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Be a thermostat, not a thermometer (2023)

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Re: Be a thermostat, not a thermometer (2023)

#11

Post by deisteve »

Suppafly wrote: post #10
deisteve wrote: post #6

While the article has some good points about the importance of emotional intelligence and awareness, I'm skeptical about the idea that we can simply "choose" to be thermostats. Humans are complex and emotional creatures, and our emotions can be triggered by a multitude of factors beyond our control. The article's suggestions, while well-intentioned, feel like a form of emotional labor that can be exhausting and unsus…

I think you can consciously learn a skill by practicing it enough. You can choose to project positivity and like most things in life, fake it until you make it. >feel like a form of emotional labor that can be exhausting and unsustainable There definitely some wisdom in knowing when to draw back for your own sanity.

On one hand, I completely agree that deliberate practice and intentional positivity can be powerful tools for growth and skill-building. The 'fake it till you make it' approach can be especially helpful for building confidence and momentum.

I think the key is finding that balance between pushing ourselves to grow and being kind to ourselves when we need to rest. It's okay to take a step back, recharge, and prioritize our own well-being. In fact, that's often where the real growth happens - in the moments of quiet reflection and self-care.

Re: Be a thermostat, not a thermometer (2023)

#12

Post by theultdev »

deisteve wrote: post #8
theultdev wrote: post #7

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It's less emotional labor and less exhausting the more you are aware of your emotions. You can recognize the stimuli and rationalize it before becoming upset. The more you do it, the easier it becomes and the less stressed you become.

totally understand where you're coming from, but I think there's a difference between being aware of your emotions and trying to suppress or fake them. The article isn't suggesting that we should be constantly 'on' and pretending to be someone we're not. Rather, it's about developing self-awareness and learning to manage our emotions in a way that's authentic and sustainable. Recognizing the stimuli that trigger our…

I didn't say suppress or fake your emotions, I said to rationalize them.

If they are irrational you prevent the emotional knee-jerk response in the first place.

If they are rational then you know the root cause to work through so you can fix the issue.

For those rational emotional responses, recognizing the stimuli can still be helpful. It's still stressing, but you know the exact problem and can work to resolve it, the opposite of suppressing it.

Re: Be a thermostat, not a thermometer (2023)

#14

Post by deisteve »

theultdev wrote: post #12
deisteve wrote: post #8

Earlier quoted context omitted.

totally understand where you're coming from, but I think there's a difference between being aware of your emotions and trying to suppress or fake them. The article isn't suggesting that we should be constantly 'on' and pretending to be someone we're not. Rather, it's about developing self-awareness and learning to manage our emotions in a way that's authentic and sustainable. Recognizing the stimuli that trigger our…

I didn't say suppress or fake your emotions, I said to rationalize them. If they are irrational you prevent the emotional knee-jerk response in the first place. If they are rational then you know the root cause to work through so you can fix the issue. For those rational emotional responses, recognizing the stimuli can still be helpful. It's still stressing, but you know the exact problem and can work to resolve it,…

you're advocating for a proactive approach to emotions, where we acknowledge and rationalize them to prevent irrational responses, while still allowing ourselves to feel and work through rational emotions. This approach seems to strike a balance between emotional awareness and emotional regulation.

I think this is a great way to approach emotions, and it's refreshing to see a nuanced discussion about emotional intelligence.

Re: Be a thermostat, not a thermometer (2023)

#15

Post by Trasmatta »

klabb3 wrote: post #3

Definitely gonna borrow this language, it’s a really important aspect of social life. I’ve always been very, very thermometer-like, with a strong tendency to mirror which allows me to connect with people 1 on 1 easy, but on the flip side I absorb vibes I don’t want. My coping mechanism is to avoid bad vibes, confrontational situations, etc. Even being in a social group for long can affect me negatively if the people…

Therapy helps. Building a stronger sense of self and with it, more internal boundaries between your thoughts and beliefs and those of others.

I'm this way as well, and it's like your emotions are totally porous, absorbing everything from those around you. It's a blessing and a curse. Generally stems from a childhood where you had to be very in tune with the emotions of your caregiver in order to stay safe.

Re: Be a thermostat, not a thermometer (2023)

#16

Post by 8n4vidtmkvmk »

gleenn wrote: post #2

This metaphor immediately rang true to me but the article is definitely worth the whole read. There are a bunch of linked articles too which also have some very sound advice. I really like a tactic in hard situations which was saying "What I learned..." followed by "What I'll do is...". It makes someone feel heard and that you'll follow through with some action to make someone feel like you have akin in the game with…

You'd better follow through and do the thing you said though. If you start saying things when people are riled up and then don't do it... They're going to notice.

Re: Be a thermostat, not a thermometer (2023)

#17

Post by theultdev »

deisteve wrote: post #14
theultdev wrote: post #12

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I didn't say suppress or fake your emotions, I said to rationalize them. If they are irrational you prevent the emotional knee-jerk response in the first place. If they are rational then you know the root cause to work through so you can fix the issue. For those rational emotional responses, recognizing the stimuli can still be helpful. It's still stressing, but you know the exact problem and can work to resolve it,…

you're advocating for a proactive approach to emotions, where we acknowledge and rationalize them to prevent irrational responses, while still allowing ourselves to feel and work through rational emotions. This approach seems to strike a balance between emotional awareness and emotional regulation. I think this is a great way to approach emotions, and it's refreshing to see a nuanced discussion about emotional intell…

Thank you, these are things I developed to manage my emotions and it's the first time to put them in words, I tried my best to serialize it.

The cool thing is, if you do this enough, you can always recognize the stimuli.

There's one exception, hormonal imbalance (bipolar, seasonal depression, etc.), because there is no stimuli.

But once you realize there is no external stimuli, you know it's hormonal. It is then classified as a irrational reaction. The difference of an internal irrational reaction is it takes more investigation and sometimes a few emotional knee-jerk reactions slip through before the hormonal cause is detected.

Also the irrational brain can misattribute the imbalance and attribute it to an external stimuli, but you can immediately correct it with evaluation and communication if the misattributed stimuli is a person. (ask for clarification, if it's not what you assumed, apologize after snapping and solve the conflict immediately).

My wife and I can tell when she's nearing her time of the month because it effects both of us. The hormone change unbalances us a week or so before sometimes causing fatigue or snippiness. It's nice to recognize it as to not contribute it the fatigue to burnout or take the snapping to heart.

We just overcompensate in communication and directly ask what the other person meant to not take something the wrong way once we recognize we're in this temporary state.

Re: Be a thermostat, not a thermometer (2023)

#18

Post by 01HNNWZ0MV43FF »

dmoy wrote: post #4

> Make sure you’re squarely facing the person Awww shit that's gonna be hard for my inner Minnesotan. All that deep listening stuff needs to be done at a 135-165 degree angle, so you're both vaguely looking in the same-ish direction but can make occasional side glance eye contact

Right? The only way some of us can discuss emotion is if we're pretending we're manning the Wall against ice zombies

Re: Be a thermostat, not a thermometer (2023)

#20

Post by sethammons »

deisteve wrote: post #6

While the article has some good points about the importance of emotional intelligence and awareness, I'm skeptical about the idea that we can simply "choose" to be thermostats. Humans are complex and emotional creatures, and our emotions can be triggered by a multitude of factors beyond our control. The article's suggestions, while well-intentioned, feel like a form of emotional labor that can be exhausting and unsus…

> Can we really expect people to be constantly "on" and aware of their emotional impact on others?

Of course we can and should. Emotional regulation is a sign of maturity and being an adult. Children should be practicing emotional control.

Can you be mentally and emotionally wrung out and grace given for emotional outbursts? Sometimes. I also have punched a wall when I stubbed my toe. We should expect me to not lash out at the door and it can still be understandable why I did. I have also sat stewing in a mood and it affects those around me. I can fix my attitude or I can remove myself for a spell.

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