Last Words of Programmer Bill Zeller (2011)

I knew Bill. He was such a sweet guy. I was so heartbroken to hear what he had been dealing with, posthumously. It sounds like he carried a crushing weight around, but he did it in a way that was effortless from the perspective of people like me. And yet, it eventually became too much to bear.

I can't help but think that professional help might have made some difference. Who knows. But if you're in a similar boat, I hope you try to find a way not to bear the weight alone.

Re: Last Words of Programmer Bill Zeller (2011)

#6

Post by paloaltokid » Thu, Nov 23, 2017, 5:46 AM UTC

What a sad story. If you’re out there and you’re struggling, please know that help does exist. Professional counseling and therapy really can make a difference, you do have to find someone you can connect with. I wish Bill’s friends the best in dealing with losing him.

Re: Last Words of Programmer Bill Zeller (2011)

#7

Post by tinokid » Thu, Nov 23, 2017, 6:09 AM UTC

I likewise knew Bill. I met his parents once too, and saw his kindness and good nature reflected in them as well. This is a tragedy no one should have to bear. We miss him.

Re: Last Words of Programmer Bill Zeller (2011)

#8

Post by Red_Tarsius » Thu, Nov 23, 2017, 6:21 AM UTC

> It took me a while to realize that no matter how close you are to someone or how much they claim to love you, people simply cannot keep secrets. I learned this a few years ago when I thought I was gay and told people. The more harmful the secret, the juicier the gossip and the more likely you are to be betrayed. People don't care about their word or what they've promised, they just do whatever the fuck they want and justify it later. It feels incredibly lonely to realize you can never share something with someone and have it be between just the two of you.

This passage was very resonating. I guess part of adulthood is to adjust your expectations of other people, that is, no expectations at all. If you hold your closest mates to any standard of decency, you're bound to be disappointed.

Re: Last Words of Programmer Bill Zeller (2011)

#9

Post by cgmg » Thu, Nov 23, 2017, 6:26 AM UTC

tinokid wrote: post #7

I likewise knew Bill. I met his parents once too, and saw his kindness and good nature reflected in them as well. This is a tragedy no one should have to bear. We miss him.

Umm... did you read Bill's letter in its entirety?

> I'd also like to address my family, if you can call them that. I despise everything they stand for and I truly hate them, in a non-emotional, dispassionate and what I believe is a healthy way. The world will be a better place when they're dead—one with less hatred and intolerance.

Re: Last Words of Programmer Bill Zeller (2011)

#10

Post by peterburkimsher » Thu, Nov 23, 2017, 6:29 AM UTC

If you're thinking, "I wish there's something I could have said", don't say "What happened?" That focuses on the problem. Maybe they don't want to talk about it.

Ask "Are you OK?"

You can always say this even if there's nothing wrong. If they say "Yes, why?", they're your friend. If they say "Fine." then they don't trust you. If they tell you "No, ..." they think you're a close friend.

Then ask "What can I do to help you? You're not alone." Focus on the solution.

If you want to know if someone trusts you, just ask "Are you OK?" and they will tell you.

In my situation, I found out that while suicide would have been a "shut down", moving to another country was a "reboot".

I no longer have anywhere to call "home", but it's better than being stuck in that miserable place.