Social anxiety isn't about being liked • Hacker News Board

Re: Social anxiety isn't about being liked

#11

Post by dmesg » Fri, Oct 03, 2025, 4:34 PM UTC

Quote:

> Why else would someone be so anxious about how others see them?

The scientific consensus would tell the author that judgement in humans happens already the moment they see a person and it is immediate, even if the person not doing anything:

https://www.nature.com/articles/srep40700

>across three studies, we find that first impressions [...] made from thin slices of real-world social behavior by typically-developing observers are not only far less favorable across a range of trait judgments compared to controls

Edit:

Okay this was completely misunderstood. My point was that the "normal" people in the study immediately internally know if to like or not like a person. Hence why first impressions DO matter the most. Which is why I simply disagree with the argument in the OP that anyone has control over their perception.

You also cannot win people over if the most respected person in a group dislikes you. The others will follow boot.

Re: Social anxiety isn't about being liked

#12

Post by BurningFrog » Fri, Oct 03, 2025, 4:35 PM UTC

cortesoft wrote: post #3

I hadn’t heard the word countersignaling before, but it matches something I had observed many years ago. My closest groups of friends always make so much fun of each other. We make negative comments about the worst traits about each other, the things that we are most self-conscious about… yet every time my friends make fun of me for something I worry about, I actually feel better and more comfortable with myself. Whe…

Perhaps this is controversial, but I think this is a mostly male way of expressing affection.

Women observing this sometimes conclude that men are horribly cruel to each other.

Re: Social anxiety isn't about being liked

#13

Post by bongodongobob » Fri, Oct 03, 2025, 4:37 PM UTC

turtledragonfly wrote: post #10

cortesoft wrote: post #3

I hadn’t heard the word countersignaling before, but it matches something I had observed many years ago. My closest groups of friends always make so much fun of each other. We make negative comments about the worst traits about each other, the things that we are most self-conscious about… yet every time my friends make fun of me for something I worry about, I actually feel better and more comfortable with myself. Whe…

This seems fairly culture-dependent, from my experience. For instance, I've noticed a distinct difference in how sarcasm is received in the Northeast US vs the West Coast. What you described feels more Northeast-y to me (I'm sure it varies by other segments and sub-sub-cultures, too). There's the saying: "If an Irish person calls you 'asshole,' it means they think you're a friend. If they call you 'friend' it means t…

Ha that's funny. I'm from the Midwest and found my dry/sarcastic humor tended to confuse people on the West Coast. A lot of people tended to take me completely seriously when I was obviously joking.

Re: Social anxiety isn't about being liked

#14

Post by idontwantthis » Fri, Oct 03, 2025, 4:38 PM UTC

BurningFrog wrote: post #12

cortesoft wrote: post #3

I hadn’t heard the word countersignaling before, but it matches something I had observed many years ago. My closest groups of friends always make so much fun of each other. We make negative comments about the worst traits about each other, the things that we are most self-conscious about… yet every time my friends make fun of me for something I worry about, I actually feel better and more comfortable with myself. Whe…

Perhaps this is controversial, but I think this is a mostly male way of expressing affection. Women observing this sometimes conclude that men are horribly cruel to each other.

I think that's because when women do it, they are usually being intentionally cruel. Any woman will tell you how cruel teenage girls are to each other.

Re: Social anxiety isn't about being liked

#15

Post by layer8 » Fri, Oct 03, 2025, 4:39 PM UTC

dmesg wrote: post #11

Quote: > Why else would someone be so anxious about how others see them? The scientific consensus would tell the author that judgement in humans happens already the moment they see a person and it is immediate, even if the person not doing anything: https://www.nature.com/articles/srep40700 >across three studies, we find that first impressions [...] made from thin slices of real-world social behavior by typically-dev…

I don’t think the article is about autism.

Re: Social anxiety isn't about being liked

#16

Post by cortesoft » Fri, Oct 03, 2025, 4:39 PM UTC

turtledragonfly wrote: post #10

cortesoft wrote: post #3

I hadn’t heard the word countersignaling before, but it matches something I had observed many years ago. My closest groups of friends always make so much fun of each other. We make negative comments about the worst traits about each other, the things that we are most self-conscious about… yet every time my friends make fun of me for something I worry about, I actually feel better and more comfortable with myself. Whe…

This seems fairly culture-dependent, from my experience. For instance, I've noticed a distinct difference in how sarcasm is received in the Northeast US vs the West Coast. What you described feels more Northeast-y to me (I'm sure it varies by other segments and sub-sub-cultures, too). There's the saying: "If an Irish person calls you 'asshole,' it means they think you're a friend. If they call you 'friend' it means t…

Well, I have lived in California my whole life, and 90% of my friends are also native Californians, so i guess it isn't exclusively east coast.

Re: Social anxiety isn't about being liked

#17

Post by ryandrake » Fri, Oct 03, 2025, 4:40 PM UTC

Off topic, but my eye twitched at the word "agentic." This word has infested every computing and software discussion as a buzzword, to the point where I am having a visceral reaction just seeing it. Even though it's used appropriately here, I have to admit I retched a little while reading. So tired of hearing "agentic."

Re: Social anxiety isn't about being liked

#18

Post by brabel » Fri, Oct 03, 2025, 4:40 PM UTC

BurningFrog wrote: post #12

cortesoft wrote: post #3

I hadn’t heard the word countersignaling before, but it matches something I had observed many years ago. My closest groups of friends always make so much fun of each other. We make negative comments about the worst traits about each other, the things that we are most self-conscious about… yet every time my friends make fun of me for something I worry about, I actually feel better and more comfortable with myself. Whe…

Perhaps this is controversial, but I think this is a mostly male way of expressing affection. Women observing this sometimes conclude that men are horribly cruel to each other.

Only some kind of men behave like that. I had many friends growing up and we never did that sort of thing, and it always put me off to see people who did.

Re: Social anxiety isn't about being liked

#19

Post by dmesg » Fri, Oct 03, 2025, 4:41 PM UTC

layer8 wrote: post #15

dmesg wrote: post #11

Quote: > Why else would someone be so anxious about how others see them? The scientific consensus would tell the author that judgement in humans happens already the moment they see a person and it is immediate, even if the person not doing anything: https://www.nature.com/articles/srep40700 >across three studies, we find that first impressions [...] made from thin slices of real-world social behavior by typically-dev…

I don’t think the article is about autism.

Curious, yet the most people suffering from anxiety as secondary comorbid psychiatric condition are the depressed, autistic and ADHD sufferers.

The article is definitely a mental health topic. A little harmless stage fright before a presentation is not real clinical generalized anxiety and affects most normal people.

Re: Social anxiety isn't about being liked

#20

Post by Glawen » Fri, Oct 03, 2025, 4:41 PM UTC

BurningFrog wrote: post #12

cortesoft wrote: post #3

I hadn’t heard the word countersignaling before, but it matches something I had observed many years ago. My closest groups of friends always make so much fun of each other. We make negative comments about the worst traits about each other, the things that we are most self-conscious about… yet every time my friends make fun of me for something I worry about, I actually feel better and more comfortable with myself. Whe…

Perhaps this is controversial, but I think this is a mostly male way of expressing affection. Women observing this sometimes conclude that men are horribly cruel to each other.

Same goes for how men are comforting each other by acknowledging flaws/mistakes/situation to try to help move on. Which is very different on how women comfort each other.