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Why We Spiral

behavioralscientist.org

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Re: Why We Spiral

#11

Post by 47282847 »

t43562 wrote: post #3

I think it's useful to try to always assume the best from others: - If they aren't being friendly this will irritate them in a way they cannot object to too openly. - If they are friendly it will avoid damage and even start an upward spiral. When you're not feeling good enough it's sometimes helpful to remember that even people who create negative impacts often get into positions of power and stay there for one reaso…

I generally agree but in my experience it becomes more complex when you cognitively decide on one thing (to assume the best), but don’t feel it. How you feel influences how it’s going to happen in major and in subtle ways. Your return friendliness may be received as snarky or sarcasm, or at least detected as insincere, to give one example.

Re: Why We Spiral

#12

Post by daveguy »

airstrike wrote: post #6
teddyh wrote: post #2

Original title: “Why We Spiral”; mangled by HN to the incomprehensible “We Spiral”.

FYI HN does edit out the "Why", but OP can go in and modify the title after submitting.

Maybe HN needs an "if num_words > 3" before the "delete leading Why". Or maybe an "if char_count > CHAR_LIMIT" before the "delete leading Why".

Or just don't. What a near guaranteed way to mangle the meaning of a title.

Re: Why We Spiral

#13

Post by makeitdouble »

petercooper wrote: post #7

Your mind doesn’t, though. It’s still ruminating. Was that snark in my boss’s voice? Were they talking about me before I logged on? I wonder if some of this could also be related to https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hostile_attribution_bias where some people simply see ambiguous or benign behavior they don't like and interpret it as hostile.

I read it as just being context dependent. The "Tripoli" vs "Triple E" bit in the article was to me another anecdote on how we resolve ambiguity based on what we have in our mind's stack at the moment:

> A friend once told me of an ingenious class demonstration that helped her begin to understand this process. A professor split the class in two and then spoke to the first half alone, telling them of his love for travel and a recent trip to Libya. Next, he spoke to the second half about shopping and how hard it was to find the right size shoe. Last, he brought the class together and said a single word. He asked the students to write it down. Students in the first group wrote, “Tripoli.” Those in the second wrote, “Triple E.”

Re: Why We Spiral

#14

Post by makeitdouble »

t43562 wrote: post #3

I think it's useful to try to always assume the best from others: - If they aren't being friendly this will irritate them in a way they cannot object to too openly. - If they are friendly it will avoid damage and even start an upward spiral. When you're not feeling good enough it's sometimes helpful to remember that even people who create negative impacts often get into positions of power and stay there for one reaso…

For people trying to sit more in the middle, forcing a neutral balance is another way to do it: don't burn bridges and don't over assume people's feelings.

That means not one-upping snark, but also keeping a healthy default distance with people you deal with professionaly.

One might miss some genuinely heartful exchanges, but it also makes the worst times way easier to deal with. Compensating for keeping too much distance is usually easy, repairing problematic exchanges is way way harder.

Re: Why We Spiral

#15

Post by nuancebydefault »

t43562 wrote: post #3

I think it's useful to try to always assume the best from others: - If they aren't being friendly this will irritate them in a way they cannot object to too openly. - If they are friendly it will avoid damage and even start an upward spiral. When you're not feeling good enough it's sometimes helpful to remember that even people who create negative impacts often get into positions of power and stay there for one reaso…

Indeed, the default should be to assume the best intentions of people. Also, people can have a bad day and be snarky. Next meeting they might as well be friendly.

Staying positive and not letting (potential) negative feedback derail you, works like magic in the long run.

If someone is really picking on you, or they genuinely disapprove of your work, you will find out in due time.

Re: Why We Spiral

#17

Post by AstralStorm »

makeitdouble wrote: post #14
t43562 wrote: post #3

I think it's useful to try to always assume the best from others: - If they aren't being friendly this will irritate them in a way they cannot object to too openly. - If they are friendly it will avoid damage and even start an upward spiral. When you're not feeling good enough it's sometimes helpful to remember that even people who create negative impacts often get into positions of power and stay there for one reaso…

For people trying to sit more in the middle, forcing a neutral balance is another way to do it: don't burn bridges and don't over assume people's feelings. That means not one-upping snark, but also keeping a healthy default distance with people you deal with professionaly. One might miss some genuinely heartful exchanges, but it also makes the worst times way easier to deal with. Compensating for keeping too much dis…

Except this is self sabotaging, because you have no deep connection you stay alone and feel alone, ultimately spiralling.

Re: Why We Spiral

#19

Post by SamoyedFurFluff »

As a person with long experiences in trauma responses, I see this sort of behavior pattern everywhere. There’s so much “trust your gut!!” advice when the gut can be deeply wrong especially when it comes to identifying interpersonal threats. We don’t educate people in how to process their feelings in a healthy manner and to differentiate what they feel is happening and how they should behave. This results in anything like saying someone has “bad vibes” to be a reason to exclude them, to actively covering for someone with a known pattern of harming people simply because they are charming.

Re: Why We Spiral

#20

Post by layer8 »

isoprophlex wrote: post #18
teddyh wrote: post #2

Original title: “Why We Spiral”; mangled by HN to the incomprehensible “We Spiral”.

That makes one wonder what happens if one was to submit a story titled "Why"

It remains as “Why”. Same for “Why not?”. Maybe it needs at least three words. Though “Why why why“ also isn’t changed. Apologies to anyone who came across my experiments.
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