The demographic and cultural roots of the midlife crisis • Hacker News Board

Re: The demographic and cultural roots of the midlife crisis

#11

Post by beepboopbeep » Wed, Dec 16, 2020, 9:21 PM UTC

Swizec wrote: post #8

beepboopbeep wrote: post #6

I have a personal theory that we enter into a "crisis" of some sort roughly every 5 years. Essentially 1-2 years of definition/growth/change, 2 years-ish of normalcy post change, 1-2 years of redefinition as things become old and others become new/interesting. A perpetual cycle of shifting identity as we change internally and externally. I think it's a good thing to have and understand, but can be overwhelming as wel…

It’s the many lives theory! Taked about 7 years to focus on a thing effectively, leading to roughly 11 lives for most of us. https://www.smbc-comics.com/comic/2012-09-02

This is a great perspective on it, thank you! I'll be sending this around to a few folks

Re: The demographic and cultural roots of the midlife crisis

#12

Post by the_cat_kittles » Wed, Dec 16, 2020, 9:25 PM UTC

beepboopbeep wrote: post #6

I have a personal theory that we enter into a "crisis" of some sort roughly every 5 years. Essentially 1-2 years of definition/growth/change, 2 years-ish of normalcy post change, 1-2 years of redefinition as things become old and others become new/interesting. A perpetual cycle of shifting identity as we change internally and externally. I think it's a good thing to have and understand, but can be overwhelming as wel…

absolutely. the daily cycle, the weekly cycle, the quarterly cycle, the yearly cycle, and the 5-10 year cycle. i also have nothing but my own anecdotal evidence for this. i think its hard to realize that things that last for several years still do come to an end in many cases, their cycle is just slower. the fact that there isnt a term for the 5-10 year cycle is evidence that we are kinda blind to it.

Re: The demographic and cultural roots of the midlife crisis

#13

Post by resu_nimda » Wed, Dec 16, 2020, 9:28 PM UTC

beepboopbeep wrote: post #6

I have a personal theory that we enter into a "crisis" of some sort roughly every 5 years. Essentially 1-2 years of definition/growth/change, 2 years-ish of normalcy post change, 1-2 years of redefinition as things become old and others become new/interesting. A perpetual cycle of shifting identity as we change internally and externally. I think it's a good thing to have and understand, but can be overwhelming as wel…

I like to think in terms of "cycles" in a similar manner, except that there are multiple overlapping cycles of different periods (some closer to weekly/monthly), all summed together. On any given day you will be in a somewhat unique position. Basically a Fourier transform for your psyche.

Re: The demographic and cultural roots of the midlife crisis

#14

Post by standardUser » Wed, Dec 16, 2020, 9:34 PM UTC

While it's interesting to read about these concepts in the context of the time they were established (even if they do come off as hopelessly classist) I have always despised how they become conventional wisdom far beyond their shelf life. It compels people to ignore their unique life circumstances in favor of a shortcut explanation that may not apply to them at all. I've always been similarly wary of concepts like "rebound relationships" or "best years of your life". If we have a bunch of de-personalized frameworks to help explain the course of our own lives, it only moves us farther away from seeing our lives for what they really are. Maybe that relationship ended because you have attachment issues, not just because it happened to follow shortly after a different relationship. But if you and people around you write it off as just another classic "rebound", then you may miss out on the ability to learn something about yourself.

Re: The demographic and cultural roots of the midlife crisis

#15

Post by hinkley » Wed, Dec 16, 2020, 9:34 PM UTC

brundolf wrote: post #2

I'm in my late 20s, and already starting to feel some anxiety around the nearing conclusion of what could be called my "youth". But my therapist, in his forties, has experienced (and relayed to me) the "life begins at 40" philosophy (I didn't actually realize it was something other people said until I saw this article). It's not just wishful thinking for him: he felt that he didn't really figure out who he was, didn'…

As my friend’s parents put it, on the subject of adventures: At 40 you have the means to do many things, and the health to still do them.

I think it does require keeping an inventory of dreams and assets, if-this-then-that style, but I don’t think that has the form of a midlife crisis. Those are less calculated in nature and manner.

Re: The demographic and cultural roots of the midlife crisis

#16

Post by trianglem » Wed, Dec 16, 2020, 9:39 PM UTC

Tangentially related, but I think that there’s a real problem in western society around the teen years. Since corporal punishment is not allowed, parents tend to discipline their kids by attacking their self worth. This leads to a reliable pattern of teens “hating” their parents, a phenomenon that is non existent in the rest of the world especially Asia. This also leads to a huge disparity in what percentage of kids end up becoming successful adults even when all basic needs are met.

Re: The demographic and cultural roots of the midlife crisis

#17

Post by nitrogen » Wed, Dec 16, 2020, 9:53 PM UTC

trianglem wrote: post #16

Tangentially related, but I think that there’s a real problem in western society around the teen years. Since corporal punishment is not allowed, parents tend to discipline their kids by attacking their self worth. This leads to a reliable pattern of teens “hating” their parents, a phenomenon that is non existent in the rest of the world especially Asia. This also leads to a huge disparity in what percentage of kids…

Corporal punishment doesn't exactly prevent teens hating their parents, either.

The most violent instance I've seen (as opposed to experienced) was within a culture that has very high respect for elders. A 20-something guy's dad beat him repeatedly with a log (3" diameter with the rough bark on doesn't really count as a stick) because the 20-something said something mean to his (the 20-something's) wife. The 20-something needed some kind of reprimand, but I wouldn't accept that kind of violence in trade for higher "respect" for elders.

Re: The demographic and cultural roots of the midlife crisis

#18

Post by brundolf » Wed, Dec 16, 2020, 9:55 PM UTC

kkoncevicius wrote: post #5

brundolf wrote: post #2

I'm in my late 20s, and already starting to feel some anxiety around the nearing conclusion of what could be called my "youth". But my therapist, in his forties, has experienced (and relayed to me) the "life begins at 40" philosophy (I didn't actually realize it was something other people said until I saw this article). It's not just wishful thinking for him: he felt that he didn't really figure out who he was, didn'…

That might also be related to the occupation of your therapist - being, well, a therapist. Seems like almost everyone would choose an older person as their therapist; and conversely, hardly anyone, at, say 40 years old, would go see a 20 year old therapist. So their career really start taking off at maybe 40 and it steadily climbs up.

Maybe, though I don't think he's the type who sees his career as the first or second most important thing in his life

Re: The demographic and cultural roots of the midlife crisis

#19

Post by nonbirithm » Wed, Dec 16, 2020, 10:12 PM UTC

brundolf wrote: post #2

I'm in my late 20s, and already starting to feel some anxiety around the nearing conclusion of what could be called my "youth". But my therapist, in his forties, has experienced (and relayed to me) the "life begins at 40" philosophy (I didn't actually realize it was something other people said until I saw this article). It's not just wishful thinking for him: he felt that he didn't really figure out who he was, didn'…

As someone who is not yet 30 and is naive to the mindset of a 40-year-old, I get the impression that some people have it figured out sooner than others. Or if not having "the" thing figured out, have something at all figured out. This is dangerous for me because my mindset is that if I'm not spending most of my time on something, I will not be able to believe I'm "taking it seriously." From past experience, the end results of not spending enough time on what I did say as much. It is hard for me to leave my tunnel vision and see other things. (I have evidence this can be partially explained by a mental health diagnosis, but it isn't an excuse.)

As typical, this is probably amplified by social media. Look at people's Twitter bios and look at how many describing words they use. Artist. Musician. Writer. Livestreamer. Some of these people got started when they were not even teenagers. As a result it's difficult not to feel as if you haven't found the words you'd be comfortable putting in your own bio. Why label yourself as such and such if you don't feel like you deserve it yet? (At least not to the extent that you see people's best selves being portrayed in their feeds.)

But of course, ignoring comparisons to others, if those people found themselves there at some point, there would probablybe no reason not to write those words describing themselves. I end up believing I can only "find myself there" by deliberate action, not casually following a passion until you happen to arrive where you want. Everybody says memorable accomplishments require hard work.

Re: The demographic and cultural roots of the midlife crisis

#20

Post by UncleOxidant » Wed, Dec 16, 2020, 10:19 PM UTC

brundolf wrote: post #2

I'm in my late 20s, and already starting to feel some anxiety around the nearing conclusion of what could be called my "youth". But my therapist, in his forties, has experienced (and relayed to me) the "life begins at 40" philosophy (I didn't actually realize it was something other people said until I saw this article). It's not just wishful thinking for him: he felt that he didn't really figure out who he was, didn'…

Maybe your therapist can say life begins at 40 because for a therapist their career starts kicking into high gear at that point and really just keeps going upward until retirement. For a software developer your career can start heading downhill even before 40 - age seems to have no advantage (with regard to career stability) for software developers like it does for therapists, doctors and lawyers.