some people think they have to run out and make lots of friends as quickly as possible. I think it's better to hang out with the people you know and work on just having a good attitude. Mo…

Thanks for the thoughtful words. Based on my text alone, I can see how these would apply. I think I know all these things intellectually. I probably put most of them into practice. I wonder if a big part of the problem is I work from home, and I work all the time. Or is that symptom? You deserve serious kudos for the list, regardless.

Re: How Studying Body Language Changed the Way I Socialize

#16

Post by Evbn » Tue, Oct 09, 2012, 4:31 AM UTC

corporalagumbo wrote: post #3

"I feel like Neo at the end of The Matrix now." As much as I hate to admit it, I can identify with this. Becoming socially literate for me too has felt and continues to feel almost like a superpower. That "Wow! I can't believe I can do this!" feeling is a bit of a rush. I think what the author is describing is something of a growing trend. It has become relatively easy to make it through to adulthood with very low so…

Of course if the guy had said the same thing, he would be a passive aggressive jerk, saying "maybe" when he who darn well what the problem was. But the girl had long flowing social skills, and two large, soft skills, and these that made her delivery more pleasant...

Re: How Studying Body Language Changed the Way I Socialize

#17

Post by creamyhorror » Tue, Oct 09, 2012, 4:59 AM UTC

corporalagumbo wrote: post #3

"I feel like Neo at the end of The Matrix now." As much as I hate to admit it, I can identify with this. Becoming socially literate for me too has felt and continues to feel almost like a superpower. That "Wow! I can't believe I can do this!" feeling is a bit of a rush. I think what the author is describing is something of a growing trend. It has become relatively easy to make it through to adulthood with very low so…

Here's a great site anyone considering the state of their friendships and social life should check out:

http://www.succeedsocially.com

The sort of topics it covers:

"How To Think Of Things To Say When Making Conversation"

"When People Don't Seem Interested In Starting Friendships With You"

"When You Feel Like Your Social Circle Is Indifferent To You"

"Social Mistakes Intellectual People Can Make"

"Reasons Someone May See You As Weird"

Just start clicking around randomly and you'll probably find an article that draws your attention. Hope it helps any of you folks out there who see that they may be doing something wrong but can't figure out what it is.

Re: How Studying Body Language Changed the Way I Socialize

#18

Post by nessus42 » Tue, Oct 09, 2012, 5:07 AM UTC

corporalagumbo wrote: post #3

"I feel like Neo at the end of The Matrix now." As much as I hate to admit it, I can identify with this. Becoming socially literate for me too has felt and continues to feel almost like a superpower. That "Wow! I can't believe I can do this!" feeling is a bit of a rush. I think what the author is describing is something of a growing trend. It has become relatively easy to make it through to adulthood with very low so…

>After a couple of seconds the girl says "Maybe if you try swiping it in the middle it will help."

Personally, I'd find that way of expressing it slightly annoying, though I'm not sure why. Perhaps because it's worded as a suggestion without saying why this suggestion is worth considering. Maybe if I tried swiping it while singing Yankee Doodle Dandy, it would also help?

The way that I would word this sort of suggestion is, "I've noticed that I have better luck when I swipe it in the middle." That's just a helpful fact, devoid of prescription, while also expressing to some degree that I have been similarly frustrated by the device in the past.

Then again, I probably have Asperger's too, so what do I know?

Re: How Studying Body Language Changed the Way I Socialize

#19

Post by lilsunnybee » Tue, Oct 09, 2012, 5:19 AM UTC

Evbn wrote: post #16

corporalagumbo wrote: post #3

"I feel like Neo at the end of The Matrix now." As much as I hate to admit it, I can identify with this. Becoming socially literate for me too has felt and continues to feel almost like a superpower. That "Wow! I can't believe I can do this!" feeling is a bit of a rush. I think what the author is describing is something of a growing trend. It has become relatively easy to make it through to adulthood with very low so…

Of course if the guy had said the same thing, he would be a passive aggressive jerk, saying "maybe" when he who darn well what the problem was. But the girl had long flowing social skills, and two large, soft skills, and these that made her delivery more pleasant...

Gross. Sexist much?

There are different social standards for men and women having almost nothing to do with appearance. While a man might appear to be passive aggressive in a negative way if his advice isn't assertive enough, a woman will look like a pushy bitch if she's too assertive. It cuts both ways.

Re: How Studying Body Language Changed the Way I Socialize

#20

Post by nostrademons » Tue, Oct 09, 2012, 5:57 AM UTC

nessus42 wrote: post #18

corporalagumbo wrote: post #3

"I feel like Neo at the end of The Matrix now." As much as I hate to admit it, I can identify with this. Becoming socially literate for me too has felt and continues to feel almost like a superpower. That "Wow! I can't believe I can do this!" feeling is a bit of a rush. I think what the author is describing is something of a growing trend. It has become relatively easy to make it through to adulthood with very low so…

> After a couple of seconds the girl says "Maybe if you try swiping it in the middle it will help." Personally, I'd find that way of expressing it slightly annoying, though I'm not sure why. Perhaps because it's worded as a suggestion without saying why this suggestion is worth considering. Maybe if I tried swiping it while singing Yankee Doodle Dandy, it would also help? The way that I would word this sort of sugges…

My gut reaction to her way of expressing it was also negative, although I'd give her the benefit of the doubt in person because she's just trying to help.

I think it's because it's condescending. In two ways - on one hand, it's pointing out something that's obvious in hindsight. On the other, it's blatantly trying to sugarcoat that it's obvious, as if you can't handle the fact that you don't know everything.

I would've just said "Try the middle" or "Right down the center". Simple and basically devoid of emotion.

OTOH, I think that one thing this example highlights is: audience matters. I find that I talk one way with computer types, another way with my liberal-arts college friends, and a third way with my Harry Potter fandom friends. And occasionally I mix it up, and then my college friends think I'm a rude asshole, or Hacker News thinks I'm overly circuitous and can't get to the point. You can't have a conversation devoid of context; the fact that this example happens outside a computer room is pretty relevant.