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People that think you’re an asshole

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Re: People that think you’re an asshole

#11

Post by watwut »

Blikkentrekker wrote: post #6
BayAreaEscapee wrote: post #5

When you're twenty, you worry about what people think. When you're forty, you don't care what people think. And when you're sixty, you realize that nobody was thinking about you in the first place.

I really do not find that a man starts to care less about what others think of him as he ages at all. Rather, I find it is that adults rule the conformance games that adolescents and teenagers play are “silly” all the while partaking in their own, which are of course not silly, but rather how one should conform and teenagers are wrong for not conforming to those ideals. Consider that the parent who berates his child…

> Consider that the parent who berates his child for smoking marihuana to be part of his clique will the next day consume alcohol at his office party, as to not be left out.

I don't think this is good example. I dont want my kids to drink alcohol yet. When I do drink alcohol, it is really not so that "I am not left out". Pretty much all office parties I have been at had bunch of people who were not drinking in them.

And marihuana has added effect of being illegal in many places.

And if your kid is smoking it so that the kid fits, it absolutely makes sense to treat it as issue. Regardless of whether you sometimes drink alcohol at office party.

Re: People that think you’re an asshole

#12

Post by watwut »

BayAreaEscapee wrote: post #5

When you're twenty, you worry about what people think. When you're forty, you don't care what people think. And when you're sixty, you realize that nobody was thinking about you in the first place.

> When you're forty, you don't care what people think.

I assure you that 40 years old do care about what people think. Partly, because people are simply wired that way, that is why we are social animals instead of solitary ones.

But the other is that it matters. What people think about you influences how they treat you, what they tell you and what chances they give you. It makes difference between being listened to and being ignored.

Re: People that think you’re an asshole

#13

Post by paulpauper »

there is no content here. I wish she had said more

Being an asshole is not the worst thing you can be. A lot of famous, successful people who are well liked have somewhat asshole qualities. The thing you really do not want to be is an ignoramus--someone who is an asshole but with no redeeming qualities.

Re: People that think you’re an asshole

#15

Post by pashsdk27 »

wombatmobile wrote: post #9

It is good to not care what people think about you. And bad to act like an asshole. If you act nice, and don't care what people think about you, you can't lose, and most people will like to have you around. Assholes might still annoy you, but when that happens, your friends will help you to feel better.

It's hard to be nice when you feel that the others are exploiting you in some way. Even if you can empathize with their situation, sometimes you cannot sympathize enough to put their well being over your own (mainly in cases where the absolute difference between the relative importance of their needs to your own, in your opinion as per your beliefs, is small).

Well, I'm an antisocial shut-in so maybe this is a fringe opinion to have for our techno-monkey tribes. :))

Re: People that think you’re an asshole

#16

Post by [deleted] »

wombatmobile wrote: post #9

It is good to not care what people think about you. And bad to act like an asshole. If you act nice, and don't care what people think about you, you can't lose, and most people will like to have you around. Assholes might still annoy you, but when that happens, your friends will help you to feel better.

[deleted]

Re: People that think you’re an asshole

#18

Post by bonoboTP »

BayAreaEscapee wrote: post #5

When you're twenty, you worry about what people think. When you're forty, you don't care what people think. And when you're sixty, you realize that nobody was thinking about you in the first place.

It's a great "mind-bown" insight story, but just not true. People do judge each other and have opinions and put them in little mental boxes all the time. Impressions matter and can make or break your life. For example, anyone who used to be fat and then loses weight can attest that it matters what others think of you and they do think things. It's comfortable and uplifting and "wise" to say that nobody cares but they do. People assess their relative status and success all the time by comparing with others.

Now this doesn't mean you have to go crazy trying to satisfy everyone because you can't. People want contradictory things from you. You need to have your own moral or other principles to keep on track of a certain path in the face of rejection. But if everyone thinks you're an asshole, the answer isn't to just ignore everyone.

I think a better lesson is that it's better to have some haters and some who really like you than to have everyone be lukewarm about you and ignore you. The haters are no big issue unless they are really determined enemies, and the upside of the truly appreciative people is bigger. You can only get true deep connections if you accept the risk that some people won't like you. As long as you try to please everyone you won't really please anyone. See the story of the miller and his son.

Re: People that think you’re an asshole

#19

Post by _the_inflator »

BayAreaEscapee wrote: post #5

When you're twenty, you worry about what people think. When you're forty, you don't care what people think. And when you're sixty, you realize that nobody was thinking about you in the first place.

I experienced this first hand on our high school reunion party. Zero people remembered my most awkward or embarrassing moments - only I did. The only thing they cared about was themselves. I was totally stunned. They had a completely different picture of me.

Then it damned on me: I couldn't really remember any other awkward nor embarrassing moments by others. All I cared about was I.

Relief. :D

Re: People that think you’re an asshole

#20

Post by tsujp »

Shugarl wrote: post #2

Isn't this state of mind kind of dangerous ? Like a self fulfilling prophecy?

Not caring what others think of you isn't the same as actively trying to screw others over or just being rude if that's what you're alluding at (I'm guessing). For example, "not caring what others think" and just cutting in-front of a queue is an objectively dick move. So in that sense, yes it's self fulfilling (but this is not what "not caring what others think" means).

Perhaps a good example of a positive "not caring what others think" might be dancing however you want; you don't feel embarrassed because you're not a good dancer you just do whatever.

Perhaps another good example is Bob is a vegan and hates that you aren't; now you don't really care anymore and can focus on eating the food you want to. Flip the roles, Bob eats whatever he wants and hates that you're a vegan; you again don't care.

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