Amending Our Process: Crafting Apologies that Heal
ruthcohnmft.com
Amending Our Process: Crafting Apologies that Heal
1–10 of 22 posts
Re: Amending Our Process: Crafting Apologies that Heal
#2I like this article a lot. I am just concerned that it doesn’t deal with the number one issue with apologies: the feeling that I’ve done nothing to apologize for. Substitute yourself for “I’ve” if you’ve offended me instead of the other way around.
It’s wrong to tell lies designed to manipulate people. An apology should never be a lie. So, someone being asked or expected to apologize must not turn it into an empty ritual. Doing so lights a fuse that will blow up the whole relationship.
I have apologized for being a source of pain or irritation, for instance, without claiming that my behavior was actually wrong. Sometimes that’s all I can do.
Re: Amending Our Process: Crafting Apologies that Heal
#3I like this article a lot. I am just concerned that it doesn’t deal with the number one issue with apologies: the feeling that I’ve done nothing to apologize for. Substitute yourself for “I’ve” if you’ve offended me instead of the other way around. It’s wrong to tell lies designed to manipulate people. An apology should never be a lie. So, someone being asked or expected to apologize must not turn it into an empty ri…
In my worldview this is the difference between apology and repentance. Both are necessary in different contexts but it's also important to recognize the difference and indicate at least to yourself which one you're doing or receiving.
There are probably ways to phrase "repentance" that are less religiously charged but it is a moral issue so this language works fine for me.
Re: Amending Our Process: Crafting Apologies that Heal
#4I like this article a lot. I am just concerned that it doesn’t deal with the number one issue with apologies: the feeling that I’ve done nothing to apologize for. Substitute yourself for “I’ve” if you’ve offended me instead of the other way around. It’s wrong to tell lies designed to manipulate people. An apology should never be a lie. So, someone being asked or expected to apologize must not turn it into an empty ri…
That feels out of scope for OP. I've learned that there is such a thing as apologizing too early, when I don't actually feel sorry yet. I need to take some time to make sense of what happened and apportion responsibility in my own head for precisely what I caused.
Once I arrive at that moment, though, OP feels like it might be priceless.
Re: Amending Our Process: Crafting Apologies that Heal
#5Great article! A lot of times articles like this fail to include realistic examples, which this one had a lot of.
I've beaten this drum here before[1], but Dialectical Behavior Therapy, an evidence-based therapy program, has a framework for making requests of people with the acronym DEAR that can also be used for apologies. I think a good DEAR-apology would hit most of the techniques in this article:
* Describe the situation: "Accept responsibility".
"I didn't do X that you asked me to do, even though I knew I should have."
* Express feelings: "Express regret"
"I feel bad about it because I promised I would, and I had time to do it, I just didn't, and I don't have an excuse."
* Ask: "Ask for forgiveness"
"I'm sorry. Will you forgive me?"
* Reinforce: This could be restitution or repentance. I'd argue it's situational depending on whether it's a recurring thing (I'll do it in the future!) or in the past (I didn't defrost the chicken and ruined your dinner party, so I'll cook for the next one!)
Anyways, DBT has a few gems[2], and DEAR is one of them. I use it all the time for both asking people for things and apologies.
--
[1] https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=31859266
[2] Another one: panic attack or extremely anxious? Get a bowl of cold water and stick your head in it for around 30 seconds. Make sure your whole face, especially your cheeks, are submerged. You can use ice water or just cool water. Take a breath, and repeat until calm. It's based on the dive reflex and is a biological function, it will always work.
Re: Amending Our Process: Crafting Apologies that Heal
#6I like this article a lot. I am just concerned that it doesn’t deal with the number one issue with apologies: the feeling that I’ve done nothing to apologize for. Substitute yourself for “I’ve” if you’ve offended me instead of the other way around. It’s wrong to tell lies designed to manipulate people. An apology should never be a lie. So, someone being asked or expected to apologize must not turn it into an empty ri…
I don't know if "I have nothing to apologize for" is the number one issue with apologies for most people.
Re: Amending Our Process: Crafting Apologies that Heal
#7I'm pretty good at apologizing.
Mostly because I get a lot of practice. :P
When I worked for a Japanese company, my ability to apologize, sincerely, and politely, was good for my career.
The Japanese respect and work with apologies. They accept it, and then expect you to help make it right. It is usually not brought up again.
Americans, on the other hand, tend to take them as admissions of weakness, and try to pile more abuse on you. You are punished for apologizing, and they never let you forget it.
Re: Amending Our Process: Crafting Apologies that Heal
#8I like this article a lot. I am just concerned that it doesn’t deal with the number one issue with apologies: the feeling that I’ve done nothing to apologize for. Substitute yourself for “I’ve” if you’ve offended me instead of the other way around. It’s wrong to tell lies designed to manipulate people. An apology should never be a lie. So, someone being asked or expected to apologize must not turn it into an empty ri…
In my worldview this is the difference between apology and repentance. Both are necessary in different contexts but it's also important to recognize the difference and indicate at least to yourself which one you're doing or receiving. There are probably ways to phrase "repentance" that are less religiously charged but it is a moral issue so this language works fine for me.
As I understand it, repentance includes apology, but also includes a change away from the offending behavior.
Re: Amending Our Process: Crafting Apologies that Heal
#9I'm pretty good at apologizing. Mostly because I get a lot of practice. :P When I worked for a Japanese company, my ability to apologize, sincerely, and politely, was good for my career. The Japanese respect and work with apologies. They accept it, and then expect you to help make it right. It is usually not brought up again. Americans, on the other hand, tend to take them as admissions of weakness, and try to pile m…
The best managers I've seen are the ones that, following a failure from staff, can detect a real apology and earnest promise to learn and do better next time, and then never mentioned it again.
The worst ones will detect that same apology and crowd that person out of their own mind with unresolved guilt, completely disabling them with their own emotions. Give them long enough and they can create monsters out of the nicest men.
Re: Amending Our Process: Crafting Apologies that Heal
#10No post body was provided.