The End of Love

Well, you could have started a legitimate conversation here about commitment or gender roles or whatever it is "blackpilled" means. With a genuinely diplomatic attitude and some nuance in your presentation you can broach most topics on here without getting too many downvotes.

Sounds like a Seinfeld plot for one of Jerry's relationships. Bet this lady also goes "Sorry, I just don't see it working out. Not with your green bubbles."

> One recent man had a lot going for him. In fact he was the most promising prospect I’d had in some time. But then he mentioned that he got his daily coffee from Starbucks, and I found it hard to imagine dating someone who liked Starbucks coffee; or even if they liked the coffee, didn’t find Starbucks so odious and soul-diminishingly ubiquitous they would never go there. I judged this a stupid reason to stop messaging him, given his other, surely more important qualities, so I continued messaging him. But then he said he mostly watched Marvel movies, and the combination of Starbucks and Marvel was too much, so I stopped messaging him, even though I judged my own judgment in this case to be ridiculously shallow and flimsy. If he hadn’t been American, I might have excused it or interpreted it differently. Or if I had met him in another context, his consumer tastes might have barely figured in my estimation of him. But he was just an overeducated, emotionally available American, with many winsome attributes and poor taste in coffee and movies; I myself didn’t even understand why I lost interest in him, and recognized it was a bug in my programming, rather than anything to do with him. Or perhaps, the obvious ominous thought goes, it wasn’t a bug but an actual feature of the programming—not mine, but the app’s.

Clearly she puts in effort by going to dates. But she’s not developing her own psychology enough. She had to fight this tooth and nail and gone on a few more dates with him. Her issue is that she thinks she can predict what a relationship will be like with him and that Marvel and Starbucks would be too bad as an experience. (Edit: not entirely accurate but typing on phone)

More gratitude needed, more optimism needed

Dating apps aren’t the problem it’s her mindset.

Note: I go on dates 1.5 times per week myself, on average. I’m having a blast. I’m no casanova, in most cases it ends in the friendzone. I recently met one person though that might be something more and she lives on another continent. It helps that I am a digital nomad.

But yea, lots of effort but not in the right place. IMO dating needs to be strategic for certain people (like the author) and she has no strategy on being grateful and accepting flaws, or so it seems.

There was a TED talk once on a woman who hacked online dating for herself. She should do more of that.

Dating takes a lot of effort for some (me as well). Roll with it and create something beautiful. In my case I need to have a thick skin in being okay with rejection. In her case, her filters are set too tight (emotionally).

time for arguments is over.

At the end, she describes what computer scientists call the Fussy Suitor problem, without naming it. Ah, but the Fussy is the problem, mostly. She has a lot of very weird bits. She keeps talking about dating "people" but she only mentions men -- are there women in there or not? She's got some kidding on the square about men's heights in the end. Going to Israel, becoming Jewish, and getting IVF smacks of geographic panic. The Starbucks bit, I just don't know how to respond to that except that she's self-aware enough to know that this is a counterproductive behavior but she just won't try to work herself out of it -- radical self-acceptance means that your flaws get to drive sometimes, too. And then there's the occupation: developing television and film projects about abortion. That's ... really hyperfocused. I'm not sure how many stories about abortion I'd want to tell and shepherd through the process of becoming visual media for a larger audience.

No doubt, dating is hard. But here we have someone who is literally making it harder than it must be, squandering her chances, full "Hazy Shade of Winter" style ("See what's become of me / While I looked around for my possibilities"). It's self-indulgent self-torment, and it makes Sartre look like he threw in two people too many into the famous play. It's certainly the end of love for her. Whew.