I feel like I’m very self aware, both internally and externally. I know that what I will say (because of the way I will say it) will be delivered badly and probably make the person sad/angry, but I cannot find a way of fixing the words I use! I feel like I have a big problem with my emotional intelligence.
To fix this, I am looking for a book that is what “The mom test” is to customer discovery, but to Emotional Intelligence. What I mean by this is a book that actually contains suggestions of what to say, word by word, and how to be able to think and articulate what the other person might come to think. Any suggestions?
Ask HN: How do I improve my emotional intelligence?
1–10 of 71 posts
Re: Ask HN: How do I improve my emotional intelligence?
#2There's a lot of good input, but equally or more bad input, on this subject.
I think Jeb Blount's book is one of the good ones: https://jebblount.com/product/sales-eq/
It's definitely coming from a sales perspective, but that shouldn't hurt.
Re: Ask HN: How do I improve my emotional intelligence?
#3Look up "Peterson emotional intelligence" on YouTube to explore a slightly different take on emotional intelligence.
Jordan Peterson argues that EQ doesn't exist, and you can explore your personality with the Big 5 (mostly agreeableness).
I suggest also looking into "Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg" as it closely matches the issue you described.
Re: Ask HN: How do I improve my emotional intelligence?
#4Naturally I have a very good sense of people (like mirror neurons stuff). At the same time half the time i feel myself very awkward in communication, half the time - extremely well.
From that and some other observations during life I conclude that "emotional intelligence" is one of those journalist pseudo-science memes (like "10k hours of work" idea et.) made up to make some extra money.
On practical side - unless it is a serious issue causing extreme problems (like mental disorder) - you shouldn't bother about it.
There will always be some who don't like, misunderstand, don't appreciate what and how you say. And there will always be the opposite, and everyone in between. Regardless of the amount of books you read.
Re: Ask HN: How do I improve my emotional intelligence?
#5I would say you’ve taken the first step :)
Re: Ask HN: How do I improve my emotional intelligence?
#6[deleted]
Re: Ask HN: How do I improve my emotional intelligence?
#7Look up "Peterson emotional intelligence" on YouTube to explore a slightly different take on emotional intelligence. Jordan Peterson argues that EQ doesn't exist, and you can explore your personality with the Big 5 (mostly agreeableness). I suggest also looking into "Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg" as it closely matches the issue you described.
I watched his video and personally feel emotional intelligence is often used as a proxy of communication skills in general with agreeable motifs when needed
I feel there’s a strong skill aspect to it as the very emotionally intelligent people I came across had a lot of communication experience
Re: Ask HN: How do I improve my emotional intelligence?
#8Look up "Peterson emotional intelligence" on YouTube to explore a slightly different take on emotional intelligence. Jordan Peterson argues that EQ doesn't exist, and you can explore your personality with the Big 5 (mostly agreeableness). I suggest also looking into "Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg" as it closely matches the issue you described.
EQ isn't rigidly defined, Peterson has been right on that metric, but I think to say it doesn't exist (or to equate it agreeableness) isn't right either. IMO, someone with poor EQ probably also demonstrates poor theory of mind (and I personally put Peterson in this camp).
High EQ, as a skill, is mostly charisma, and can be learned. Dale Carnegie is a good first step, but it also has to be practiced with other people (which is also why I find it hard to develop - you can practice math equations in solitude, but you it's very hard to practice charisma).
Re: Ask HN: How do I improve my emotional intelligence?
#9It's difficult to see what you actually want.
If your looking to understand people better, their aspirations, desires, reasons, I would recommend reading fiction, complex or realist/naturalist fiction in particular.
Otherwise, you might look at conflict resolution books which often have step-by-step examples and suggestions.
Also I would not be super hard on yourself. A lot of this simply comes from practice and trial and error of actually interacting with people. You can read all you want, but putting it into practice is different.
Re: Ask HN: How do I improve my emotional intelligence?
#10I wouldn't recommend reading more books, psychology, theories or how to step guides. I've been in your shoes, good awareness but still offending or rubbing people the wrong way despite genuinely not intending to. I recommend a more experiential approach, which would obviously make more sense for something like our emotions. To be mentally capable one has to think more, to be emotionally capable one has to feel more. Therefore, I recommend meditation that is focused more on introspection, self-realisation. These processes will help you empathize more deeply with yourself, understand yourself deeply (much more deeply than merely in an intellectual manner) and then apply that to others. This way the dynamics between yourself and yourself, yourself and family, and finally yourself and others in the wider community will be clearer. The dynamics will then naturally resolve themselves over time. Good luck :)