Loving Someone with Depression

> Your partner might see a therapist, and because of the nature of therapy, might be nudged into blaming you for all their woes.

What about the possibility that the depressed person might have suddenly stopped seeking help from their therapist/ stopped taking their medication? That seems important to mention in your list-- IIRC at least the latter is actually a symptom of some types of depression.

How do you manage the side-effects (especially weight gain) from quatiepine? My best wishes to you.

Thank you for sharing. That takes a lot of courage, and it is very helpful to hear a story like this with a positive outcome.

Living with me is quite difficult since I am suicidal a lot.

One of the biggest hells of depression for me is that I have been through more than enough therapy that I can "view myself" from the outside.

I can rerun conversations in my head that I have had many times in therapy that are meant to enlighten me and show me that my reasoning and thoughts are abnormal and even what it should be instead.

The hell is that I can establish this from an "objective" observer but I cannot change how I am. I cannot stop what goes inside my head. If I could, I would have done so a long f.. time ago.

It all works out to torture me even more.

My recommendations for people I interact with:

1. Dont give me advice on how to get better. Whatever you want to say, I have heard it a million times. If you were to produce a novel idea it wont help. (99,999999% sure).

2. Dont tell me to [grow up, get over myself, change my attitude, go for a walk,... etc] You are completely right in what you are saying. I know this. But like I said the hell is not being able to act o it.

3. Dont be condescending. I am not a 5 year old child I am not mentally retarded. Speaking slow or loud wont help. under all the layers my brain is still firing, dont presume I am a moron. {This actually happens a lot]

4. Dont ask if I want to talk about it. I dont. Because I know it does not make any rational sense. Thus confirming it is not and feeling judged by it.

   However, sometimes I really need to talk, rant, curse, 
   So if you can take it, let me talk when I need to about it.
   Most people cannot take it. (Not their fault in any way)

5. Utterly loud music. For me something extremely aggressive. Headphones do not work. As Lemmy sings:

       --Only way to feel the noise is when it's good and loud
       --On your feet you feel the beat, it goes straight to your spine

    I have to be able to really feel it. 
    I have the ability to do so. 
    It is one of the few things that quiets down my brain a bit. 
    Aligns it. 

    However, I know my neighbors, people across the street, people
    above and below, do not at all feel the same way. 
    So even though it helps, I cannot do that. 
    Another f... me. 
    I wish I lived in the woods, or I could afford to soundproof my living
    room. Given cheap apartment construction, I am not sure if it is possible,
    if it is, it would take up so much space that there is nothing left.
    All I need is to build a room inside my room and suspend it somehow
    and ensure that there is a layer of absolute vacuum encompassing it.
    Easy.   

6. Sometimes I get locked in and I cannot make a decision one something. A subtle iteration of non-horrible possibilities is helpful when done right but it is asking a lot from another human being.

    I am hungry, but I dont know what to eat. 
    Everything is bleak anyways and everything sucks. 
    Then a few minutes out, I am hungry (rinse and repeat).
    I can get stuck in this for hours inside my head. 
    
    Having someone who knows me go over some non-horrible ideas and 
    helping me think they are plausible helps me. 
    (but taxing for whoever does it).

7. When something eventually brings about the need for suicide as an imminent and positive idea. It is hell for everyone and its nearly impossible to handle.

     I mean I can again understand it.  
     Seeing someone you care about potentially killing themselves 
     in a couple of minutes puts a stress on anyone.  

     "Dont do it, I love you, dont . "

     I dont have any general advice for it. 

I have pushed away the people in my life. I live alone. There is no one I can call, except the ambulance. See it has lasted for years. Decades.

People get fed up, tired, and move on, as they should. Staying, esp over time is insane and not something you can ask of another human.

I have dogs. Rescue dogs. They are the only reason I am still on the Internet. They impose a structure in my life. They need walks, they need food, they need .. etc. I still manage to think that they have a decent life with me. I dont have anyone who could take them where I knew they would have a better life. They never bullshit me. They dont get angry at my bullshit. They always appreciate interactions and can cuddle for hours.

Depression can also manifest in different ways. One way is anger, frustration, and anxiety. My wife’s depression was like this. She would come home from work, find one thing wrong with our apartment - there were dirty dishes in the sink, the clothes hadn’t been folded - and get angry with me for not having taken care of it.

The fact that I had cooked dinner and mopped the floors didn’t count.

She was angry with me probably 33-50% of the time. For about a year I tried to get out ahead of all the chores. But that’s impossible. Finally I realized that this wasn’t my fault. I wasn’t a bad partner. This was something in her head.

I could actually watch in real time as her own brain gaslit her. I’d pay her a compliment — “that dress looks nice” — and see a perceptible lag as her brain figured out how to turn it into an insult — “your other dresses aren’t nice.”

Eventually she recognized something was wrong and got help, but it took a couple of years. She is a completely different person now.

If you are the partner of a depressed person, your primary responsibility is to yourself. You have to stay sane. THEN, if you can, you can support and help your partner. But if you lose your own mental health you’re pretty much done.