Depressed and need advice

#1

Post by bookreader » Tue, Jul 30, 2013, 10:12 PM UTC

I'm an active HN poster under a different name, but I'm posting this anonymously. I'm dealing with some situational depression and need advice.

I've been on a gap year from an Ivy League school after having a bad freshman year (I did well academically, but I had social and personal problems that I was dealing with). I took a gap year with the possibility of dropping out.

I've done pretty well over the gap year. I worked at a programming job and also did some contracting, and managed to save about 18k. I was also able to work through some of the future computer science classes by myself (learned C, graphs, trees, and basic algorithms).

The problem is, I come from an Asian family and am dealing with expectations that I return to school (from both friends and family). I don't feel ready to return, and I feel like I'm becoming depressed and anxious again.

I know this seems like a first world problem, but I just need some perspective and advice. I feel like if I drop out, I'll be okay emotionally and health wise. I think I'll be able to continue self teaching (I'm decently smart, scored 2330 on the SAT and did well in multivariable calc freshman year).

Thanks for any advice. I've just been very depressed and unhappy about the prospect of going back to school, and I'm starting to think it's the wrong decision.

Re: Depressed and need advice

#2

Post by sejje » Tue, Jul 30, 2013, 10:17 PM UTC

My advice is to ignore thoughts about what you don't want to do.

Focus on thoughts about what you do want to do. Figure it out, what your idea of success is over the next 1-5 years (probably part of a plan of success for your lifetime). Measure success in your own terms, not those of your parents, peers, or anyone else.

Boil your 1-5 year down to some basic actions, and move to complete those actions.

It's not easy to ignore outside pressures, but I think it's important to make an attempt at being truly happy. Some people's measure of success might be to make their parents proud, and so they should follow a course that makes that happen.

Re: Depressed and need advice

#3

Post by mswen » Tue, Jul 30, 2013, 10:27 PM UTC

Does your family know why you took a gap year despite good academic performance? If they don't know the reasons or only have a vague notion of why you took a year off, it might be good to have one of those honest vulnerable conversations and make sure they understand both the situational issues and how it has impacted you emotionally.

I am a parent with a 19 year old at university. Despite my ambitions that she proceed full speed ahead, I know that I value her mental health more than a speedy completion of studies. You might find your parents more understanding than you imagine if they know all the details.

Re: Depressed and need advice

#4

Post by anigbrowl » Tue, Jul 30, 2013, 10:29 PM UTC

I'm smart and dropped out, but regretted it later on both pragmatic and personal bases. Is there a possibility to switch schools, or live off-campus and avoid some of the social stuff? Also, consider taking some of your savings and chatting to a psychologist psychiatrist, one that relates to you as an adult individual instead of a student.

If you do drop out your parents will get over it, eventually, but being tagged as a failure is unpleasant in the short term and burdensome in the long term. At least come up with a plan B (for yourself, not for them) to finish your education on your own terms at your own pace. Also, have you considered the possibility that your vocation doesn't necessarily have to line up with your education? If you're doing well as a self-taught programmer and so forth, perhaps you'd be happier studying something quite different from whatever you started with - medieval history or astrobiology or philosophy, say.

Re: Depressed and need advice

#5

Post by bookreader » Tue, Jul 30, 2013, 10:31 PM UTC

mswen wrote: post #3

Does your family know why you took a gap year despite good academic performance? If they don't know the reasons or only have a vague notion of why you took a year off, it might be good to have one of those honest vulnerable conversations and make sure they understand both the situational issues and how it has impacted you emotionally. I am a parent with a 19 year old at university. Despite my ambitions that she proce…

My parents are aware that I was depressed. I've also told them that I think dropping out would be the better choice for my mental health.

They disagree and seem to think that I don't have enough wisdom (I think this is what many Asian parents believe about twenty year olds).

They're not going to kick me out though if I drop out. And even if they do, I've saved 18k and have contracting work for at least the next year. I think I should be okay. I'm just asking for perspective and to see if I'm making any serious mistakes in my reasoning.

Re: Depressed and need advice

#6

Post by bookreader » Tue, Jul 30, 2013, 10:34 PM UTC

anigbrowl wrote: post #4

I'm smart and dropped out, but regretted it later on both pragmatic and personal bases. Is there a possibility to switch schools, or live off-campus and avoid some of the social stuff? Also, consider taking some of your savings and chatting to a psychologist psychiatrist, one that relates to you as an adult individual instead of a student. If you do drop out your parents will get over it, eventually, but being tagged…

Can you be more specific about why you've regretted dropping out? If you're a programmer, how much has it hurt your career? I unfortunately don't think switching schools is an option for me.

Re: Depressed and need advice

#7

Post by mikecane » Tue, Jul 30, 2013, 10:43 PM UTC

My advice is to go back to school. And not because you are being pressured to but because it will broaden you in ways you can't anticipate. You'll be in an environment that is unpredictable and stimulating and you don't know where future inspiration will come from because of it.

Jobs found inspiration after dropping out but -- and this is the important bit -- while still on the campus:

>>>“The minute I dropped out I could stop taking the required classes that didn’t interest me, and begin dropping in on the ones that looked interesting,” he said. Among them was a calligraphy class that appealed to him after he saw posters on campus that were beautifully drawn. “I learned about serif and sans serif typefaces, about varying the amount of space between different letter combinations, about what makes great typography great. It was beautiful, historical, artistically subtle in a way that science can’t capture, and I found it fascinating.”

-- from the Isaacson bio

Listen, you can always make money later. But you are young only once and if you pass up the chance for serendipity when you're young, you'll regret it later in life because by then you'll understand you've trapped yourself in a bubble for years.

I hope this helps.

Re: Depressed and need advice

#8

Post by bookreader » Tue, Jul 30, 2013, 10:52 PM UTC

mikecane wrote: post #7

My advice is to go back to school. And not because you are being pressured to but because it will broaden you in ways you can't anticipate. You'll be in an environment that is unpredictable and stimulating and you don't know where future inspiration will come from because of it. Jobs found inspiration after dropping out but -- and this is the important bit -- while still on the campus : >>>“The minute I dropped out I…

Thanks for the response. Several people have advised me to go back for the overall experience, but I feel like I'm not likely to enjoy it if I'm unhappy or depressed there.

I'm wondering how bad dropping out would be. I have about a year and a half of experience as an employed programmer, and I know several languages and frameworks.

Would the lack of a degree become a serious problem in the future?

Re: Depressed and need advice

#9

Post by fusiongyro » Tue, Jul 30, 2013, 10:53 PM UTC

You should come to New Mexico Tech. We have a great CS program which is essentially throwing you in the deep end and seeing if you can swim. We are far, far away from your overbearing family and whatever horrifying social situation at your old school, over here in Socorro, New Mexico. Even if you got no financial assistance at all, you could pay for two or three years just with the 18K you have saved up now, and that's out-of-state tuition. In reality, with a decent GPA they would probably pay half and in a year you would qualify for in-state tuition cutting it in half again. The students here are mellow and have nothing to do but study. A low key environment, you would be a big fish in a small pond.

Worked for me. :)

Re: Depressed and need advice

#10

Post by auslegung » Tue, Jul 30, 2013, 11:01 PM UTC

Here's where I'm coming from: a student of psychology, sociology, anthropology, and history. Worked in the Helping Professions for 5+ years, lived in South Korea for over a hear, traveled to China a few times, and as such have made friends with several Asians back home in America. I think I can understand what the pressures are like from your friends and family, and I think I can understand why they feel the need to pressure you, at least to some small extent. However, I may be wildly off, in which case please ignore my ramblings, and I hope not to cause any more frustration for you.

Here's my real concern: not that you make money, or that you make your parents happy (or even that you make yourself happy), but that you are able to identify what is happening at the root of all this, and that you are able to navigate it. When that happens, you will become happy, and you will provide the time, the reason, and the opportunity for your parents to become happy about you, though whether or not they choose to is ultimately up to them, not you.

Here are my questions: What is the problem with your situation? (I can assume from what you've typed, but it isn't explicitly stated, and I hate assuming) Where does the problem come from? Where does your sense of identify originate?

My suspicion: there is an identity issue at the root of this (or at least near the root). We all get our identity from somewhere. We were all meant to get a healthy identify from our parents, though not all of us can. Many of us have parents who were not given their own healthy identity from their own parents, which makes it difficult to pass on a healthy sense of identity to us. Where there's a lack of identify (or unhealthy identity, these are essentially the same things with different terminology), poor boundaries are set in place. I highly recommend the book Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend " rel="nofollow">http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Dap....

Your hesitancy to return to school may be wrapped up in the bad stuff you experienced there. That does not mean you should just go back and tough it out; it means that you have not healed from whatever happened. If you can heal from that (and without knowing what it is, I don't know where to point you), you may find yourself wanting to go back to school. (This imagination technique does not provide solid answers, just hints about what is going on in you. Take it with a grain of salt) Take a few minutes to imagine that you are 100%, completely healed from whatever bad stuff happened your freshmen year. Really let it sink in. Everything is fixed, and none of that stuff can ever happen again. If you are able to imagine that and let it go to the core of your being, do you still want to stay away from school?

If what I'm saying seems to fit so far, get that book. It is a pretty dry read, but the ideas are amazing. If what I'm saying does not fit, I apologize for taking your time. I'd really like to see you get through this, healed of any issues that could cause depression ever again for you.