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Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person

nytimes.com

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Re: Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person

#11

Post by gumby »

kazinator wrote: post #5

> The good news is that it doesn’t matter if we find we have married the wrong person. Yes, it does! OMG, this so laughably wrong. (The whole article.) Who you marry is a big, big determiner of happiness. It's better to be single than to marry the wrong person.

> It's better to be single than to marry the wrong person

For some people. The path you like is not necessarily optimal for me.

Many marriages survive on companionship and familiarity.

My great grandparents were married for almost 90 years (Indian arranged kid marriage) and they were both centenarians. They seemed happy enough (but how could I tell as a kid). Maybe some of the things they lived through (e.g. two wars) seemed like bigger deals than the (inevitable) conflicts in their marriage?

Re: Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person

#12

Post by hackaflocka »

kazinator wrote: post #5

> The good news is that it doesn’t matter if we find we have married the wrong person. Yes, it does! OMG, this so laughably wrong. (The whole article.) Who you marry is a big, big determiner of happiness. It's better to be single than to marry the wrong person.

> It's better to be single than to marry the wrong person.

Or date them. Or live with them.

Re: Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person

#14

Post by Jtsummers »

stcredzero wrote: post #7

What matters in the marriage of feeling is that two people are drawn to each other by an overwhelming instinct and know in their hearts that it is right. That is not enough. If you don't have the practical logistics down as well, the odds will be very much against you. Trust is a big factor. Everything is harder when resources are constrained, especially trust.

Note: That point in the article isn't stating the author's views. It's stating a somewhat modern trend in marriage. Marriage by feeling, not by reason (the author's description of two modes of deciding whom to marry).

The author even goes on to say why there are problems with this mode and suggests a different one, one based on pessimism.

Re: Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person

#15

Post by schoen »

bittercynic wrote: post #9

Part of this was borrowed without credit. https://web.archive.org/web/20160422073110/http://thephiloso...

I think the current version of that is http://www.thebookoflife.org/how-we-end-up-marrying-the-wron... but I'm a little unsure about the authorship history now.

Edit: I agree with TACIXAT that both of these were written by Alain de Botton; the confusion came about because the older versions were unsigned, so it's easy to worry that the newer version could have been plagiarized. There's also a norm of revealing the publication history of your own stuff when you rework or republish it, so maybe the Times should have said "A version of this essay appeared in The Philosopher's Mail and appears in The Book of Life" to avoid any ambiguity.

Re: Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person

#16

Post by acegopher »

bittercynic wrote: post #9

Part of this was borrowed without credit. https://web.archive.org/web/20160422073110/http://thephiloso...

Don't need the wayback machine, this is currently available here (and a great article):

http://www.thebookoflife.org/how-we-end-up-marrying-the-wron...

Re: Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person

#17

Post by alashley »

refurb wrote: post #10
kazinator wrote: post #5

> The good news is that it doesn’t matter if we find we have married the wrong person. Yes, it does! OMG, this so laughably wrong. (The whole article.) Who you marry is a big, big determiner of happiness. It's better to be single than to marry the wrong person.

I think what the author was trying to say is that every person is the wrong person to marry if you judge them by your expectations of what they should bring to the relationship.

I think interpersonal relationships is one of the places where it matters most to have expectations and standards. There will be trade-offs, but at the end of the day you need to be able to add to someone's life and vice versa. This whole low/no expectations thing can keep people in some pretty toxic situations. And if you have expectations, you also need to be able to extend yourself to meet the expectations of others. Its give and take.

Re: Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person

#18

Post by nostrademons »

kazinator wrote: post #5

> The good news is that it doesn’t matter if we find we have married the wrong person. Yes, it does! OMG, this so laughably wrong. (The whole article.) Who you marry is a big, big determiner of happiness. It's better to be single than to marry the wrong person.

That line is speaking at a different level than your response.

The point - which the article goes on to elaborate on in the next few paragraphs - is that happiness is a choice, not a consequence. Every person is going to have flaws, and they will have little quirks that drive you nuts. Whether the relationship succeeds or not depends on how you react to those flaws. Do disagreements spiral out of control, with each person getting angrier and taking it out on their partner, making them angrier in turn? Or do they melt away with a decision to compromise and accept reality?

The article's point is that you should own your emotions instead of letting them own you. The example they start with is two people who do whatever their emotions tell them to without thought of the consequences. The example they end with is two people who understand their emotions but also understand that they don't have to react to their first impulse.

Re: Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person

#19

Post by up_and_up »

PROTIP:

1. Have a longterm vision/goal for your life that is achievable regardless of financial resources/location etc.

2. Find a partner in crime who shares that vision and is willing to join you on what will surely be a great adventure known as your life. Life will surely be no bed of roses.

3. Stress Test your relationship in some way to ensure the vision/goal is aligned.

I decided I should marry my wife following 6 months of hard travel through South America. I figured if we passed that test, we could handle pretty much anything.

EDIT: Appreciate all the comments. I have actually been married now for 10 years and have 3 kids. So while its true that the "Test" I am describing cannot mimic the tough slog of real-life, how exactly do you propose to mimic the difficulty of raising kids? If I were to speak to my 20 something self I would still recommend a difficult trip is an easy way to see how easily your relationship will come apart under stress, mainly because you are coming up against unknown/uncomfortable situations and factors.

Re: Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person

#20

Post by busterarm »

o_____________o wrote: post #8
busterarm wrote: post #4

Earlier quoted context omitted.

But at the same time I feel like this is an accurate summation of the problem and contains solid advice. This was a good read. I think getting good data on this would be impossible. Unfortunately it would involve including peoples' opinions and perceptions on events and we're amazing animals at misunderstandings and self-deceptions. Who knows if the purported reason actually has anything to do with it and isn't just…

Agree, this is the wisdom I wish someone drilled into me when I was young and lusty. We got indoctrinated early into romanticism by every song and Disney cartoon. It's myopic. Ain't no r&b ballads about marriage doldrums.

I don't know. I pretty much agree with the author on all points after my bad experiences (luckily without being in a marriage)... ...but I've hardly found anyone who entertains a similar point of view. It gets lonely, but honestly that's fine.
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