The author seems to have trouble saying what he means in the headline because the article doesn't answer the question at all.
Why it’s so hard to say what you mean
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Re: Why it’s so hard to say what you mean
#12It seems the author may be on the verge of discovering vulnerability and openness. Opening yourself to others brings connection, empathy, humility, sincerity, and growth. It does a good job of getting rid of the last vestiges of TFA’s I-V, too. Of course, it can also be scary, but the rewards are tremendous.
Any material you’d recommend on this topic? It’s a topic that I’ve been thinking about a lot to try and reform myself from being such a people pleaser.
Re: Why it’s so hard to say what you mean
#13[flagged]
Re: Why it’s so hard to say what you mean
#14Your title really sounds more like "I still haven't figured out what I should do with my life: Why I find it hard to sincerely debate what I think my values and aspirations should be".
That's ok. Life is not an exam and you're not being graded. Not unless you consent to be, and certainly not against other people's criteria, figure out your own. When you say "performative" and "vicarious", sounds like you're afraid to articulate what you think might interest you. Douglas Adams, Mike Rowe, Sean Aiken ("The One-Week Job Project: One Man, One Year, 52 Jobs") etc. tried out a ton of stuff before they eventually found their calling.
For example, recast "II. my experiment with TFA" to "what I expected about the job, career, teaching, my aptitude, my motivations" vs "what I learned about each of those". If you want to update that section, I think people would be interested in rereading the details. Looking forward, how can you now apply what you've learned about all of that? Let your glass be half-full on that. Each of us has had experiences we were unsuited for, that's part of life, just don't become paralysed with analysis, too much analysis is as bad as none at all. (TFA famously has low retention rate, for multiple reasons, btw.)
Re: Why it’s so hard to say what you mean
#15Recommendation for anybody who is in the place the article describes: the book "What to say after you say hello."
Re: Why it’s so hard to say what you mean
#16Um . . . it's not. It's just hard to understand what all those allistic people mean. Why do they say false things all the time and why is that socially normal? How is falsehood the acceptable norm but not truth? Things like this article try to construct frameworks for the falsehoods. Boo! Boo! /self throws rotten tomatoes Boo!
It's pretty wild how few people say what they mean, and as a result people will end up trying to parse what you're saying for anything but face value.
slightly contrived example: if I ask someone if they would like to go to the beach they'll probably assume I want to go to the beach. As opposed to what I meant to say and actually said. I mean sure, fine, fair enough, if that question is code for "I would like to go to the beach" then I can deal with that. But how am I then supposed to ask if you would like to go? maybe I'm ambivalent but would be okay with going if you would like to.
Now the above example is fairly harmless, but add in a lot of bullshit around people trying to parse emotions from sentences and you can see how this gives autistic people a lot of trouble.
Re: Why it’s so hard to say what you mean
#17Um . . . it's not. It's just hard to understand what all those allistic people mean. Why do they say false things all the time and why is that socially normal? How is falsehood the acceptable norm but not truth? Things like this article try to construct frameworks for the falsehoods. Boo! Boo! /self throws rotten tomatoes Boo!
It's pretty wild how few people say what they mean, and as a result people will end up trying to parse what you're saying for anything but face value. slightly contrived example: if I ask someone if they would like to go to the beach they'll probably assume I want to go to the beach. As opposed to what I meant to say and actually said. I mean sure, fine, fair enough, if that question is code for "I would like to go t…
Also, non-autistic people (apparently called "allistic"? TIL).
My partner does this exact same thing. I'm never able to find out what she wants to do, because any such question becomes reinterpreted by her as a "he must want to do this, so I must say what I think he expects me to say" game.
Re: Why it’s so hard to say what you mean
#18Um . . . it's not. It's just hard to understand what all those allistic people mean. Why do they say false things all the time and why is that socially normal? How is falsehood the acceptable norm but not truth? Things like this article try to construct frameworks for the falsehoods. Boo! Boo! /self throws rotten tomatoes Boo!
Allistic? You mean "normal"? They can reflect others in their mind and see how their words change those reflections. Some take it too far and their inner world is a room with mirrored walls: they see many reflections of reflections, distorted by warped mirrors and they make their speech look straight in those reflections. The result is a tall pile of lies. Autists, on the other hand, have a brick wall in place of the mirror, so they talk to others as if they talk to a brick wall.
Re: Why it’s so hard to say what you mean
#19Earlier quoted context omitted.
It's pretty wild how few people say what they mean, and as a result people will end up trying to parse what you're saying for anything but face value. slightly contrived example: if I ask someone if they would like to go to the beach they'll probably assume I want to go to the beach. As opposed to what I meant to say and actually said. I mean sure, fine, fair enough, if that question is code for "I would like to go t…
Also, non-autistic people (apparently called "allistic"? TIL). My partner does this exact same thing. I'm never able to find out what she wants to do, because any such question becomes reinterpreted by her as a "he must want to do this, so I must say what I think he expects me to say" game.
What about asking "what do you want to do" instead of suggesting an activity? The partner here is making reasonable guesses anyway, they are not misinterpreting, they are just not stupid.
They assume you are not setting up the following conversation:
- Would you like to go to beach? - Yes, I would love to! - I am really opposed to the idea!
Re: Why it’s so hard to say what you mean
#20Um . . . it's not. It's just hard to understand what all those allistic people mean. Why do they say false things all the time and why is that socially normal? How is falsehood the acceptable norm but not truth? Things like this article try to construct frameworks for the falsehoods. Boo! Boo! /self throws rotten tomatoes Boo!
Consider maybe it's as hard for them to tell the complete truth as it is for you to lie or obfuscate. A little empathy goes a long way. And despite stereotypes, neuroatypical people are capable of it.
The most annoying for me on these theories is that autistic are not more truthful nor more objective. They exaggerate, they say misleading things or just completely confuse own opinion/feeling with objective truth.