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Ask HN: Marriage

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Ask HN: Marriage

#1

Post by buggy_code »

From reading the biographies of famous entrepreneurs (Gates, Ellison, Jobs, Woz, Clark) it seems like:

() those who marry in young 20s end up with divorce () the successful marriage ends up one in the late 30s or early 40s

Can HN shed light on this? Do most entrepreneurs end up with this problem, or are these just especially high profile founders, and as a result, they needed balls of steel to bring the revolutions they did (thus probably resulting in slightly intolerable personalties).

Thanks!

[Curious about this myself via the whole: marriage or startup first question; marriage first results in the question of -- crap, I have responsibilities; startup first results in the issue of -- crap, gold diggers]

Re: Ask HN: Marriage

#2

Post by vaksel »

I think it has to do with the work load. When you are young, you pretty much focus 100% on your business and neglect your relationships...so you work 60-80 hours a week trying to get it off the ground and make something of yourself.

In your 30s/40s, you are already more or less successful and can have a lot more free time, so you can switch to the basic 9 to 5. And have time for family and kids.

As far as gold diggers etc, just stop showing off your wealth and you'll be fine. Even if you saw Steve Jobs or Bill Gates on the street, chances are you'd never think it was them. But put them in a Ferrari and you'll probably connect the dots. Worst case scenario, you can go James Bond on this issue. Have your mansion and the Ferrari in one town. And a rented apartment and a Honda in the next one.

Re: Ask HN: Marriage

#3

Post by brk »

startup first results in the issue of -- crap, gold diggers

This statement is funny. You seem to think you will make money of your first startup :)

For most people entering the startup world today... find a girl with a comfy couch that you can sleep on when you're broke.

In all seriousness, you need to assess where you really think you want to end up.

I got married fairly young. Started a couple of companies and have participated in many more. My wife is (mostly) understanding, and more importantly intelligent and a good reality check for most of my schemes and ideas. I couldn't imaging getting through some of the situations I've been in without having someone who is knowledgeable and unbiased to discuss these things with.

Figure out what you want to be when you grow up, and screen for a person who fits those criteria.

Re: Ask HN: Marriage

#4

Post by grandalf »

If you think of marriage as duty, responsibility, time commitment and compromise then it probably isn't compatible with doing a startup.

But if you and your spouse love each other for being motivated, self-actualized, driven, and passionate, then a startup and marriage can be wonderfully complimentary.

I actually really liked the movie Revolutionary Road for this reason -- it showed what happens when a guy who should be doing a startup ends up taking a safe job because he thinks it's what his marriage demands of him. In reality his wife was attracted to him because of his passion and his vision and she only came to loathe the soft, mushy, 9 to 5er that he became. Not a perfect parallel with the startup world but a great exploration of what it means to be "a man" outside of the narrow confines of man as simple uninspired breadwinner or corporate yes-man.

Bottom line: If your relationship thrives on the creative life-energy of passion, work and drive, then go for it. If not, why would you want to marry such a person?

Re: Ask HN: Marriage

#5

Post by btwelch »

Attracting gold diggers is a problem of success.

More likely, you should be more concerned that doing your startup first and neglecting relationships means you will burn through your younger years (and younger looks) and won't be able to leverage them when it comes to finding a mate. Then, if your startup fails... oops, no leverage at all.

Re: Ask HN: Marriage

#6

Post by teej »

vaksel wrote: post #2

I think it has to do with the work load. When you are young, you pretty much focus 100% on your business and neglect your relationships...so you work 60-80 hours a week trying to get it off the ground and make something of yourself. In your 30s/40s, you are already more or less successful and can have a lot more free time, so you can switch to the basic 9 to 5. And have time for family and kids. As far as gold digger…

> Even if you saw Steve Jobs or Bill Gates on the street, chances are you'd never think it was them.

I saw Eric Schmidt on University Ave in Palo Alto last year, and I didn't need a Ferrari to believe it. He was actually driving a Prius.

Re: Ask HN: Marriage

#7

Post by vaksel »

teej wrote: post #6
vaksel wrote: post #2

I think it has to do with the work load. When you are young, you pretty much focus 100% on your business and neglect your relationships...so you work 60-80 hours a week trying to get it off the ground and make something of yourself. In your 30s/40s, you are already more or less successful and can have a lot more free time, so you can switch to the basic 9 to 5. And have time for family and kids. As far as gold digger…

> Even if you saw Steve Jobs or Bill Gates on the street, chances are you'd never think it was them. I saw Eric Schmidt on University Ave in Palo Alto last year, and I didn't need a Ferrari to believe it. He was actually driving a Prius.

How do you know it was him and not just someone who looked like him? Thats what I mean, if you more or less appear average, most people won't link you to the "celebrity".

Re: Ask HN: Marriage

#8

Post by TriinT »

vaksel wrote: post #2

I think it has to do with the work load. When you are young, you pretty much focus 100% on your business and neglect your relationships...so you work 60-80 hours a week trying to get it off the ground and make something of yourself. In your 30s/40s, you are already more or less successful and can have a lot more free time, so you can switch to the basic 9 to 5. And have time for family and kids. As far as gold digger…

Ferraris? Mansions? James Bond? Gold-diggers? Is this HN?!?

Re: Ask HN: Marriage

#10

Post by russell »

50% of all US marriages end in divorce. I would say it's partly the poor judgment of youth; mine wasn't so good. Maybe it has always been true, but now it is easier to get out. Romance is a pretty poor basis for a marriage. With mutual respect comes love and a more lasting relationship. Consider all the other qualities needed for success.

Starting companies is a huge commitment and raising children is an unbelievable stress load. The combination is a marriage killer.

With all that said, a good mate is a good thing to have.

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