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How we turned the tables to catch my sister’s Bumble stalker

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Re: How we turned the tables to catch my sister’s Bumble stalker

#11

Post by crindy »

ceejayoz wrote: post #7
ketzo wrote: post #3

Maybe obvious, but uh: don’t fucking do this! I get it, I'm an older brother, I would wanna go ballistic too. But the fact that these guys skipped over "notify the police" and went straight to "seek out in-person confrontation" is insane! Stalkers are not people in their right mind. Staking out and planning to “citizen’s arrest”(???) someone who has repeatedly visited late at night to threaten and harass is NOT SAFE…

The problem is the cops tend not to give a shit.

That doesn't seem to be the case in this story

Re: How we turned the tables to catch my sister’s Bumble stalker

#12

Post by bigpeach »

ketzo wrote: post #3

Maybe obvious, but uh: don’t fucking do this! I get it, I'm an older brother, I would wanna go ballistic too. But the fact that these guys skipped over "notify the police" and went straight to "seek out in-person confrontation" is insane! Stalkers are not people in their right mind. Staking out and planning to “citizen’s arrest”(???) someone who has repeatedly visited late at night to threaten and harass is NOT SAFE…

I thought this too. But you can feel incredibly powerless if all you do is “let the police handle it.” Even in this instance, nothing would have come of it had they not traced the guy. Prosecution of crime happens after a crime is committed. Cops can’t do much if you’re worried someone will harm you or a loved one. Even if stalking is illegal, cops won’t / can’t feasibly spend the resources investigating and punishing stalkers. Even prosecuting sexual assault (ie. after a serious crime has been committed) is extremely difficult.

What actually effective steps can you take if someone is harassing a female in your life? Speaking from personal experience, the lip service of “cops are there to protect you” is inadequate. It didn’t provide any safety, and I can’t see how, structurally, it even could.

Re: How we turned the tables to catch my sister’s Bumble stalker

#13

Post by AnIdiotOnTheNet »

ketzo wrote: post #3

Maybe obvious, but uh: don’t fucking do this! I get it, I'm an older brother, I would wanna go ballistic too. But the fact that these guys skipped over "notify the police" and went straight to "seek out in-person confrontation" is insane! Stalkers are not people in their right mind. Staking out and planning to “citizen’s arrest”(???) someone who has repeatedly visited late at night to threaten and harass is NOT SAFE…

It is hilarious that you think the police would give a shit.

Re: How we turned the tables to catch my sister’s Bumble stalker

#14

Post by andrewflnr »

ketzo wrote: post #3

Maybe obvious, but uh: don’t fucking do this! I get it, I'm an older brother, I would wanna go ballistic too. But the fact that these guys skipped over "notify the police" and went straight to "seek out in-person confrontation" is insane! Stalkers are not people in their right mind. Staking out and planning to “citizen’s arrest”(???) someone who has repeatedly visited late at night to threaten and harass is NOT SAFE…

Possibly different in Scotland? They mention at least making an effort to figure out the laws that apply to them.

Re: How we turned the tables to catch my sister’s Bumble stalker

#15

Post by AnIdiotOnTheNet »

Pepe1vo wrote: post #5

Truly, what compels a person to do such a thing? I too have struggled heavily with depression in the past, but I've never once felt the urge to repeatedly vandalize anyone's property. Like, I just don't understand what's to gain.

Sometimes it isn't about gaining anything so much as just wanting the satisfaction making someone else suffer.

Re: How we turned the tables to catch my sister’s Bumble stalker

#16

Post by genderwhy »

Pepe1vo wrote: post #5

Truly, what compels a person to do such a thing? I too have struggled heavily with depression in the past, but I've never once felt the urge to repeatedly vandalize anyone's property. Like, I just don't understand what's to gain.

I'm not an expert, but my understanding is that the normal levels of inhibitions and reading social cues aren't present in many stalking cases. There is a belief that if they are just persistent enough, their target will see their attempts as affection and fall head over heals for them.

Fundamentally, I believe we need to do more for people like this. Safety nets and mental health and, if needed, in patient care. Would this have happened if the person had access to excellent therapy, medication, and support? Maybe, maybe not, but I would like to think that it would happen a whole lot less.

Re: How we turned the tables to catch my sister’s Bumble stalker

#17

Post by ketzo »

bigpeach wrote: post #12
ketzo wrote: post #3

Maybe obvious, but uh: don’t fucking do this! I get it, I'm an older brother, I would wanna go ballistic too. But the fact that these guys skipped over "notify the police" and went straight to "seek out in-person confrontation" is insane! Stalkers are not people in their right mind. Staking out and planning to “citizen’s arrest”(???) someone who has repeatedly visited late at night to threaten and harass is NOT SAFE…

I thought this too. But you can feel incredibly powerless if all you do is “let the police handle it.” Even in this instance, nothing would have come of it had they not traced the guy. Prosecution of crime happens after a crime is committed. Cops can’t do much if you’re worried someone will harm you or a loved one. Even if stalking is illegal, cops won’t / can’t feasibly spend the resources investigating and punishin…

Yeah, but like... they didn't even "let the police handle it." They just went straight to "late-night stakeout."

> Cops can’t do much if you’re worried someone will harm you or a loved one.

You're right, and that would be a scary situation... if they didn't have more than enough evidence for the police to get involved. Repeated, late-night visits to leave threatening messages would be plenty for a restraining order in the U.S., or at the very least to spur further police investigation.

> What actually effective steps can you take if someone is harassing a female in your life?

In this case, her brothers could have taken turns driving home from work with her, walking her to her car, sleeping over at her place, while they waited for police to proceed with investigation. They could have helped her get connected with a self-defense course, or bought her mace (depending on legality).

Stalkers/harassers can make people feel extremely helpless, and yes, there are a lot of really horrible situations where cops are useless despite an obvious threat.

This... is not one of those situations.

Re: How we turned the tables to catch my sister’s Bumble stalker

#18

Post by entwife »

ketzo wrote: post #3

Maybe obvious, but uh: don’t fucking do this! I get it, I'm an older brother, I would wanna go ballistic too. But the fact that these guys skipped over "notify the police" and went straight to "seek out in-person confrontation" is insane! Stalkers are not people in their right mind. Staking out and planning to “citizen’s arrest”(???) someone who has repeatedly visited late at night to threaten and harass is NOT SAFE…

Hi, Where I live the police won't get seriously involved unless someone is injured or dead. I prefer not to wait that long.

Re: How we turned the tables to catch my sister’s Bumble stalker

#19

Post by ketzo »

AnIdiotOnTheNet wrote: post #13
ketzo wrote: post #3

Maybe obvious, but uh: don’t fucking do this! I get it, I'm an older brother, I would wanna go ballistic too. But the fact that these guys skipped over "notify the police" and went straight to "seek out in-person confrontation" is insane! Stalkers are not people in their right mind. Staking out and planning to “citizen’s arrest”(???) someone who has repeatedly visited late at night to threaten and harass is NOT SAFE…

It is hilarious that you think the police would give a shit.

We have no way of knowing if they would have given a shit, because they literally didn't even try before planning a late-night stakeout.

Yeah, cops can be really shitty about domestic violence and harassment.

But, uh, as opening statements go, it's hard to do much stronger than:

"Hello officer! I have video evidence of masked guy repeatedly visiting at night to write threatening messages on the car of a woman living alone"

Re: How we turned the tables to catch my sister’s Bumble stalker

#20

Post by ceejayoz »

crindy wrote: post #11
ceejayoz wrote: post #7

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The problem is the cops tend not to give a shit.

That doesn't seem to be the case in this story

> my sister updated the police on our significant evidence haul and the police agreed that they had enough to at least arrest him and question him

There’s no evidence the cops would have acted on just a complaint. Anecdotally, I know several people who’ve struggled to get the cops to take stalking seriously.

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