Ask HN: How to not base self worth on your own work?

I think your source of self-worth should not be what you do. The projects that make you proud today will be embarrassing to your future self. Many illustrators I know hate even looking at their 6 months old drawings. Learning is 99% failing, so focusing only on your career successes is not a sustainable strategy toward well-being.

imho self-worth must come from why you do something. Search for the core values that define your actions. Persistence, empathy, discipline... whatever you define as the leading factors of your life. Then stick with them. As long as you are true to yourself, that is, you stick to your why, you'll find self-worth.

this is a really interesting way of looking at other people. Try to understand their core values and compare them with yours.

Accept that your values may change over the years. Coherence is a self-defeating value.

I had problems with this sort of thing while I was doing my PhD and working stupid hours every day. When it got really bad I decided to cut back to a normal working week and it seems to have helped (eventually). So if you're working all the time: try to work less.

Yes. It's a constant battle for me, but I have to keep reminding myself that my self worth isn't based on anyone else's perception of me. And it's especially not based on my work.

You eventually have to reach a place where you realize two things: you will suck at life sometimes and your worth isn't tied to those times. Failure is inevitable for most people, and the sooner you accept that failure or stumbling or some other fault (no matter how minor) will happen, the sooner you can realize they don't own you and don't define who you are.

I mean, honestly, the answer is right there in the word itself: self-worth. Your self-worth should be derived from people who value you for more than your work. It should be derived from someone valuing you not any sort of external criteria. It could be your wife/husband, your dog, your God, or whomever, but ultimately it boils down to you learning to value yourself beyond these things.

I used to put an intense amount of my self-worth into my work. A totally unhealthy amount. I felt good about myself because I was in my early 20's, writing books, being invited to speak at international conferences, working at the hottest startups, making a bunch of money. I was building my self image around this empire of dirt that I'd cobbled together based on how good of a programmer I am (and how well I could network). Then I tried to start a consultancy, which didn't work out great. I tried to build products there, that failed. I got fired from my next job. I felt like utter crap because I didn't understand why I was being personally punished and devalued. My work had betrayed me!

But it was at this point that I had to realize that anyone or anything that judged me by my work or my ability to work at the cool startup or my ability to be a part of some project wasn't judging me at all. They were judging my work, and I can't let my value and self image be tied up in that. For me, the first person I needed to teach that lesson to was myself.

And I did. And it wasn't fun. It's not fun to totally change your worldview, but oh my gosh, I feel so much better about life now. Not feeling like I live and die by the work I do frees me to do some of the best work I've done in my whole life. Sure, I'm not working at America's Next Great Startup and sure I'm not speaking at 2 conferences a month and sure I'm not signing up book deals all the time now, but holy crap I'm so much happier.

So, yes. People experience this exact thing. And it can crush you. But please don't let it. Find the worth within yourself and surround yourself with things and people that will support that.

One of my great epiphanies as an American expat is that Americans have a tendency to be extreme. They often have one thing that they use to define themselves. They are driven to be the best at their 'one thing'.

- People who go to church on Sunday feel the need to tell you about it on Monday.

- The guy at work who runs marathons, is running all the time. He never comes to lunch because he is doing a practice run.

- People who are fat. ...well, I am sorry, but if it was genetic then there would be 500lb people in Europe too.

- People who work, work and work and work. A lot of Americans fall under this category.

I think taking pride in your work is a good thing. Knowing when you could do better is a good thing. Building your sense of self around any one aspect of your personality is a bad thing.

Aim to be more well-rounded. Try to find lots of things you like doing. Moderate your activities. Live a less extreme life.

(I have obviously made some assumptions here. This post probably applies more to me than anyone else. :)

I'll give a bit different view - my self worth ain't derived much from my professional career. Sure, I am (a bit) successful, equal or more than most peers at university. Yeah, compared to my first full time dev job (same platform as now), my salary jumped 20x over the years. I've worked for energetics, insurance, army, telco, car manufacturer, local government, retail sales, banks, and more banks (perm & contractor too). So what?

It's what I do outside of my work defines me much more. I am into travelling, adventures and mountain-based activities. All weekends possible I spend in alps trying not to kill myself, but not too hard. During week it's workouts in gym, interval runs, climbing indoors, biking etc. Not really marathon-style fit, but quite OK.

When I meet somebody new, I ask 1 question about their work, and don't go deeper (unless it's super amazing, which in 99% is not). I do care who hey are as a person, what drives them and what they do in their free time, where they travelled etc. If they cannot talk about anything but work, I'll pass.

One of benefits is (apart from feeling great, being happy with myself and so on) - remove my work (for whatever reason), and I am still happy. Add it, I'll try to find some new professional challenges, but won't break my back and remove personal life just to prove something to somebody (pre-release exceptions happen :)). But all in all, we are all unique mix, and each of us has to find his/her own way to these things.

Want a different perspective? Take a backpack, and head for 2-4 weeks into some truly exotic destination that is without war, but also no 1st world coziness all over the place. Buy just return flight, and let things happen. If you have more time, spend more :)