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Not Just Nuclear: Families are elders long buried and generations yet unborn

plough.com

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Re: Not Just Nuclear: Families are elders long buried and generations yet unborn

#11

Post by WarOnPrivacy »

I lament the pressure for US nuclear families to fissure apart. It may not be overt pressure but it's consistent, delivered in countless expectations (do job|college and move out|away) and assumptions (gone yet?)

My parents died when I was 14 & 21 respectively. Decades before, my dad moved my mom away so we grew up w/o any extended family nearby. When my first child was born, my wife and I were on our own - which would surprise zero Americans.

Objectively I was good parent and a terrible parent. With no ongoing guidance, the terrible wound up outweighing the good (because w/o exp, what we have are hunches, anecdotes and ill equipped reasoning). My kids and I will spend the rest of our lives repaving my bad roads. This result would have been different with extended family nearby and - critically - some on hand.

Some American ideals (eg:individualistic independence) come with an unreasonably high price. We would be a far better people if we elevated keeping 3+ generations together and normalized housing that would support that.

Re: Not Just Nuclear: Families are elders long buried and generations yet unborn

#12

Post by WarOnPrivacy »

strawberrypuree wrote: post #8
JKCalhoun wrote: post #7

I have become the self-appointed steward of the family photo archive after my aunt pulled a suitcase stuffed with photos out from under the bed in the spare room in her trailer. The suitcase's original owner, another aunt, "Aunt" Faye, had lived to be 103 years old but had never had children. And so I got to work scanning I believe over 500 photos — the earliest a tin-type from 1890 or so. Many were then cleaned up i…

I find your perspective and interest in your genealogy fascinating, primarily because I don’t share it. Like, not one bit, and I’m not sure why. If I found out tomorrow that my parents weren’t actually my parents and I was actually adopted, I would have no interest in finding my “real” parents. I’m also totally uninterested in having children — it seems like something other people are much better suited for and I’m h…

I felt the same way for most of the same reasons - plus other reasons like my father was about as bad a person as is possible. So I had not only disinterest but some reluctance to make sure I stayed disinterested.

In late 2017, I grudgingly promised a sibling to piece some of our extended family history together. In 2018 I found a lost sister on Ancestry. And then I found a cousin who pointed me to my last surviving aunt (who I visited in 2019 and who passed 6 weeks ago). I also reunited with another lost sister. The sisters and I talk most days.

By the end of this year I will have added about 10k names in Family Search and 15k-20k in Ancestry (w/ much overlapping). It's safe to say my interests changed. I'm not saying I think yours will. Certainly my genealogy numbers don't represent anything likely.

What I can say is that things change, sometimes unexpectedly.

Re: Not Just Nuclear: Families are elders long buried and generations yet unborn

#13

Post by kimjongtrill »

ponker wrote: post #10
john_moscow wrote: post #6

Keeping connection with the older generations and learning from them is important. But I don't think, nuclear families are about denying that. It's more about having enough space and freedom to see each other when you want it, but keeping off each other's backs and not letting the differences between the generations ruin your relations. I've grown up in a typical 3-generational Russian family sharing a rather small a…

We live in a 3 generational family sharing anything but a small apartment and it's absolutely wonderful. Us, the nuclear family, occupies the 3000 sqft house. My in-laws live in the guest house which is about 800 sqft. My parents live about a mile away. We see a lot of each other but everyone has their space.

That is 100% different from parent comment’s situation though...

Re: Not Just Nuclear: Families are elders long buried and generations yet unborn

#14

Post by [deleted] »

awinter-py wrote: post #5

In an old house there is always listening, and more is heard than is spoken. And what is spoken remains in the room, waiting for the future to hear it. And whatever happened begins in in the past, and presses hard on the future. The agony in the curtained bedroom, whether of birth or of dying, gathers into itself all the voices of the past, and projects them into the future.

[deleted]

Re: Not Just Nuclear: Families are elders long buried and generations yet unborn

#15

Post by 0ld »

ponker wrote: post #10
john_moscow wrote: post #6

Keeping connection with the older generations and learning from them is important. But I don't think, nuclear families are about denying that. It's more about having enough space and freedom to see each other when you want it, but keeping off each other's backs and not letting the differences between the generations ruin your relations. I've grown up in a typical 3-generational Russian family sharing a rather small a…

We live in a 3 generational family sharing anything but a small apartment and it's absolutely wonderful. Us, the nuclear family, occupies the 3000 sqft house. My in-laws live in the guest house which is about 800 sqft. My parents live about a mile away. We see a lot of each other but everyone has their space.

the parent comment was about a 3gen family sharing a (most likely) 17m^2 room in a 30-sh m^2 apartment, which was very common in the ussr. 6-7m^2 per person was even officially considered norm until middle 80s

Re: Not Just Nuclear: Families are elders long buried and generations yet unborn

#16

Post by ponker »

kimjongtrill wrote: post #13
ponker wrote: post #10

Earlier quoted context omitted.

We live in a 3 generational family sharing anything but a small apartment and it's absolutely wonderful. Us, the nuclear family, occupies the 3000 sqft house. My in-laws live in the guest house which is about 800 sqft. My parents live about a mile away. We see a lot of each other but everyone has their space.

That is 100% different from parent comment’s situation though...

Right, but my point is that “Living with parents” is a wildly different experience if you have enough space. Not a rebuttal, a different anecdote.

Re: Not Just Nuclear: Families are elders long buried and generations yet unborn

#19

Post by eptcyka »

ponker wrote: post #10
john_moscow wrote: post #6

Keeping connection with the older generations and learning from them is important. But I don't think, nuclear families are about denying that. It's more about having enough space and freedom to see each other when you want it, but keeping off each other's backs and not letting the differences between the generations ruin your relations. I've grown up in a typical 3-generational Russian family sharing a rather small a…

We live in a 3 generational family sharing anything but a small apartment and it's absolutely wonderful. Us, the nuclear family, occupies the 3000 sqft house. My in-laws live in the guest house which is about 800 sqft. My parents live about a mile away. We see a lot of each other but everyone has their space.

What's the annual household income in that situation?

Re: Not Just Nuclear: Families are elders long buried and generations yet unborn

#20

Post by yesenadam »

vinw wrote: post #18
sadfev wrote: post #17

What regressive Victorian era garbage is that?

Have a look at some of the other articles on that site, it is some people's idea of Christian values.

Hmm yeah.. first one I looked at "The Case for One More Child: Why Large Families Will Save Humanity" seems pretty insane - too many extremely wacky sentences to quote here.

https://www.plough.com/en/topics/life/parenting/the-case-for...

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