Ask HN: Any advice for a programmer who has hit rock bottom?

#1

Post by desp_programmer » Fri, Oct 16, 2015, 12:52 PM UTC

Throw away because my other account is quite active on here. I was diagnosed with depression a few years ago and since then have made peace with it. I am under medication, but it's barely helping. Recently I switched job to a very good tech company with good quality work and pay. The plan was to join a startup in a year or two and see where it takes me.

However, things have been going downhill. I have 10 years of programming experience and I would say I am above average at it. Since the past few weeks, I have grown anxious and fearful of anything that's remotely challenging. So much so that I have started lying to take leave from work. I like my work but cannot muster the courage to do it. I fear letting my team down. I am always afraid and anxious. It's horrible living in fear. Guilt has become a normal feeling. I cannot bear lying to my awesome colleagues. I cannot decide what to study. My programming confidence is taking a hit. Everything looks bleak. I have even thought of giving up and taking a job where I don't have to think much, like an assistant or librarian or low level management associate. It's like I am just waiting to die...

Any advice will help. Thanks HN.

Re: Ask HN: Any advice for a programmer who has hit rock bottom?

#2

Post by sidcool » Fri, Oct 16, 2015, 1:58 PM UTC

All I can say is that it gets better, involves a combination of fighting back and staying put to weather the storm. I don't have a sure shot advice for you. Good luck.

Re: Ask HN: Any advice for a programmer who has hit rock bottom?

#3

Post by kasey_junk » Fri, Oct 16, 2015, 2:02 PM UTC

This sounds like a medical issue not a career one. I would focus on finding medical help from a competent professional.

Re: Ask HN: Any advice for a programmer who has hit rock bottom?

#4

Post by partisan » Fri, Oct 16, 2015, 2:08 PM UTC

Do you have a therapist or someone to talk to who will give you the ability to just voice your thoughts without judgement? If not, I highly recommend that you seek one out. If you have one and are unsatisfied, you should find a new one.

In the meantime, I am not sure you have hit rock bottom. Rock bottom is where you realize that there is a way up from here. You are still looking down into an abyss. Still, this might be the point at which you change your life. Start by changing your perspective. Every day, you have taken a step towards where you are now. Were all of those steps fumbles or mistakes or failures? You wouldn't be where you are if that is the case. There is evidence of success. What are those successes? How did you deal with adversity to claim those successes? There is evidence that you have overcome challenges.

From another angle: right now you have a good job and a career and you are depressed. If you take a menial job, you will probably be unsatisfied, broke, and depressed. If there is anything I've learned in this life: No matter where you go, there _you_ are. Still you.

Lastly, start building upon and celebrating little successes starting today. Any little thing will suffice. Every little thing. Do the same tomorrow. Make your way up the chain until you are celebrating success at the scale you want.

Hang in there. You are not alone.

Re: Ask HN: Any advice for a programmer who has hit rock bottom?

#5

Post by nikolasavic » Fri, Oct 16, 2015, 2:27 PM UTC

Things WILL get better.

It takes time to find the right medication, but if you don't feel better within 2 weeks tell your doctor and they'll give your something. I've had people close to me go through the same thing and it took a while to finally hone in on something that works. I know it must feel like the most hopeless and frustrating situation, but hang in there. Something out there will work, you just need patience.

Just remember that it's not your fault. Good luck.

Re: Ask HN: Any advice for a programmer who has hit rock bottom?

#6

Post by mrits » Fri, Oct 16, 2015, 4:28 PM UTC

Wake up very early, don't take naps, start exercising. This works for me but I'm certainly not trained to give medical advice.

Re: Ask HN: Any advice for a programmer who has hit rock bottom?

#7

Post by kaonashi » Fri, Oct 16, 2015, 5:24 PM UTC

Sounds like you're burnt out and need to develop other interests besides programming.

Re: Ask HN: Any advice for a programmer who has hit rock bottom?

#8

Post by TerryADavis » Fri, Oct 16, 2015, 5:24 PM UTC

God wrote TempleOS. It is a sure thing.

the alternative is sucking dick and getting butt fucked making license plates for the CIA .

Re: Ask HN: Any advice for a programmer who has hit rock bottom?

#9

Post by helpingout » Fri, Oct 16, 2015, 5:31 PM UTC

These are classic symptoms of clinical / major depression. You have not found the right medications that help you yet. Keep seeing a psychiatrist who can help you find the right medication. Each time you switch it can take 10-12 weeks to know if that medication works for you. Please don't give up on the search for medication with a psychiatrist you trust.

If you find your cognitive abilities are lower than they used to be, don't worry. Those will come back too; but are the last thing to return after getting better.

Re: Ask HN: Any advice for a programmer who has hit rock bottom?

#10

Post by neurohax » Fri, Oct 16, 2015, 5:32 PM UTC

I suggest that you take a different approach to dealing with your depression and anxiety, brain biochemistry is only a link in a huge cause-effect chain. If you win the lottery you may experience a big dopamine high, but a dopamine high won't make you win the lottery.

View your brain as a super computer (which certainly is) and your personality as an operating system which you must hack to get rid of bugs and malwares. You must crack those thought patterns that make you feel miserable and recover the full control of your system, you couldn't even get up on your feet if you had lost all of your willpower.

(I am not saying that you drop medication, just that don't rely on it as the only form of healing).

To feel Ok about programming again, try to have small personal projects which are easy to complete. Find new ways to deal with boring, monotonous and complex tasks at work. Rescue an old hobbie like playing guitar or find a new one.

EDIT:

I see these small buddhist koans as very insightful from a psychological - rather than religious - point of view. Basically mind suffering can only exist if there is an ego to experience it, and if you find that this ego is just a stream of recurrent thought patterns, you realize the absurd of fear and anxiety.

Huike said to Bodhidharma, “My mind is anxious. Please pacify it.” Bodhidharma replied, “Bring me your mind, and I will pacify it.” Huike said, “Although I’ve sought it, I cannot find it.” “There,” Bodhidharma replied, “I have pacified your mind.”

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A Zen student came to Bankei and said: "Master, I have an ungovernable temper -- how can I cure it?" "Show me this temper," said Bankei, "it sounds fascinating." "I haven't got it right now," said the student, "so I can't show it to you." "Well then" said Bankei, "bring it to me when you have it." "But I can't bring it just when I happen to have it," protested the student. "It arises unexpectedly, and I would surely lose it before I got it to you." "In that case," said Bankei, "it cannot be part of your true nature. If it were, you could show it to me at any time. When you were born you did not have it, and your parents did not give it to you -- so it must come into you from the outside.(...)"