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Ask HN: Confronting impossible people (In life and business)

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Ask HN: Confronting impossible people (In life and business)

#1

Post by netconnect »

I have recently moved into a shared accommodation set-up in a 6 bedroom house. No person is in anyway more in charge or has more rights than the others as all things house related are dealt with by the real-estate agent and the man who owns the building.

Things are fine except for that one guy, the odd shut in that seems to think he embodies all that is righteous in the house. I just this morning found out how to operate the ducted heating and was enjoying my first warm night since I moved in. Then it got cold, and I felt a breeze coming in under my door. The front door was open, so I shut it. Five minutes later it was open again, I swore loud enough for anyone to hear, then shut it again. Every time I came out of my room the damned door was open again (like maybe 3 more times). I'd had enough so I closed the door one last time with one slight difference, I stood outside it and waited for whoever was opening it to strike again. Should have seen his face.

I asked him what on earth he was doing, and he tells me some stupid story about how the others leave the door open in the morning so that his room gets cold, so he does it at night to get them back. I just couldn't seem get through to him how it was effecting me as well, let alone the fact it made the house totally open to anyone with the slightest inclination of stealing all our stuff that's not locked in our rooms. I casually told him "whatever, I'm freezing my ass off" and went back to my room, but not before I heard him propping the door open again. So I am sitting here thinking about what to do about this and decided to tap into the wisdom of HN.

I think a discussion about being assertive and dealing with these kinds of people could be of benefit to anyone who has ever come across them in life and in business.

Re: Ask HN: Confronting impossible people (In life and business)

#2

Post by DrJokepu »

Smile. Be kind and polite. Remember that he probably thinks the same of you or even worse. Try to figure out his motivations. Be friendly, talk to him about things he's interested in. Try to see the world through his eyes. Once you managed to hit a common voice with him, it's much easier to find solutions for your differences.

Re: Ask HN: Confronting impossible people (In life and business)

#3

Post by amanfredi »

I don't know the best way to deal with this situation, but fighting passive-aggressiveness with itself will not solve anything.

The fact that you waited for him shows you're not afraid of a little confrontation, but I think you may have wasted a good opportunity by getting frustrated and leaving instead of telling him directly that he was being rude and childish. People who are oblivious to others rarely pick up on polite hints.

Re: Ask HN: Confronting impossible people (In life and business)

#4

Post by netconnect »

amanfredi wrote: post #3

I don't know the best way to deal with this situation, but fighting passive-aggressiveness with itself will not solve anything. The fact that you waited for him shows you're not afraid of a little confrontation, but I think you may have wasted a good opportunity by getting frustrated and leaving instead of telling him directly that he was being rude and childish. People who are oblivious to others rarely pick up on p…

It wasn't that I had become too frustrated to keep talking to him, it was that I saw there were not going to be any breakthroughs then and there tonight so I played one last card, the guilt trip, which failed miserably. I am thinking of confronting him more sternly tomorrow when this inevitably happens again.

Should I think about bringing the real estate agents into this, or even trying to get him and the others together in a room and telling them all what I think?

Anyway, this Ask HN wasn't just meant to be about my situation here, more about tips, philosophies and reading materials to help others deal with similar situations, especially in the business world.

(Oh and thanks for the reply!)

Re: Ask HN: Confronting impossible people (In life and business)

#6

Post by HeyLaughingBoy »

My initial reaction on hearing that would probably have been to scream "are you fucking stupid?" at him. But I have a very low tolerance for that kind of behavior and luckily have learned to suppress that type of response :-)

Besides, if people really are leaving the door open in the morning, that won't solve anything. Talk to him and find out who's leaving the door open and you can all three sit down and figure out what leads to that happening.

Most things domestic have simple solutions once the underlying problem is discovered.

As far as dealing with passive-aggressive behavior in general, I find that being polite, but firm generally gets the behavior to stop. What you don't want to do is yell at them like I said above, since that just causes them to shut down temporarily then go back to doing the same thing.

Re: Ask HN: Confronting impossible people (In life and business)

#8

Post by netconnect »

californiaguy wrote: post #7

The only way to deal with people like that is to move out. Why are you structuring your happiness in life around his actions?

I'm afraid I just signed a 6 month lease and I'm in no financial situation to move anywhere else. I wish one of the others had told me about all this before I moved in.

Re: Ask HN: Confronting impossible people (In life and business)

#9

Post by netconnect »

kitcar wrote: post #5

I found the contents of "Getting Past Now" by William Ury helpful when negotiating with difficult people. http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-No-William-Ury/dp/0553371...

Thanks for the book idea, afraid I'm too poor being a uni student to buy it, but I might check if my state library has a copy.

Re: Ask HN: Confronting impossible people (In life and business)

#10

Post by mattchew »

Some people you just can't reason with.

I see other people advising sitting down and talking. It's probably worth trying. One episode of nutsy behavior isn't enough to write someone off.

But there's a sizable fraction of people out there that are 100% asshole. Talking to them won't produce any lasting results, no matter what they agree to or promise. It took me a long time to get this.

If your roommate is one of these guys it comes down to you moving out, somehow forcing him to move out, or just putting up with periodic episodes of bullshit.

(If you were willing to beat him up every time he acted like a dick, that would probably modify his behavior, but I don't recommend that for reasons of jail.)

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