Ask HN: Work/life balance – Significant other complains you work too much?

I got a lot of complains from my gf about me working too much and not having enough time with her. This leads to a common work/life balance question for all the people who want to be success.

So how do you handle this balance? and what would you do when your gf/bf/wife/husband complains about it?

Some ideas: * Listen to them, have a conversation about optimal work life balance. * Think about your habits, ask if you're working too much, too little, or just the right amount. * Ask yourself every hour that you work if you think that hour had been productive, or if you have been unproductively "working" due to exhaustion. * Consider having all of these conversations after a vacation or some other form of time off, because it's easy to be myopic when you're in the middle of working.

Look at your priorities. What level of work makes you happy. What level makes them happy. Which is more important - your success, or your relationship.

Work out what the effects of your choices will be, and then consciously make a decision that will work best for you in the long run.

I went from academia to a startup after being married. My wife was worried this would mean I work way too much. We came up with a specific plan. Three days a week I would be home at no later than 6. I could go in as early as I wanted. The other days I could stay as late as I wanted. Weekends were for us to spend time together. If there was a one off or some important thing, she wasn't worried since we had a clear agreement in place. Later the three days a week was made two days and this was also Ok.

Separately, just listen. If your SO wants to spend more time, make time. If you can't or won't then ask what is important to you and make a decision.

Another thing that helps is to plan specific things to do. Go on a hike, go to the beach, these kinds of memorable moments are more significant than going to a restaurant or hanging out on the couch.

This may not apply if you are in a relationship with dependency or trust issues. If you are go see a counselor and work that out first.

> what would you do when your gf/bf/wife/husband complains about it?

When my wife complains about it, I just listen. She's also a working professional who works a ton more than I do so it's usually a red flag if she brings it up. A lot of times it's not about coming up with a resolution but just trying to understand what she is frustrated with.

> So how do you handle this balance?

When I first started working remote about 10 years ago I didn't think it was an issue. It was supposed to be the dream setup.

But then I eventually had kids and started my own company and saw the lines between work/life blur. At first I told myself this was natural since it was one of the side affects of being remote but I quickly became dissatisfied with that answer. This was especially the case when I felt like I had to start choosing between time with my family and time for work.

I eventually came to realize that life stuff (i.e. family, relationships, etc.) aren't a time suck from work but a healthy constraint.

For me, success does not come from pouring every ounce of energy I have into work but from embracing the constraints of my life. I use these constraints to focus on the most important things I have to do for work so that I can get back to my family as soon as possible.

For more of a practical standpoint the following are the things I do to manage the balance (especially since my home is where I work).

- Have doors on the office.

- Family time, is strictly family time. No emails on the phone, github issues, harvest invoice, etc. I'm not perfect at this but I try to go with the distraction free iPhone methodology [https://medium.com/life-hacks/my-year-with-a-distraction-fre...]

- Have strict business hours.

- Don't blur the line between work and personal health. Which means eating appropriately and getting the appropriate amount of sleep.