A divorce in Italy destroyed my researcher career
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A divorce in Italy destroyed my researcher career
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Re: A divorce in Italy destroyed my researcher career
#2[deleted]
Re: A divorce in Italy destroyed my researcher career
#3I doubt this is limited to Italy.
It has become a meme that a guy is likely to suffer more during a separation if she is motivated and gets herself a good lawyer. If she insists to get the kids, she will. If she doesnt want him to see them very often, she will get her will.
I am sure there are examples where it was the other way around. No question. However, the way how the mother is treated as more of a parent then the father is pretty weird.
Re: A divorce in Italy destroyed my researcher career
#4A solution to a lot of these problems that I quite like is "birdnesting," where the child(ren) keep the home they live in, and the divorcing parents take turns moving in.
That seems to be clearly best for the child (removes the instability of moving back and forth between homes) and while it's inconvenient for the parents, at least it's equally inconvenient.
Re: A divorce in Italy destroyed my researcher career
#5The story is same in many countries, unfortunately. Amicable out of court settlement seems to be best.
Re: A divorce in Italy destroyed my researcher career
#6A solution to a lot of these problems that I quite like is "birdnesting," where the child(ren) keep the home they live in, and the divorcing parents take turns moving in. That seems to be clearly best for the child (removes the instability of moving back and forth between homes) and while it's inconvenient for the parents, at least it's equally inconvenient.
I tried that for a little while with my ex while we were working things out. You really need your own place that is away from the other person all the time. You are constantly reminded of your ex while you’re there.
Re: A divorce in Italy destroyed my researcher career
#7I don't have any strong opinions about the fairness or unfairness of divorce laws around parenting, not in the US and certainly not in Italy.
However, I was recently a very close witness to some divorce proceedings involving my girlfriend and the end of her polyamorous marriage, and boy, oh boy. The husband made the decision to make the divorce as painful as possible (falsifying evidence, perjuring himself) to try to get her to give up and let him keep all of the money (he keeps the $400k house, she keeps the $5k SUV), and ultimately, it largely worked. Would you pay $50k to avoid having a miserable year? I would've kept fighting on principle, but she's wiser than I am.
Whether or not any of this was fair, eh. The mistake she made was to enter into a binding legal contract with someone that didn't have a clearly defined, equitable exit path. She misjudged her husband, but no one's immune to that. Honest people will want to write everything down and be bound to their word.
Don't make agreements based on mutual trust and assumed cooperation into perpetuity. It's only once people's incentives shift away from cooperation that you get to see their true character, for better and worse.
Re: A divorce in Italy destroyed my researcher career
#8I doubt this is limited to Italy. It has become a meme that a guy is likely to suffer more during a separation if she is motivated and gets herself a good lawyer. If she insists to get the kids, she will. If she doesnt want him to see them very often, she will get her will. I am sure there are examples where it was the other way around. No question. However, the way how the mother is treated as more of a parent then…
The mother being treated/expected to be more of a parent does not start at divorce. That's simply the continuation of a societal expectation that women will do the 'mothering.'
Because that social expectation is there, it is far more often true that in a hetro marriage the wife will be the one who gives up their career path to take care of a child. Thus the court systems has standardized on an expectation that the mother will need spousal support, and child support in a divorce, because she is the one who'll need to retool and rejoin the workforce, while still _doing_ the parenting she did while in the marriage.
None of this happens in a vacuum.
Re: A divorce in Italy destroyed my researcher career
#9I doubt this is limited to Italy. It has become a meme that a guy is likely to suffer more during a separation if she is motivated and gets herself a good lawyer. If she insists to get the kids, she will. If she doesnt want him to see them very often, she will get her will. I am sure there are examples where it was the other way around. No question. However, the way how the mother is treated as more of a parent then…
Note that saying that something "is a meme" is usually meant to imply illegitimacy/contrivance.
Re: A divorce in Italy destroyed my researcher career
#10A solution to a lot of these problems that I quite like is "birdnesting," where the child(ren) keep the home they live in, and the divorcing parents take turns moving in. That seems to be clearly best for the child (removes the instability of moving back and forth between homes) and while it's inconvenient for the parents, at least it's equally inconvenient.
I tried that for a little while with my ex while we were working things out. You really need your own place that is away from the other person all the time. You are constantly reminded of your ex while you’re there.
Presumably your children constantly remind you of your ex as well, so I'm not sure "set things up in a way where I'm not reminded of my ex" is an achievable goal in the first place.