Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

Why Dating Apps Don't Work Well

fairytrail.app

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

11–20 of 28 posts

Re: Why Dating Apps Don't Work Well

#11

Post by ThinkBeat »

sfmz wrote: post #4

My dating app idea is this: Men can only message 1 woman per day, but they get 1 more message coupon if they microblog about their day based on the premise that women are more interested in how men operate in the world than just good looks. If women don't respond after like 40 messages, then boot them off the platform because they are just using it for an ego boost with no intention of dating.

In nearly all cases, a profile, blog / whatever is of little value the first thing that happens is they check the profile photo and that is it for the most part

Re: Why Dating Apps Don't Work Well

#12

Post by ToucanLoucan »

brokenalgo wrote: post #3

Because they are designed to make finding/matching people impossible. Match group should be torched to the ground with their exec team tied up inside.

This is true and you're right to say it. However much like other problematic software products in the attention economy, I don't know that there's really a solution. By definition: if a dating app (assuming it isn't a hookup one anyway) is doing it's job, it will lose two users with every "success" it achieves. Which means success for the user and success for the company are not just different, they are opposed. An attention-monetizing free service such as needs users, they need user numbers and user engagements, and if they lose users, especially women who are damn hard to get on these platforms in the first place, then they begin to lose value and lose the ability to make money.

And, even if we discard the notion that attention is being monetized, the presence of women as stated is essential to any of these dating apps' long term viability as a business. I think that's why there's this low-level constant outrage that exists with men who use them; they feel de-prioritized and discarded next to their female counterparts in the user base, because fundamentally, these platforms know they don't have to do shit to get male users. They will come, they will stay, regardless of what they're asked to do or deal with, and therefore they are not valuable to the platform and their needs, desires, and preferences are not catered to. As long as they can attract enough women to meet an emotional threshold for prospective male users, they'll come in droves, and probably spend money too.

Re: Why Dating Apps Don't Work Well

#13

Post by BizarreByte »

brap wrote: post #10

I keep reading about how dating apps don’t work, but at least from my own personal experience and from my friends’ experience, they work very well. The key, I think, is to 1. live in a big city with lots of single people your age 2. pay (if you’re a guy) I don’t consider myself anything special, but following these 2 steps I literally had more dates than I could handle (with women I actually wanted to meet). 3 of tho…

So 1) have money, and 2) have money. We also don't know what you look like which is a hugely important factor, maybe even the most important with app based dating where the swiping decisions are made in fractions of a second.

I'm not trying to downplay your experience but these kind of anecdotes don't mean much, especially when we're missing so much information.

Re: Why Dating Apps Don't Work Well

#14

Post by KenArrari »

I think it's interesting that there were websites like e-harmony that promised to match people based on personality tests but in the age of increasing ML/data-analytics/etc there hasn't been a bigger push to return to that, instead all match-making apps have converged on swiping on pictures.

Re: Why Dating Apps Don't Work Well

#15

Post by PaulHoule »

sfmz wrote: post #4

My dating app idea is this: Men can only message 1 woman per day, but they get 1 more message coupon if they microblog about their day based on the premise that women are more interested in how men operate in the world than just good looks. If women don't respond after like 40 messages, then boot them off the platform because they are just using it for an ego boost with no intention of dating.

I think that (in general) is a good way to be thinking about it.

I have a friend who is interested in using settlements of either real or phony money to offer incentives and change people's behavior in online settings and I'm going to talk with him about applying this to dating tonight.

Some of the reason why it is easy to meet people when you are in school is that you are not just doing it one on one but you are in a group of people that share activities and interests and couples can break off but they have the support of the group from before they meet all the way to the wedding and beyond.

A site that builds a real community could capture all of this. Another thing to think about is habit change. I've written about a recent experience I've had and I've been thinking about what I can do to right now to help it develop and I know I need to get practice in showing gratitude, giving complements and doing little nice things because I'd like to be able to show my love.

On today's online dating sites on the other hand you are feeling ugly or harried or angry or frustrated and none of those those feelings are going to help you give and receive love.

Re: Why Dating Apps Don't Work Well

#16

Post by digging »

sfmz wrote: post #4

My dating app idea is this: Men can only message 1 woman per day, but they get 1 more message coupon if they microblog about their day based on the premise that women are more interested in how men operate in the world than just good looks. If women don't respond after like 40 messages, then boot them off the platform because they are just using it for an ego boost with no intention of dating.

I understand the desire for asymmetry in a heteronormative context, but I think the only real solution is one that just encourages all users to feel more invested in forming genuine connections (e.g. microblogging or whatever).

I think Hinge actually had a pretty good system when I was using it a few years ago. It had a strict bio format, which required every used to answer exactly 3 questions (of their choice) - this format allowed me to identify people who cared about genuinely meeting someone, and had the depth of character to communicate well with me. The incentive to over-share is gone, because you're limited to 3 answers. The incentive to under-share is gone, because you know everyone is also sharing so you're not going to look desperate. People who couldn't or wouldn't give 3 interesting and honest answers were easily ruled out and a lot of the alluring "mystery" of those under-filled profiles was stripped away.

Re: Why Dating Apps Don't Work Well

#17

Post by PaulHoule »

BizarreByte wrote: post #13
brap wrote: post #10

I keep reading about how dating apps don’t work, but at least from my own personal experience and from my friends’ experience, they work very well. The key, I think, is to 1. live in a big city with lots of single people your age 2. pay (if you’re a guy) I don’t consider myself anything special, but following these 2 steps I literally had more dates than I could handle (with women I actually wanted to meet). 3 of tho…

So 1) have money, and 2) have money. We also don't know what you look like which is a hugely important factor, maybe even the most important with app based dating where the swiping decisions are made in fractions of a second. I'm not trying to downplay your experience but these kind of anecdotes don't mean much, especially when we're missing so much information.

The usual story is that 20% of the guys get 80% of the attention in online dating. If you are one of those guys it's the best thing since the swinging sixties.

Re: Why Dating Apps Don't Work Well

#18

Post by digging »

KenArrari wrote: post #14

I think it's interesting that there were websites like e-harmony that promised to match people based on personality tests but in the age of increasing ML/data-analytics/etc there hasn't been a bigger push to return to that, instead all match-making apps have converged on swiping on pictures.

Because it's lower effort to use, especially for hot people, so that's where hot people will converge.

Re: Why Dating Apps Don't Work Well

#19

Post by KenArrari »

sfmz wrote: post #4

My dating app idea is this: Men can only message 1 woman per day, but they get 1 more message coupon if they microblog about their day based on the premise that women are more interested in how men operate in the world than just good looks. If women don't respond after like 40 messages, then boot them off the platform because they are just using it for an ego boost with no intention of dating.

I like the idea of having limited but higher quality interactions.

Another way to encourage this I think is making it a paid service. Filters out anyone just using it to look at pictures or waste time.

I liked the bumble founders idea of having LLMs trained on peoples texts/social-media activity and having them talk to each other and then matching people based on that. Might be a good way to determine that one daily match.

Re: Why Dating Apps Don't Work Well

#20

Post by PaulHoule »

93po wrote: post #7
raxxorraxor wrote: post #5

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This is a form of dating I would much more likely choose, if I had to. Worst case is that you don't like each other but you still can have a nice holiday, perhaps then with people you meet locally. It is a bit crazy, but nobody can say you lack the effort. I had people move in my shared apartment without ever meeting me, so I believe the risk isn't too real. You have to take a risk or two in life and the chance of me…

i refuse to have a first date with any more commitment than drinks or coffee. way too many too-long dinner dates where leaving a clearly bad match is way too awkward

Maybe this needs some structure where people get to test the waters first.

Going on a vacation with somebody new seems like it could be a huge amount of fun but it really could go bad. The right kind of group could also create a safe-feeling environment.

Post reply on HN