11–20 of 43 posts
Trust me, you're replaceable. If you can't find the motivation, take a vacation/sabbatical. If you still can't, leave out of consideration for the people who DO feel it's worth the battle.
Your friends are as employable as you are-- they can fend for themselves.
Do yourself and your friends a favor and get paid what you're worth, whether that means more equity and/or more responsibility. If you're worried about the fallout from your friends, as if your friends would shun you for pursuing your worth, check your premises.
What's this bull about everyone being replaceable? That sounds like something your "money holder" would say to try to keep your equity stake low. I left my last company because I didn't feel that I was being paid fairly in equity. It's an unfair and unfortunate situation to be in, but it's really your responsibility to shape up and demand what you deserve.
Good engineers make themselves replaceable by writing legible code. This sort of 'replaceability' is invaluable, and should lead to higher equity if anything.
There is almost always no way to repair your feelings at your current gig. This isn't a recent thing you are feeling, its the weight of months or years of exposure to toxic materials.
But look on the bright side, you can collect a paycheck while you find an awesome opportunity to move on. Apply everywhere. Take your time. Get a couple job offers. Quit. Take a month off before you new job.
Don't worry about your friends. They can get out on their own.
I've been through this as an engineer at a toxic startup myself.
The term "nervous breakdown" is an old-fashioned euphemism for a bout of depression. Treat it so you don't harm yourself. The factual statements you relate may indeed suggest leaving that company, but while your mood is that low, you may miss out on other ways to deal with the same facts--and you just might be misinterpreting or overinterpreting the facts. Talk to a friend to get a reality check on what you are think…
I repeat for emphasis: See a doctor. This is treatable.
Both for your own sanity and for the sake of getting some perspective on the whole matter. It's easy to say "take a step back and look at everything"; it's a lot harder to actually take that step.
As tokenadult said, this is probably depression. Have it treated by a psychiatrist and realize it's likely a chemical imbalance.
But better biochemistry doesn't necessarily produce better living/feeling.
Depressed emotional/behavior state biochemistry. [can spiral upward or downward together]
A psychologist/ licensed counselor / psychotherapist [ i.e., "talk therapy ] can be really important to help your cognitive processes, keep you on track with reality checks. "Meds" are not magic bullets, do not kick in immediately, and it may take several tries to find one that helps you. Meanwhile, if you don't have sufficiently supportive/sophisticated social network around you, it's important to pay for an experienced professional. Been there. Best of luck.
Your responsibility is to yourself and your family, not your company, not your boss, neither coworkers nor employees.
My recommendation is to be confident that one way or another you will find a better place. Be calm, but do not stay longer than you should have.
...and yes some people are assholes and they can bring down whole companies. Don't carry that on your shoulders.