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Married to someone with anxiety

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Re: Married to someone with anxiety

#11

Post by rublev »

Really glad this article was posted.

I have anxiety. No idea what to do about it. I just sit here locked in my apartment all day, haven't seen anyone in weeks. Moved a friend in next door, he's extremely loud, now I haven't seen him in weeks either. I just can't. I'm just an asshole sitting here with headphones on 14 hours a day and then sleeping completely locked in a prison of my own making. To walk into the kitchen and potentially hear them fucking or watching TV really loudly in their bedroom - it feels like what you're feeling is unreasonable, so then you start feeling guilty, except I can't help any of it. In my head it's like 'good for him! get laid buddy!' but what I feel is pure adrenaline and anger.

Sometimes when I wake up just right after a perfect sleep, hit my routine properly, get everything done, then I feel great, and can go out, and do things. But I have to feel extremely great, and it takes so much work to get there. And it only ever works rarely.

My heart rate is almost constantly 1.5x what it should be, like a consistent and constant adrenaline rush that no amount of pushups will get rid of. Any excessive or intrusive sounds sends my adrenaline to the roof and now I have to focus my energy on calming down to be able to work instead of actually working.

Very rarely there are small patches of time where there is no anxiety. I liken those moments to the moments Dostoevsky describes when he's not suffering from seizures.

The one thing I'm trying to avoid is telling people about it, I don't ever want to put someone in the position of "listen, my life is harder than yours because of X condition, so you need to adjust to me". I think that's gross. Like my loud friend. It's totally his right to be loud, and it's unfair to him that someone like me lives next door. But now he has to feel neglected from my lack of contact, which just brings me more guilt. Then at some point we're going to have to talk about it, at which point I can either lie to make him feel better or tell him what's actually up and potentially lower his quality of life and instill in him a similar amount of anxiety. Then we both lose. Pity is one of the worst feelings ever and I really don't wish to invite it into my life.

>All of these things helped but we were not living — we were surviving in a world where anxiety had taken over.

Exactly, it's just surviving. Dead time, unenjoyed. I am very lucky to have recently met a girl that takes the time to ask questions and explore and talk without judgement and assumptions and it's been the most wonderful experience of my life so far. I've never had that, so initially it was very difficult to trust. The first few months it was a mental loop of "Why would this person ever talk to me much less try to help me?". I lucked out huge though.

edit: Wow is what I'm typing really that foreign to some of you? I should probably look into this more. Thank you everyone who replied and OP for the article.

Re: Married to someone with anxiety

#12

Post by brookside »

mrcarlosrendon wrote: post #6

Thanks for sharing. I think its important to discuss mental health issues openly. They have a huge impact on our lives and are quite common (NAMI says 1 in 5), yet we tend as a society to shy away from talking about it and tend to have strange beliefs (they are just a negative person, they should just get over it, their thoughts will be contagious). I think many people never get the help they need because they aren't…

But a depressed person often is a negative person, and moods can spread. Think about working for a boss who is miserable and passes that feeling down onto people who work for her. If that boss goes to to a psychiatrist/therapist because she is having trouble getting along with the people in her life, that psychiatrist/therapist will likely say she depressed, never diagnose her as being a "negative person" which is also a true assessment, and how people working with her would describe her.

I'm happy to be open about mental health issues. I have had enough negative experiences with, and read broadly enough about the theory behind psychotherapy to have come to my own conclusion that it makes about as sense as most dogmatic religions (very little).

Re: Married to someone with anxiety

#13

Post by arghIdontwantto »

thro32 wrote: post #4

I was married to such person for 8 years. I physically aged 40 years, and I got gray hair. My best advice is to get out NOW if you can. Maybe things are working out now, but you are barely floating. Add normal family life into picture: children, job loss, some injury, any sort of accident... and you will sink to bottom faster than a stone.

Not sure why you are being downvoted. It may seem crass, but it is true. In the last 6-7 years I seem to have mentally and physically aged twice as much if not more. WE are still together but honestly, I don't think I can handle this much more to the point I'm getting depressed as well (suicide thoughts)

Re: Married to someone with anxiety

#14

Post by markharris99 »

thro32 wrote: post #4

I was married to such person for 8 years. I physically aged 40 years, and I got gray hair. My best advice is to get out NOW if you can. Maybe things are working out now, but you are barely floating. Add normal family life into picture: children, job loss, some injury, any sort of accident... and you will sink to bottom faster than a stone.

I upvoted you. Please do not downvote, if you have never been with someone who is seeking specialised help with anxiety issues. You simply don't realise the enormity of the problem.

I was with someone who had very very high anxiety issues. She also had ADHD and I'm sure some other disorders. She was on lexipro, lorazepam, clonazepam, diazepam, zoloft and other medications.

Thankfully I was with this person for just 1 year.

I was able to get out, but at such cost to my own mental health. Even after 6 years, I still don't have my own pieces together. It's like they say, once something has broken. You just can't put it back together the way it was.

> My best advice is to get out NOW

Best advice ever. You have my admiration if you are able to work it out and have an understanding partner. Unfortunately, I did not have an understanding partner. Even though, I moved heaven and earth to be there for her in every way, it just was not enough.

Although I should be saying, I hope she finds happiness. Except, I really feel bad for the guy she is with now. As her baggage is enormous. Instead, I hope she is getting the professional help she needs!

Re: Married to someone with anxiety

#16

Post by 11thEarlOfMar »

A lifetime of anxiety usually results in the sufferer developing a set of coping mechanisms that are typically not healthy, and can include drug use, raging, cutting, seclusion, social restriction or other self-harm.

One possible line of therapy is Dielectical Behavior Therapy[1], which works to teach the sufferer to re-cast their emotional responses to daily events, see them more objectively and find healthy coping methods.

[1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dialectical_behavior_therapy

Re: Married to someone with anxiety

#17

Post by epx »

thro32 wrote: post #4

I was married to such person for 8 years. I physically aged 40 years, and I got gray hair. My best advice is to get out NOW if you can. Maybe things are working out now, but you are barely floating. Add normal family life into picture: children, job loss, some injury, any sort of accident... and you will sink to bottom faster than a stone.

Gets better when she has an issue but does not admit it, and when he has an issue, he is just "inventing" it, because you know, men are privileged and can't have problems?

Re: Married to someone with anxiety

#18

Post by thro32 »

I had to deal with something similar, and I think I would add a few practical advices (outside of my other advice):

- if psychotherapy does now work in first 3 months, than problem is somewhere else

- check sugar levels, diabetes.. it is often misdiagnosed with psychiatric problems

- if she has paralyzing fear, you should talk to good psychiatrist and get medication. Be careful what motivations he/she has, he might try to sell you expensive doses for long term.

- we had good experience with psychiatrist outside US. Most consulting was over skype

- MRI, blood test... usual general tests. Anxiety can be result of infection, head concussion...

- Phenibut is quick & cheap solution to anxiety and sleep problems. No side effects, but you develop resistance fast, so it can be used only once a week. It takes edge-off before proper solution is found.

Re: Married to someone with anxiety

#19

Post by thro32 »

epx wrote: post #17
thro32 wrote: post #4

I was married to such person for 8 years. I physically aged 40 years, and I got gray hair. My best advice is to get out NOW if you can. Maybe things are working out now, but you are barely floating. Add normal family life into picture: children, job loss, some injury, any sort of accident... and you will sink to bottom faster than a stone.

Gets better when she has an issue but does not admit it, and when he has an issue, he is just "inventing" it, because you know, men are privileged and can't have problems?

I am giving advice against starting family with someone, who can barely take care of themselves.

Re: Married to someone with anxiety

#20

Post by benmarks »

Anxiety disorder just sucks, because there's no way to rationalize it or the depression that often engenders.

It's fortunate that this couple were able to figure out what was happening and can now talk about this openly. Normalizing the open discussion of mental illness is key to helping so many people who currently suffer in silence.

There is a nonprofit initiative in the tech world which encourages open discussion for this purpose: Open Sourcing Mental Illness [1]. I've been privileged to share my story of Generalized Anxiety Disorder with tech audiences in the run-up to this being launched, and I've heard so many humbling stories from others. It is having a positive impact, and I hope others will see the initiative or the presentations and feel that they can discuss what's happening with them or make it clear that others should feel okay to talk about their experiences.

Above all: if you are in pain, in worry, in doubt, etc., please reach out for help. The difference between silent suffering and a life enjoyed can start there.

[1]: https://osmihelp.org/

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