Ask HN: Advice for a new father?

I've long turned to HN for career and technological advice - but now I face a different hurdle.

I'm a young father - my first. Is there anything the fathers of HN would tell a new father (or parent)?

Enjoy it!

Read "Father forgets" by W. Livingston Larned.

If it's a girl, read Strong Fathers - Strong Daughters. If it's a boy, read Strong Mothers - Strong Sons. (even if you aren't the mother, it's a useful book).

Sleep when the baby sleeps. Eat when the baby eats. Do the dishes when the baby does dishes.

More realistically:

1. If you're raising the baby with a spouse, communication is going to be wildly important. Be more explicit than you think you need to be about things - you're both going to be tired, and it's all too easy to make an uncharitable assumption.

2. One thing that worked for us, re: night-time, was shifts. My wife was responsible for the baby waking up until ~4am, and then I was responsible for her waking up after that - meaning, whoever's shift it was, was responsible for getting up, feeding the baby if she needed to be fed, and getting her soothed back to sleep. It ensured that while we didn't actually get eight straight hours, there was a solid six-ish hour period during which one of us at least didn't have to get out of bed.

Your mileage may vary on that; if y'all are bottle-feeding, then it'll be much easier. If not, then your spouse is probably not going to get as much of a break.

3. Lean hard on any family members or friends who are willing to help, but make sure you tell them what you need. If what you need is prepared meals dropped off, and then for them to fuck off and leave the three of you alone, tell them that. If you need them to watch the baby for two hours in the afternoon while you nap (or read, or just go for a walk to be alone), make sure they know that's what you need.

4. I got a baby bjorn and loved it; wearing a baby means she's comfortable, and you're comfortable, and your hands are free. My wife preferred a different style, though.

5. This is one of the top five most difficult things your spouse and you will go through. Seriously, accept that and understand that you will get mad at your spouse, your spouse will get mad at you, you'll both get mad at the baby, your baby will be mad at you. It's going to be wildly stressful. You'll make it through it, though - as long as you remember point 1, communicate, and understand that it gets better, easier, and more fun.

edit: I'm also in a Slack for dads, most of whom are also in tech - let me know if you'd like an invite.

A lot of what makes a kid turn into a "good" adult are well outside of your control. The best advice is about how to make parenting easier and more enjoyable for you in the long run. The more fun you have parenting, the more parenting you will end up doing.

Any good habit you start early will pay off dividends later. Anything you let slide will agonize you for years and years.

Most advice you find online is useless. "Mommy-bloggers" have SEO spammed the internet with waste. It's either some form of extreme child micromanagement, or rituals designed for people with saint-like patience or time on their hands. Get your advice from real people - pediatricians, parents, friends, etc.