Why people shouldn’t love you for who you are
sean-johnson.com
Why people shouldn’t love you for who you are
1–10 of 28 posts
Re: Why people shouldn’t love you for who you are
#2This kid thinks I'm "alive for a reason" and "bets it's something great". Pass the sick bucket.
Re: Why people shouldn’t love you for who you are
#3The conclusion, "People have a right to expect more from you" seems dead wrong to me, and I don't really see any answer to the question asked by the title.
If you are want some better answers, read instead this little gem ESR posted on Google+ a little while ago:
http://www.cracked.com/blog/6-harsh-truths-that-will-make-yo...
Let's say that the person you love the most has just been shot. He or she is lying in the street, bleeding and screaming.
A guy rushes up and says, "Step aside." He looks over your loved one's bullet wound and pulls out a pocket knife -- he's going to operate right there in the street.
You ask, "Are you a doctor?"
The guy says, "No."
You say, "But you know what you're doing, right? You're an old Army medic, or ..."
At this point the guy becomes annoyed. He tells you that he is a nice guy, he is honest, he is always on time. He tells you that he is a great son to his mother and has a rich life full of fulfilling hobbies, and he boasts that he never uses foul language.
Confused, you say, "How does any of that fucking matter when my (wife/husband/best friend/parent) is lying here bleeding! I need somebody who knows how to operate on bullet wounds! Can you do that or not?!?"
Now the man becomes agitated -- why are you being shallow and selfish? Do you not care about any of his other good qualities? Didn't you just hear him say that he always remembers his girlfriend's birthday? In light of all of the good things he does, does it really matter if he knows how to perform surgery?
In that panicked moment, you will take your bloody hands and shake him by the shoulders, screaming, "Yes, I'm saying that none of that other shit matters, because in this specific situation, I just need somebody who can stop the bleeding, you crazy fucking asshole."
EDIT: I tried submitting it, but it's marked as "dead". I guess the website got on HN bad side. Too bad, it'd have made a great discussion.
Re: Why people shouldn’t love you for who you are
#4It's important to distinguish two, seemingly contradictory positions:
1 People won't love me for who I am. In fact, it's the job of the rest of the world to show me where I need to improve. But, on the other hand ...
2 I should love people for who they are. It's not my business to make people over. My job is to make myself over. There's more than enough work to be done there. Working on other people's supposed failings is just a distraction from my real business.
That's a rough paraphrase of Byron Katie's "Work", an approach that has helped me tremendously for the last dozen years or so. Whenever I get miserable it's usually a clue that I'm working on someone else's 'business'.
Re: Why people shouldn’t love you for who you are
#5Who are this post intended audience? (surely not all)
How do you know that you are the person before this 'change', and have not already made one to many sacrifice of your self.
Maybe Im stating the obvious, but I can't see this being true for virtually all people, yet how do you know I youre one of them.
Re: Why people shouldn’t love you for who you are
#6The conclusion, "People have a right to expect more from you" seems dead wrong to me, and I don't really see any answer to the question asked by the title. If you are want some better answers, read instead this little gem ESR posted on Google+ a little while ago: http://www.cracked.com/blog/6-harsh-truths-that-will-make-yo... Let's say that the person you love the most has just been shot. He or she is lying in the st…
That's a great article, thanks for the link!
> If your dream girl or guy had a hidden camera that followed you around for a month, would they be impressed with what they saw?
Now I want to try walking around imagining that my dream girl is watching me :-)
Re: Why people shouldn’t love you for who you are
#7The conclusion, "People have a right to expect more from you" seems dead wrong to me, and I don't really see any answer to the question asked by the title. If you are want some better answers, read instead this little gem ESR posted on Google+ a little while ago: http://www.cracked.com/blog/6-harsh-truths-that-will-make-yo... Let's say that the person you love the most has just been shot. He or she is lying in the st…
I was just thinking of that same Cracked article. I think it stated things much better.
Re: Why people shouldn’t love you for who you are
#8Cowering to people's expectations of you in hopes that you will impress them really depends on the problem and the person, and can be incredibly degrading and depressing if you feel you've done the effort to fix your situation and the outcome doesn't change. Personally, I think we already expect too much of people and don't accept variety enough.
A girlfriend breaking up with you because "she can't love you for who you are" is a blessing in disguise. Do you really want to check every box on her list.. what was next? Love is not a game of putting each other through some sort of obstacle course to perfection; personal growth is attained through inspiration of the other.
Do you really want to keep working at a place that doesn't want you around? Your "real talk" might be offensive in some circles, but it sounds more like day-to-day office life just wasn't in this guy's cards. It takes a wake-up call to pivot your life towards things you should really be doing, not catering yourself to where you've accidentally crash-landed, likely just to pay for one's basic needs.
Relationships do not have to be chores. Jobs do not have to be chores. You can find people and places that love you for who you are and wouldn't have you any other way.
> Lots of people tell others and themselves “I’m just a disorganized person” or “I get on edge when I get hungry – it just happens” or “I can’t help it if I’m blunt.”
> They're wrong.
Er.. I don't think any of these are bad things (if not just natural and expected) and if you're judging people by them, maybe you should find some bigger fish to fry.
Re: Why people shouldn’t love you for who you are
#9The conclusion, "People have a right to expect more from you" seems dead wrong to me, and I don't really see any answer to the question asked by the title. If you are want some better answers, read instead this little gem ESR posted on Google+ a little while ago: http://www.cracked.com/blog/6-harsh-truths-that-will-make-yo... Let's say that the person you love the most has just been shot. He or she is lying in the st…
That's a lot of words from both authors to say: nobody actually cares about "you". They only care about what they can get from you.
That can be horrifically depressing or pragmatic and inspiring: the emotional reaction is irrelevant, it is the truth.
Re: Why people shouldn’t love you for who you are
#10Cowering to people's expectations of you in hopes that you will impress them really depends on the problem and the person, and can be incredibly degrading and depressing if you feel you've done the effort to fix your situation and the outcome doesn't change. Personally, I think we already expect too much of people and don't accept variety enough . A girlfriend breaking up with you because "she can't love you for who…
Those are frequently euphemisms. A "disorganized person" is often somebody who breaks a lot of promises (e.g. "Sorry, I know I'm supposed to be there helping you with that thing, but I can't make it — I'm so disorganized"), while "on edge" and "blunt" are both basically less-blunt ways of saying "an inconsiderate asshole."