How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes
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Re: How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes
#2"I've decided x" seems to help.
Re: How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes
#3The article concludes with suggesting people adopt the ‘soft no’. If the readers of this advice have issues with tension or anxiety (which is where the article seems to be targeted), that could backfire quite badly. If a person is known for their people pleasing yeses, a soft no could just be sending the signal that the requester needs to apply more pressure. Saying no naturally involves some level of confrontation, skirting around the confrontation usually has the effect of also skirting around the delivery of the correct message.
Re: How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes
#4The article concludes with suggesting people adopt the ‘soft no’. If the readers of this advice have issues with tension or anxiety (which is where the article seems to be targeted), that could backfire quite badly. If a person is known for their people pleasing yeses, a soft no could just be sending the signal that the requester needs to apply more pressure. Saying no naturally involves some level of confrontation,…
A "soft no" implies respectful environment. Current working and world conditions precludes this.
If you find yourself working for an environment that has started positive transformation, a "soft no" will be heard. This is indicative of such an environment (a listening environment).
Re: How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes
#5Book recommendations in that respect:
- "No more Mr. Nice Guy" Robert A. Glover: A great book on identification and elimination of nice guy behaviors with lots of exercises.
- "When I say no I feel guilty" Manuel J. Smith: Techniques with lots of examples on how to stay assertive and deal with attempts to manipulate you into doing something. Relevant for dealing with colleagues, spouses, shop clerks, ...
There are others but those two books will get you very far if you take this seriously.
Re: How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes
#6I vaguely remember this being somewhat of a problem for me when I was much younger. But after getting married and having kids, saying No to requests became natural for me.
Re: How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes
#7NPR seems to be veering off into a sort of Oprah self help area.
Re: How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes
#8I vaguely remember this being somewhat of a problem for me when I was much younger. But after getting married and having kids, saying No to requests became natural for me.
Same here. While it’s tempting to chalk this up under “ball and chain”, I think it’s more a matter of realizing how precious little time you have and raising your bar of acceptance accordingly.
I basically have two answers to requests - it’s either “sorry, gonna pass” or “HELL YES”.
Edit: A trick I learned from Non-violent Communication is to reframe requests internally from “I have to do x” and “I should do x” as “I want to do x”. It much easier to make a decision when you hear the latter out loud.
Re: How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes
#9I've been complimented on my ability to say 'no.' It's incredibly useful to ensure I'm spending my limited time doing things that are impactful and worthwhile.
Re: How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes
#10I used to be exactly the person the article describes. Then I became an engineering manager. A year later, I cannot even recognize the old, people-pleasing me. Saying "no" by default, not jumping into commitments, pushing back on unreasonable demands (from both above and below) - all come so naturally to me now it's unbelievable.