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Ask HN: What is (is there something) wrong with me?

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Re: Ask HN: What is (is there something) wrong with me?

#11

Post by csomar »

If your business take off, drop of colleague. If your education will get you a $25K/year job and your side freelancing can make $70K, then leave. After all, colleague just increase the odds of getting a job and never guarantee one.

Your family is afraid because they don't know that little screen. That's their culture. But since you make money, it doesn't matter. If you make money and spend for your family expenses they won't really bother you and your choice will just be "their".

People in your social circle. They really don't care about you (okay, unless the old high school friend, may be one or two). Nobody really care whether you are a high school drop out or a ph.D. If you have money, you'll buy anything you can afford and you'll please yourself and your family with it. Don't care about what others say. Do they have an extensive Internet culture and knowledge to speak about decisions?

Take the most secure path. Think well before making decision not to regret later. Don't be afraid and don't care about what other people are saying.

Re: Ask HN: What is (is there something) wrong with me?

#12

Post by zaidf »

Hey man, I've been through pretty much everything you list here. Drop me an email if you'd like to talk. zaid.farooqui at gmail

I too found myself in the school's counseling center at 19, depressed, with assignments due, feeling physically and mentally ill. I got my idea for the next startup few days later and soon entered some of the best time of my life. A similar pattern repeated few months ago(I am now 23).

I too am Indian so I understand some of the "cool" things we inherit from our culture :) Happy to chat with you if you'd like and help you figure out how to get out of this crappy zone.

Re: Ask HN: What is (is there something) wrong with me?

#13

Post by wwortiz »

If you don't enjoy anything in mechanical engineering you should probably choose a different major or course for your life, if your college is cheap (if you are in India that probably isn't the case anymore) it is only another 3 or less years (maybe less if you change into civil or another engineering that has similar pre reqs). But if you enjoy a few subjects, like maybe vibrations or controls or mechanics, it might be worth it to stay and just apply or work your way to a job into that category.

I lost motivation in my ME classes as well and the best thing I did was cut down in course load, it gave me a break and was well worth it for an extra semester added on to the degree.

Other than that engineering coursework sucks, you do it because you like learning and you like solving problems, sometimes it takes extra time and sometimes you burn out but if it is what you want to do you keep at it. Just be aware that a single internship isn't necessarily what a job will be like.

I don't know how much help that all is but maybe something good will be in there.

Re: Ask HN: What is (is there something) wrong with me?

#14

Post by frankus »

skilesare wrote: post #7

Sounds like you need to fall in love. With a girl. Note: This will solve none of you problems. But it certainly won't be boring either. Additional note: Whoever convinced you that your life has a track and you need to figure it out did you a serious disservice. It is your life. Loving and serving those dear to you can be an amazing thing. You'll be no help to them if you are miserable.

Falling in love is best done when things are going well for you. Particularly since the median love interest won't work out.

And "with a girl" seems oddly specific. Assuming he's straight, he's probably not going to fall in love with a guy, and if he's gay, this is terrible advice. Or do you mean with a girl as opposed to a hobby, career, field, etc.?

Re: Ask HN: What is (is there something) wrong with me?

#16

Post by jwecker »

I have to agree with some of the other posters that the expectations you're butting up against are very likely complicating things drastically. "It’s so hard when I have to, and so easy when I want to." ~Annie Gottlier

The expectation to provide, the expectation to have more friends (possibly, obviously I'm reading into your comment), the expectation to follow-through with whatever you're currently doing...

Life is definitely supposed to be chaotic at this point on your journey- it's genetically built in- it allows you to do things no one has ever done before- it's a steady pull away from mediocrity. Some people let it pull them into prisons and homeless shelters, and others let it pull them into great things. What you're currently doing is basically trying to ignore it as best as you can.

It _will_ pass eventually- that pull to go out and chaotically find your own passion (note I'm not talking about being hedonistic or bumming around Europe - I'm talking about making things or doing things that you feel tap into your very best qualities and things that stretch them). Don't get to the point in your life where the drive to strike out in your own direction starts becoming silent only to think "well, why _didn't_ I?"

I've never met anyone that regretted trying to live life more fully (except for those with poor definitions of fully. Hint- if it feels wrong at a deep level it's a less fully lived life). Sooo.... Channel the urges, embrace the chaos, do something amazing. And, ironically, your family may be fine with the support you end up giving. Anyway, we're looking forward to what you can make of this.

Re: Ask HN: What is (is there something) wrong with me?

#17

Post by zaidf »

Arun2009 wrote: post #10
jacquesm wrote: post #4

It's going to be tough on you and your family, but tradition be damned, follow your own path, not the one set out for you. If this major doesn't interest you, if you can switch to one that does. To have these thoughts at your age is strange to me, you sound like someone imprisoned rather than a young person with their life ahead of them. Look after yourself first, then worry about looking after others, and don't take…

> As an Indian person you will have to probably over come a significant amount of resistance in order to even be allowed to attempt to chart your own path, but even that permission is not theirs to give. It's... not that easy. Most people would agree that parents have a duty to take care of their children. India has a value system where children are expected to reciprocate when they grow up. Parents sacrifice a great…

The relationship you choose to have with your parentw and the career path you choose to take are two very different things. You guys seem to be confusing the two.

The #1 concern of Indian parents is their values and their kids' success.

Your career path is simply one value. Many Indian parents want their kids to be engineers and doctors. You can try explaining them you're not interested in that. And finally, you can tell them to f-off and go do your own thing.

But does that mean you HAVE to abandon all your values? HELL no. I still believe that my parents have as much right to any wealth I created as I do. I still believe I need to care for my parents when they age. I still believe in many of our quirky customs. In fact, if you can reassure your parents that you still care for some of the values, it can lighten the air. Parents think that because you are going away from one of the values you are breaking away from all of them. It may be true. But not necessarily.

In my case, I told my parents that I wanted to take time off from school and move to San Francisco after I finished our summer at YC. My Dad was well primed about this. And yet, he could not come to terms with me actually doing this. So he asked "why do you want to goto San Francisco?". I was already upset and the general tone on the dinner table was pretty heated. I carelessly replied "because I feel like it." At the time, it came across as rude though I didn't mean it that way. Over time, my family understood the innocent nature of those words.

The next day and over time, it made a lot more sense to my family about where I was coming from. Likewise, at the time I did not understand my family's concerns. Over time, I did. I realized that I did not so much want to abandon all my values; that I still cared very deeply for my parents; and that my parents had some legit concerns.

Just because I want a career different than what my family wants does not mean there are deeper value differences. Oh, and when you are broke and need money, you can mostly count on your Indian parents to bail you out if they are slightly capable to:) Time. And again.

--Child of two Indian doctors

Re: Ask HN: What is (is there something) wrong with me?

#18

Post by daxelrod »

stevenp wrote: post #2

I'm not a therapist, but it seems to me that you should focus on what you're passionate about. It sounds like you're having a problem with other people (society, parents, etc.) telling you what's important in life and you're not buying into it. Good for you! It sounds like you're in the midst of a quarter-life crisis ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quarter-life_crisis ). Stop thinking that "what to do with your life"…

stevenp's response inspired me:

>Stop thinking that "what to do with your life" is a choice that you have to make.

Further, your major doesn't lock you into a particular career the rest of your life. One of my best CS mentors majored in film. He graduated, got a job in the film industry, and couldn't stand it. A friend gave him a job swapping backup tapes in a server room, and he got into computers from there.

Your experience with the job was a great way to find out a path that you don't want to head down. Don't think of it as a failure on your part.

>Instead of being paralyzed by feeling like you're being pressured to make choices, be excited that the world is open in front of you and you have the ability to do whatever you want, everyone else be damned.

It sounds to me like The Future is ruining your present. Instead of asking "What can I do to prepare myself for tomorrow?" ask "What can I do to make today better?"

Luckily, a college campus usually has tons of answers to that question, especially outside of classes. Go to one of those billboards plastered with announcements, and see if there's an event that strikes your interest. Then go to it! Student groups are a great way to dabble in all kinds of things without making a lifelong commitment to them. (If you still don't know what to pick, I find if I help others, my own problems mostly work themselves out.)

Living in the present isn't being irresponsible. It's taking care of yourself so that you're prepared for whatever comes in the future.

I should also note that counselling is far more effective if you continue to meet with the counselor on a regular basis. A counselor's main value isn't giving out advice, it's helping you to understand yourself differently. A good counselor isn't always easy to find, but if you think there's some hope, it may be worth a few sessions before you give up on them.

A lot of us have been where you are. Things will get better. And please do follow up with us. We care.

Re: Ask HN: What is (is there something) wrong with me?

#19

Post by csomar »

stevenp wrote: post #2

I'm not a therapist, but it seems to me that you should focus on what you're passionate about. It sounds like you're having a problem with other people (society, parents, etc.) telling you what's important in life and you're not buying into it. Good for you! It sounds like you're in the midst of a quarter-life crisis ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quarter-life_crisis ). Stop thinking that "what to do with your life"…

I just checked the list and almost 90% of the items apply for me. It all started at this part

_In the context of the quarter-life crisis, however, they occur shortly after a young person – usually an educated professional, in this context – enters the "real world".[1] After entering adult life and coming to terms with its responsibilities, some individuals find themselves experiencing career stagnation or extreme insecurity. The individual often realizes the real world is tougher, more competitive and less forgiving than she/he imagined._

So I think I'm facing a Quarter-Life crisis. I feel its' effect and it's really stressing at times. I'm 19 and 4 years away from graduation. When this crisis will end? Can I do something about it?

Re: Ask HN: What is (is there something) wrong with me?

#20

Post by brisance »

It's the "curse of the x0s"; people tend to take stock of their lives when they're near 20, 30, 40, 50 etc. and can be quite harsh with themselves during this period of time.

Have a look at Steve Jobs's Stanford commencement address on YouTube. The theme is "connect the dots".

  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UF8uR6Z6KLc
Are you still able to use the skills you picked up and make a decent living out of it? Why not develop that further?
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